Dear Bank of America:

Stop sending my bills in Spanish. I never asked you to switch me from English to Spanish billing. Just because I have a Spanish last name does not mean I prefer my bills in Spanish. Do you also send people with German last names bills in German and people with Greek last names bills in Greek? I doubt it. Please stop jumping to conclusions. Send my bills in English until otherwise directed. Thank you.

Exposé Radio

Remember before, how I told you about Pandora, the online radio site that creates a radio station based on the type of music that you like? Well, a few days ago I thought it might be fun to make an "Exposé" radio station. You know, the group behind such 80s dance hits as:

Come Go with Me
Point of No Return
Let Me Be the One
Seasons Change, and
I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me

Well, let me tell you, Exposé Radio is THE BEST STATION EVER!! I've been having an 80s latin-flavored dance party in my office every day for the last three days. Some of the featured songs have included:

When I Hear Music by Debbie Deb
Let the Music Play by Shannen
Fascinated by Company B (the one that goes "I'm fascinated by your love toy")
In a Dream by Rockell
I'll Be All You Ever Need by Trinere
Some Kind of Lover by Jody Whatley
Lost in Emotion by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
Head to Toe by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam
In My House by the Mary Jane Girls
Straight Up by Paula Abdul
Every Little Step by Bobby Brown and
If It Isn't Love by New Edition

OMG, those are all my favorite roller rink jams!!!!

We are such her bitchez

Ok, so all the "no-kill" shelters in town are full, and we read a bunch of stuff online about how cat predators answer "free to good home" ads on Craig's List and then torture the kitties, and Enid absolutely loathes the backyard (she howls all night and stares at us lovingly through the sliding glass door), so... she's living in the garage now.

:-|

Oh, Enid.

Our cat Enid has not taken well to the new house. She doesn't like the new Cat Genie, so she's been peeing all over her cat area and pooping on the rug directly in front of the catbox. In addition, she's figured out how to get out of her cat corral, so she's started peeing in our living areas too. She also stays up all night howling and yelping. She's obviously not happy.

Rather than spend more money and energy trying to accommodate her further, we've decided to get rid of her. One lady who loves special needs cats expressed interest, but backed out later. We called all of the no-kill shelters in town, but they were all full.

Then yesterday morning, Brian came up and said, "Enid is officially an outside kitty." She had once again escaped from her cat corral and peed all over the house: under the couch, under the table, all over the kitchen. It was a pee-bath. So he put her outside. It broke our hearts, but it's what had to be done. We were all miserable with her in the house.

So far, she doesn't like being an outside cat. She sits outside the sliding glass doors and stares at us. Sometimes she yelps and cries. When she's not staring us down, she's hiding behind a bush. The good news, I suppose, is that she hasn't run away.

So yeah. If you want a fat, crazy, smelly cat that poops and pees in inappropriate places, let us know.

That's it. I'm buying a handgun.

The people we bought the house from had a garden gnome in the front yard. We were hoping they'd leave it when they moved, but, alas, they took it with them. My good friend Vanessa was very thoughtful and got me one as a housewarming present. I was so excited to put it outside. It was the perfect accessory for my lovely front yard. Every time I came home to the gnome, it made me smile.

Well, then some little fuc$er stole it. I see now why homeowners hate kids. I agree with the mayor that vandals should have their thumbs chopped off. Bastards.

Anyway... my birthday is in about a month, and I will gladly accept happy garden gnomes for my padlocked back yard.

The most horrifying PSA ever made

O. M. G.

Loves me some Gina Gershon

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

Fight the Power

I love it when people tell me what the law is. The other day, this idiot working at Dillard's told me I couldn't take more than 4 items into the dressing room at once. She said it was against the law to do so. I asked her, "What law?" She couldn't answer. I asked her, "What chapter of the NRS pertains to fitting rooms?" She couldn't answer. I asked her if she meant to say it violated "Dillard's law." She said yes. I then explained to her the difference between state law and store policy. And I took 8 items into the dressing room. Oh, and I didn't get arrested.

Brace-face

I didn't wear my top retainer in high school, so my teeth are crooked now. (The discoloration on my front tooth is a result of my brother throwing a rock at me as a kid.) If I want straight teeth again, I have to get braces for a year. The cost is $3,000. I'm 30-years-old. Would you do it if you were me?

Congratulations Yasmien & Chris!!!

Greetings from Chicago!