I know...

I know you're all super-excited that Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model starts tonight. It's okay. Your secret is safe with me. I like this chick Natasha's head shot the best, so she's my early early pick to win.

I could not be cool, even if my life depended on it

First, the backstory:

About 9.5 years ago, I dated this guy, "Bad Jason." It was one of the most overwhelming crushes I ever had. The kind that made me daydream so hard, I'd run stop signs without even realizing it. I was totally gaga. It didn't help that he made out with me repeatedly, even though he wasn't really all that into me. He was very hot and cold -- mean to me sometimes, and absolutely flattering at others. Precisely the right formula for keeping me obsessed.

Things didn't really end in a definitive way with us. I went back to college and we lost touch. It took me several years to get closure on the situation. To finally realize that it wasn't at all the intensity of his feelings that was scaring him away. He was simply a typical 20-year-old male. Too cowardly to be direct, and too selfish to give up the action. When he was older, he told me these things, and I respected him for it. And I finally got my closure.

Fast forward to last Friday night:

I'm having Boba Tea in China Town with my husband, nephew and a friend, when, all of a sudden, Bad Jason comes over and says hello. Ho-ly crap.

I thought I did a pretty good job of playing it cool, actually. We chatted. We joked. We met each other's dates/husbands. We even gave them our table, since we were just about ready to leave anyway.

As I'm driving home, I'm really impressed with myself. I even made it almost all the way home without violating any traffic laws. But then, a horrifying realization: I forgot to pay the $45 tab back at the tea shop. Ho-ly crap.

I called the shop and begged them to let me pay over the phone with a credit card. They refused. We had to go back. The whole drive back, I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation without letting on to Bad Jason and his crew. My entire goal here was to show how gaga I'm NOT anymore.

I walked in and it was immediately clear that they knew. Of course they knew. We chatted them up before giving them our table, you think the people that work there aren't going to hold them responsible for our tab? I was so embarassed. I pretty much paid the tab and ran away. SO not smooth.

Oscar Smackdown, The Results Show

C'mon, Helen Mirren wasn't THAT good. And Happy Feet? Over Cars??? Donovan would go ape-sh*t if he found out. At least they got the awards for Best Picture and Best Director right. I still think No Time for Nuts was robbed. Anyway, here are the winners of my Oscar challenge:

1st Place: Cladeedah +12
2nd Place: My Nephew +10 (Takes after his auntie)
3rd Place: Nick, Cherie, and Sugafree tied at +8 (Wow guys, how does it feel to lose to a 12-year-old?)
4th Place: Housekeeper +7 (And to think, this whole thing was your idea.)
5th Place: Brian +0 (But he gets an honorable mention for being the cutest, funniest, and the most clever.)

Looks like I get to keep the special, amazing, dazzling prize for myself this year. Which is probably a good thing, since I hadn't quite yet decided what it was going to be. Probably my duplicate copy of Stuff on My Cat that I got for Christmas. Oh well, better luck next year suckas!!!!

UH-OH UH-OH Here Comes the Oscar

I'm filling out my balllot now. I'll post it in a little bit as a comment. POST YOUR BALLOT PICKS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION NOW SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW MUCH BETTER THAN YOU I AM AT PICKING GOOD MOVIES!!!!!

Here's the printable ballot.

I love love love Sarah Silverman

The Sarah Silverman Program is my new favorite TV show. You should all watch it. Here's a sample:

This is what you get when you mess with Moka

Moka was flipping out this morning because the evil outside-kitty that looks just like him was on our balcony scratching on our sliding glass window. (This is the same little pooper that pissed on Brian's tire the other day.) Moka REALLY wanted to kill him, but couldn't get past the sliding glass door.

So I noticed Moka was upset, so I go outside to shoo this other cat away, and the cocky little shit just sits there and looks back at me, like, "Yeah? So? What do you think you're gonna do lady?" Then he turns back and growls and hisses at Moka.

So I went back into the house and filled up a tall glass with cold water. I must've given that cat a good 4 chances to run away, but the stubborn little turd just sat there, challenging me and Moka.

So I dumped the whole glass of water right on top of him. He looked stunned for a second, then ran off. That'll learn him to mess with my baby again. Nobody puts Moka in the corner.

Fat-Ass Tuesday

Lent starts tomorrow. Brian is giving up action figures. I'm giving up staying up past 10pm and eating fried foods. I had Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner as my last hoorah. Good-bye wild wings... french fries... cheetos... Sabritones and fried zucchinis. You'll all be sorely missed.

Lesson #633: Don't ever get a dental implant with only a local anaesthetic

GOOD GOD. Yesterday, I had the worst dental experience of my life. One and a half hours of drilling into jawbone, jamming metal sockets in there and then LITERALLY jamming in screws with a socket wrench. There was a lot of unexpected water being splashed around and some tinkering with a chisel as well. Oh, and I got lucky and got the dingbat dental assistant on her first oral surgery. Bitch kept throwing heavy-ass tools down on my chest. The doctor had to remind her that she was dealing with a live person.

Today, my doctor called to see how I was doing. I told him the truth: "I'm in pain and I look like a monster, how do you think I feel?" I then chastised him for failing to give me valium before the procedure and told him it was the worst dental experience of my life. That's when he mentioned that they were going to start using an IV drip to administer some kind of sedative during the procedure from now on. Wow, that makes me feel a whole lot less traumatized. Fucker.

Cursed Dentistry

Anyone who has known me a while knows I have horrible luck with dentists. I go all the time and I still have problems. Nothing seems to ever get done right. I'm extra nervous today because I'm going to get a dental implant drilled into my jaw bone. With just local anaesthesia. Can't wait.

Borat Osama in '08

We went to see Barack Obama speak on Sunday. He was a'ight. Pretty smooth talker, but I wouldn't say he made any controversial points. Here's what I got out of it:

Slavery is wrong. Women's suffrage is good. Bush is bad. The war is bad. Our healthcare system is bad. And he's too young to have been corrupted by the political system. That's about it.

Probably the thing that impressed me most was the diversity in the crowd. I love it when different races stand together behind a unified cause. Maybe that's as good a reason as any to vote for him. I'm still keeping an open mind about Hilary though. It seems as though she's had the healthcare reform idea a lot longer than Obama.

NBA All-Star Suckfest

The NBA All-Star game was in town this weekend. I got free tickets to go to one of the "Jam sessions" on Thursday. It was lame. In fact, there's a picture of my nephew not having a good time at all.

They advertised it as being an opportunity to meet, mingle, and play games with your favorite NBA players. Well, that was false advertising as far as we're concerned. The only people we saw were like 5 players from the 70's. And the entertainment they provided was, like, a game of horse. The rest of the thing was lame basketball-themed carnival-style booths run by the sponsors. Laaame. Anyway, at least I got this cute picture of my nephew pretending to be a WNBA player. A Sacramento Monarch too! Woo hoo!

Wow. That's not how we did shows at my high school.

Last night we went to see Miss Saigon at the local performing arts high school. It was fuc*ing amazing.

Highlights included a full-pit orchestra, a sixteen-foot Ho Chi Minh statue, a pink '56 Cadillac driven onstage for a musical number and actors hanging out of a life-size military helicopter. There were over 60 cast members and even more crew, and tons of costume and scene changes. Yeah, it was crazy-amazing. I can't believe it was a high school production.

Check out a video of the helicopter scene by clicking on the video link embedded in this story.

Apparently, the producer of the original broadway show helped the students out, as this was the national premiere of the student edition. And rumor is that local techs helped the kids out with a lot of the special effects. Some guy who starred in the Broadway version of Rent was even there in the audience last night.

Anyway, it was amazing. Too bad the last shows are TODAY at 2pm and 7pm. Last night was sold out, so if you read this in time and are interested, I would suggest immediately reserving tickets. I think we're going to get season passes for the school's shows next year.

V for Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day! It's a day late, but the sentiment is still there, right?

I had a great Valentine's Day. I spent the morning handing out valentines and candy to all the people at work. Then in the afternoon, I had a Domestic Violence trial that I won, so that was cool.

Then after work, Brian took me out for a surprise date. We went to Fusia at the Luxor, which was really good. Then we went over and saw Mamma Mia at the Mandalay Bay. It was super-awesome. I've been wanting to see that show for a long time, so I was really happy when I found out that was the surprise. You should all go see it. It's super-cute. After the show, we ajourned to our spa suite at the Luxor. Brian had decorated the room with heart-shaped balloons and tissue paper rose-petals. Awwwe... He also got me a cute mechanical giraffe that grows taller and taller as it sings "Your love is lifting me higher." Awwwe.... And the Post Secret book I've been wanting. Awwwee...

Unfortunately, he had to go to work this morning. He had told me before that we'd be out late, so I planned ahead and took today off. So now I get a full day to recover. Yay! But I have to spend it alone. Boo!

For my part, I got him this super awesome 30" Apple HD monitor for his computer. He really liked it, so I think I did good. Girls have it so easy.

And Boy Are My Arms Tired

This wiikend wii all got together at Brad's to play the Nintendo Wii until the wii hours of the night. Wii played for about eight hours straight. I am super-sore all over today, but especially in my right arm. I am such a wiik sister!

And it's..... dead.

Lesson #632: Low-rise jeans call for a good belt and a pair of low-rise thongs

Friday night we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant in Chinatown for dinner. This chick was sitting at the sushi bar directly across from me like this all night. We contemplated saying something to her, but then decided the best thing for everyone would be if we just made fun of her behind her back.

More Money Talk

Went back to the financial planners today. Topic of discussion was Variable Universal Life Insurance. Anyone know anything about it or have any personal experience?

Oscar Smackdown, Bitchez

Alright all you movie junkies out there, this one's for you. My friend Housekeeper has thrown down the gauntlet (as she does every year) and has challenged me to guess as many Oscar winners as possible. I now bring a similar challenge to you. Here's your notice. Go see the movies then print this ballot:

Official Oscar Ballot

Check off your picks and then post them as a comment to this blogpost no later than 10am PST, Februay 25th, 2007 (the day of the show). The winner will get a very secret, thrilling, and amazing reward!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

We've ALMOST come to an agreement about this year's vacation destination. It's either going to be this 18-day China Tour (Brian's preference) or this 15-day Bangkok, Singapore, Bali, Hong Kong Tour (my preference). Either way, China is where it's at baby!

No Es Bueno

We went to see our financial guys last Tuesday. They wasted two hours of our time trying to sell us insurance. I called them out on the kickbacks they would be getting out of the deal. For one plan, they got every penny of the first year's premiums (which totalled about a $1,000), plus a percentage of the premiums thereafter for the life of the plan. Oh, and they gave our phone numbers to insurance agents, who have been calling us at work all week without our permission.

This wasn't at all what we thought it was going to be. They had promised us a personalized review of our current plans and investments and custom-tailored advice to fit our needs. But last Tuesday's meeting showed they hadn't done a minute's worth of work on our case, and that they were just giving us the same schpiel (sp?) they give everyone else, and that they were in it to make themselves money, not us.

We have another appointment on Tuesday. We are giving them one more shot to get to the good stuff and impress us, but the reality is we'll probably be disappointed and end up firing them.