My friends are spazzes!

Holy crap, this video cracks me up. I can't stop laughing when I watch it! I love you guys!!!

Never Fear

I don't know if you noticed, but I was totally planning on abandoning my blog. Facebook, Twitter and Blip are so quick and convenient, I figured there was no longer a need to say anything in more than 140 characters. But Brad made a really good point today. Everything I put on Facebook or Twitter goes away. So there is a point to keeping a blog. It's a like a journal. So I'm not going to abandon the blog. I'm just going to treat it like a monthly newsletter. Like, here's the stuff we crossed off our "Things To Do Before We Die" list this month. So yeah. Good times still ahead. Stay tuned.

The Ballad of GI Joe

This song is out-of-control catchy. And the video is badass. Make sure to check out the credits.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

I'm Totally Going to Try This Look For Work Next Week

OK, that's just gross.

Here's a picture of Jeff Goldblum, 56, and his new girlfriend, 21-year-old Tania Raymonde, who plays Alex, Ben's adopted daughter on Lost. Gross.

On the way to Tillamook

Oregon Coast - Cannon Beach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPvfWGDZCGo

The Oregon coast

Brace-face

I got my braces last week. I got clear brackets instead of Invisalign because a couple docs told me I wasn't a good candidate for Invisalign. Here are the top brackets. They're putting the wire and bottom brackets in in two weeks.

While I was looking online for the phone number today, I found this raving review about my new orthodontist's office:

"CRACKHEADS - A DENTAL ASSISTANT DROPED A CRACK PIPE ON THE FLOOR DURING MY EXAMINATION... I THINK DRUG TESTING IS IN ORDER."

Awesome.

Wet Dreams Really Do Come True

What is my obsession with boys named Edward? First, I was "unconditionally and irrevocably in love" with Edward from Twilight. (No need to reiterate -- you guys know how bad it got.) And now, just when I think it's safe to think about guys named Edward, the lead singer of Live, Ed *EFFING* Kowalczyk, goes and flirts with me, lets me kiss him, AND PRACTICALLY ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM!!!!!!!

If I sound a little excited, it's because I am. I'm listening to Live as I type this. The guy I just kissed is singing to me. Crazy times. Anyway, onto the greatest love story ever told....

So I went to the Live concert tonight at the Palazzo pool. It was like 5 of my favorite things all at once -- my "Friday," my payday, booze, Las Vegas at night, and Live (the band!)!

Well, the show was fantabulous, as always. Love love love them. Here's me like 12 feet from Ed, who is pictured in various stages of undress (or Eddie, as his friends -- which would include me -- call him):



So after the concert, we headed over to the poolside club, and who do I run into but Brazilian Marcia from Rock of Love Bus & Charm School?! Here's her and me, BFFs FOREVER:


She was so, SO nice. And so much smaller and prettier in real life than she is on the show. She must've stopped drinking for good, because she looked really skinny. We chatted about the other girls on the show, about how she lives in Vegas now, where she works-- BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THE STORY...

THE POINT IS, a little while later, Ed came in.

A crowd gathered around him. A bunch of short bitchez went up and attacked him and, the entire time, he just kept looking over at me and smiling. I'm not kidding. I was standing in front of him, a bunch of skanks were fluttering about, and he just kept looking at me. It was like a dream.

So I just went on up, cast the other bitchez aside, and gave him a great big hug. As I did so, I told him: "I'm 6'5", to answer your question. I saw you staring at me just now wondering." He seemed flabbergasted... in a good way. He said he thought I was standing on something. (Yeah yeah, I get that shit all the time, anywayz...)... Then we took a quick pic -- here:

Right after we took this photo, he leaned over and said to me, "6'5' is wonderful."

((record scratch))

I was like, "I'M SORRY, WHAT????"

And so he repeated it: "All 6'5" of you is wonderful." Oh shit. Panty pudding. He was looking me up and down as he said it too. Oh shit.

So then I poured my heart out to him. I said, "You know, I used to always say that if I could just marry your voice, I would. Just your voice. If I married your voice, I would be one happy housewife." He smiled and said, "That's very poetic."

AND THEN HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR: "My voice is single." Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

And then I did what any classy, married lady would do in that situation. I giggled, pulled away, and said, "Anytime, anywhere."

OH SHIT.

Then my friend Alexis tapped me on the shoulder and asked to get a picture, so I asked him to take one with her. I took a way better picture of them than she took of us. Not that I'm bitter. (Ok, I am):


Anyway, then I felt bad for talking to him for like an hour while all the other skanks watched in jealousy, so I decided to let him go. But not before I hugged him again... and kissed him on the cheek.

Ho-ly crap. I just kissed my biggest rock star crush ever on the cheek. Life is amazing.

Happy Teabag Day! (yesterday)

This one is dedicated to my good friend Bethany...

I'm starting a book club!

I'm super excited! Reading Twilight has totally gotten me back into reading, so I've decided it'd be fun to start a book club. This way, I can read all kinds of grown-up books I might never have chosen for myself, I'll have motivation to stay on task, and I can discuss the books with some hot ass bitchez! Sounds like a win-win-win!

In case you want to follow along on your own, we're starting Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen now. This will be the book for May. We'll pick a new one around May 21st.

Anyway, I'm excited. Can't wait to see how it goes!

Funny As Fuc#

My friend Allison's friend Heather has this hilarious blog. I guess she likes to drink. That's a bit of an understatement. Anyway, she gave it up for two weeks while on the South Beach Diet and the blog chronicled those torturous two weeks. It's hysterical. And totally makes me want to start binge drinking. Anyway, start at day 1 and work your way up the days on the menu on the left hand side. Totally worth the time. Trust me.

Heather Gay's Two Weeks of Pain

Somebody Should Seriously Kick My Ass

So... this Twilight obsession of mine has gotten a little out of control. One of the reasons I've been far too busy to blog over the last month is because I've been reading and re-reading the Twilight series, watching the movie over and over, and chatting with my Twilight sisters about every detail of the books and movies. I've compiled a list documenting my downward spiral. It's called, "How I Knew My Twilight Obsession Was Out Of Control:"

1. When I stopped watching TV so that I could read the books.

2. When I began talking about my relationship with Edward in the first person. For example: "Oh my God, I can't believe Edward left me on the forest floor."

3. When I began calling Brian Edward against his will.

4. When I started wearing Twilight tshirts in public.

5. When I waited in line at Walmart for an hour for the DVD to come out at midnight.

6. When I started taking the DVD into work to watch it on my downtime.

7. When I didn't leave the house that one day because I had to watch all 3 discs of DVD extras.

8. When I began making plans to visit Forks, Washington this summer.

9. When I began looking into buying a silver Volvo like Edward's.

10. When I decided to drive to Tempe this weekend to see Stephenie Meyer speak.

11. When my husband asked if I could try and resist maxing out the credit cards when bidding in a silent auction for lunch with Stephenie Meyer. (If I do win, I plan to use my powers of persuasion to convince her to finish Midnight Sun!)

Yeah, it's a bad scene. The only way to stop is to not start at all.

I pity the fool

Sorry it's been so long, my sweets. Lots of activity lately. All stressful. I got some kind of weird phone threat about a week and a half ago. It was an older-sounding male. He called at 1:15 in the morning on my house phone. His message said, "If you're a police officer, somebody's coming to get your ass, bitch."

At first, I thought it was the wrong number, since I am neither a police officer nor a bitch. But then I realized it could be a confused drug dealer. You see, even though I'm on the civil side of things now at my job, I still do the drug money forfeiture cases for the police.

This is how is goes down... The SWAT team goes in, takes drug money, and the next thing the drug dealers know, I'm serving them with legal paperwork to keep their money. Paperwork with my name all over it. A quick little search on zabasearch.com, and voila, there's my old phone number and address. It's supposed to be unlisted now, but because it was formerly my phone number at a previous address, it still comes up when you search my name.

So long story even longer, we sent my nephew off to his mom's house for the weekend, stayed the night with friends the next 2 nights, and I filed a police report. I also mentioned it to the narcotics officers I do work for and to our SWAT officers. They were super pissed about it and decided to do their own investigations. No word yet on who it was, but if the number is traceable, I pity the fool is all I gotta say.

I also told my boss, who made some calls and had police driving by and flying by my house all weekend. The police helicopter came around for over a week. While that was really thoughtful and made me feel more secure, it got old after a week. I've only just stopped hearing non-stop helicopter sounds. I'm sure my neighbors were really excited about it too.

I haven't had any problems since the first call. No strange activity around my house and no more threats. But we did step up our security and I'm considering buying a shotgun. So that's good.

So cute

How cute is this leather Hello Kitty I got today? I love her
patent leather boots and mod dress. Adorable! Plus, she's black just
like my baby kitty!

What a Fu@%ing Loser

Sorry I'm such a bad blogger. I've been distracted with Facebook. It's just so quick, short and to the point. That and I'm totally engrossed reading Twilight. I'm all of a sudden all giddy and obsessed with Edward, the hot vampire boy in the book. It's getting a little out of control. I'm thinking about sneaking off by myself to the theater to see the movie. I don't think I could find anyone to go with. I just have to finish the book first. Should be done by this weekend.

Let's see, other stuff that's been going on... Brian was nice enough to get us a room and spa package for Valentine's Day, so we did that last weekend, which was nice. But I started getting sick on V-day, so that put a damper on things. The spa was nice though. We tried Sushisamba at the Pallazzo that night for dinner. It wasn't good though. :-(

The rest of the week I spent sick at home reading Twilight. Loser. Oh well. At least I'm not smoking crack. It could be much, much worse.

That's all for now.

There Goes the Neighborhood

I took both cats to the vet Friday. Enid is super heavy, so I had my hands full loading her into the car. I asked Jesse to bring the plastic jug with Moka's used insulin syringes in it so we could dispose of them as biohazard waste at the vet's office.

So we're on the way to the vet, and I don't see the jug anywhere in the car. I ask Jesse if he remembered to grab it and he swears he did. But it's clearly not in the car. So I figure he went in to get his iPod and forgot to grab it or something.

So we get home later, and the syringe jug is no where to be found. So it's not in the house, and not in the car.

Brian took a walk down the street and found out what had happened. Apparently Jesse had put it on top of the car and forgotten about it. Dozens of syringes were scattered all over our street. The jug was there too, but it was pretty much empty.

I just thought it was funny to imagine what our neighbors were thinking when they saw dozens of used syringes in the street.

Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards for Skanks?

In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

Best commercial ever

Woe is Me

This weekend has been rough for all of us. Baby Moka had a hypoglycemic episode Saturday morning. These are the symptoms of a hypoglycemic episode in order of ascending severity:

complete disinterest in food
restlessness
weakness, lethargy
head tilting
shivering
staggering, uncoordinated movements
problems with eyesight
disorientation (yowling, walking in circles, hiding, etc.)
convulsions or seizures
coma

He had all but the last two, plus he had vomiting and wheezing.

We took him to the vet, where he decided to start eating again, which got him sort of back to normal. Then we took him home and it all happened all over again. Except he didn't start eating this time, and the symptoms seemed much worse.

So then we took him to the emergency night vet. This time they said he was having a hyperglycemic episode. In addition, he now had an upper respiratory infection (that makes 3 infections in the last 5 weeks). They wanted $1,000 to watch him overnight. They couldn't do anything to fix him. They could just watch him and maybe stabilize him if it got too bad. I opted for the $250 option (hydration and an anti-vomiting drug) and took him home. This is no less than 10 vet visits in the last 5 weeks. I don't even want to add up the cost.

Anyway, this feline diabetes thing sucks balls. Moka has to suffer through infections and crazy terrible symptoms and there's nothing anyone can do about it. We are now syringe-feeding him, which is a horrible, traumatic exercise for all involved. My emotions are on a roller coaster, controlled by how good or bad he is doing from one minute to the next.

I would put him down, but for the fact that he's supposed to be able to live a normal life after this first terrible part is over, and it makes me feel selfish and weak want to give up on him. The only thing I can do is try to be patient, I guess. It's just really hard having to watch an animal suffer like this.

Called out

Dude. I totally got called out by a lady I work with for not wearing the necklace she got me as a Secret Santa present. She literally just walked into my office out of the blue and started sweating me about it. Here's how the conversation went:

Her: I just wanted you to know that the necklace I got you for Secret Santa wasn't cheap. I paid more than $10 for it. And it was on sale. I just wanted you to know.
Me: Oh, cool. Thanks, I really liked it.
Her: I just didn't want you to think it was cheap.
(awkward silence)
Me: Oh, okay. Thanks.
Her: I just saw it and really liked it.
Me: I like it too. I just only have one brown shirt that would go with it and it has short sleeves, so it's been too cold to wear it.
Her: You don't have to wear it. I just thought it was nice.
Me: I think it's nice too. I'll wear it. I just don't have anything warm and brown to wear it with right now. But I'm sure I'll get
something.

The next day I emptied my closet out onto my bed searching for a matching shirt to wear it with. I was a half hour late for work and I ended up wearing a short-sleeved shirt in the middle of winter, but I managed to wear the necklace.

Secret Santa Necklace: $10
Awkward Conversation With Co-Worker Regarding Whether It's Too Cheap To Wear In Public: Priceless.

A funny story I forgot to blog

A few months back, I was with my boss and two co-workers at a lawyer mixer thing. A prominent local lawyer was there too. He was with a kid, I'd say about 16-years-old. The kid was short and wearing a suit that was way too big for him. In addition, he had long, emo hair in his face, kinda bad skin, and he looked like he hated being there. He stood by himself off to the side while the lawyer schmoozed it up. Typical teenager, pretty much. So I'm introduced to the lawyer and here's how the conversation went:

Me: It's nice to meet you. Is this your son?
Him: No, it's my husband.
Me: Oh. I'm sorry.
My boss & co-workers: (mortified)

So yeah, apparently the "kid" wasn't a kid at all. And the prominent local lawyer is gay. And he is "married" to a much, much younger man. And I am a jackass. Awesome.

Welcome Baby Daphne!

Congratulations Brad & Vanessa!

Moka Update

My baby is still sick. His diabetes has caused him to have horrible peeing and pooping problems, weight loss, and his back legs are barely working. It kills to me to watch him suffer, but he's supposed to be able to live a normal life once the diabetes is finally under control. The vet says this is all normal for a diabetic cat, and that it can take up to 3 months to regulate his diabetes. In the meantime, this is what we have to go through. :-(

Moka at the vet

I left work early today because Moka made bloody pee and diarrhea all over the house. We're at the vet now...

Flogging Cladeedah

Go ahead, smack me around. I know I've been bad. I'm going to go with the cliche and blame it on the busy holidays.

Christmas was good. New Year's was good. After all the stress of travelling, bridesmaid stuff, Christmas, and New Year's, I'm happy to get back to the status quo.

One thing is still stressing me out though. My cat Moka isn't doing well. He's got feline diabetes, which is causing him to have major pooping and peeing problems. They say the first few months of treating it are the most difficult -- both in terms of treatment and cost. It's been kicking our butts, but we're sticking it through. I cannot express how much I love that cat.

I'll try to post some pictures of New Year's sometime this week. I know I've been a bad blogger and this update isn't much, but just bear with me. I promise to make it worth your while!