Moka Update

So things have gone from bad to worse w/ Moka. As you know, last Wednesday Moka was diagnosed with crystals in his urethra, which caused blockage and didn't allow him to pee and made him sick.

Friday, when the vet went to take out his catheter, it wouldn't come out. Apparently, this is extraordinarily unusual, so the vet panicked. She employed two more vets to try and take out the stuck catheter, and they had no success. So they, too, panicked. They called me, and I freaked out. They said that I should take him back to the emergency vet who put it in to see if he could get it out,

I was furious. What if the original vet said to fuck off, that he didn't do anything wrong, and refused to see the cat? And what could he even do that three vets hadn't already tried? What the hell was going to happen to my cat? And what kind of hospital pushes a patient out the door with a catheter still stuck in them?

After much worry and anguish, we took Moka back to the original vet on Friday night. He managed to get the catheter out and didn't charge us anything for that procedure or to house him that night. The next day though, it was back to the drawing board with regard to treating the crystals. They put in a new catheter and then took it out Sunday and waited to see if he could pee on his own.

He has not been able to. So they asked us if we wanted to make one more attempt with a third catheter. We said no. Moka's suffered with this catheter nonsense for 6 days now, and it's cost us $1900, and we're still in the same position we were in the very first night.

Girl cats don't usually have the crystals problem, so the ultimate answer to all this crystal business is a sex change operation. We think it's innevitable in Moka's case, so we're doing it sooner rather than later. So he's scheduled for the procedure tomorrow around 12pm. I'm going in today to see him and say goodbye to his man-cat-hood forever.

:-(

The Best Birthday Card Ever

My best friend Allison prides herself on sending me the weirdest birthday cards imagineable. She looks all year long for just the right one. The less they make sense, the better.

This year, she truly outdid herself:

Front

Inside


WHUH? HA!!! That definitely takes the chicken cake. Thanks Allison & Kelly. :-* (smooches)

Animal ER

We got home around 11pm last night. I could tell something was wrong when I opened the front door. The place was oddly quiet. I didn't realize until later that it was because Moka, my baby kitty, wasn't there to greet me like he usually is. A short time later, Brian noticed Moka wasn't himself. He refused to get up. He was really quiet, except for a small, pained meow here and there. (He's usually super-chatty.) So at 11:30pm, we took him to the animal ER.

Turns out his urethra was blocked, and he needed an immediate procedure or else his bladder could burst or his kidneys could fail, and he could die. So he got it done overnight. This morning Brian took him to the regular vet. They say he needs to stay hospitalized for about 2 days.

Last night's animal ER bill: $922. Nevernmind what's coming from the regular vet.

((SIGH))

My new favorite band...

...singing my new favorite song:


good day (by the dresden dolls)

so you dont want to hear about my good song?
and you dont want to hear about how i am getting on
with all the things that i can get done
the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
so you don't want to hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?
you dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence
success is in the eye of the beholder
and its looking even better over your cold shoulder

i'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning
but jesus think about the bridges you are burning
and i'm betting
that even though you knew it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

so go ahead and talk about your bad day...
i want all the details of the pain and misery
that you are inflicting on the others
i consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took up croquet today and i'm on fire

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

hey! its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i had so much fun today and i'm on fire
god it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
i'm on fire...
i'm on fire...
so you dont want to hear about my good day?

We are so freakin' cool

Lame stuff and more lame stuff

Fat Enid, our special needs cat, had one of her special needs episodes about a week and a half ago and peed on both of our sofas, so our exciting news is that we're looking for new couches and that we're sitting on Spider-man folding chairs until we get them. Here are the boys after they managed to chuck our sofa-bed into the dumspter:

I was totally impressed. So yeah, if you have cheap, modern, gorgeous couches in tan or cream or light blue, or know of a good place to get that, let us know.

Also last week, the alarm clock I've had for 11 years finally died. Then last night the washer started leaking water all over the floor. The repairman came over today and told us nothing was wrong with it. Oh really? Explain THE FU%@ING CREEK IN MY GO@DA#N HALLWAY THEN, MOTHERFU*@ER. The water got under the Pergo, so now we may have to replace both the washer and the floor.

You know all this is happening all at once now because we have our Japan trip coming up in 3 weeks and because I actually managed to pay off my credit cards AND save money for the trip. Sayonara to that now. (The spending money, not the trip. You'd have to kill me for me not to get on that plane.)

In other lame news, I saw Employee of the Month and School for Scoundrels this weekend. Both solid C+'s. Then again, I wasn't expecting very much. Oh, and Jennifer Simpson (as my 84-year-old husband calls her) stil can't act, in case you were wondering about how those acting classes worked out for her.

BRAINS!!!

LAST NIGHT WENT FIRST FRIDAY. WANT EAT BRAINS. PEOPLE RUN. ERGHHH. PEOPLE SAY DISGUSTING. OTHER THINK WE FRIENDLY. WANT PICTURES. WE WANT EAT BRAINS!!!

PICTURES HERE.

Amazonfest

Amazonfest is coming to Las Vegas October 20th through the 22nd. From what I can tell, it's like a convention for tall-fetish internet vixens and their admirers. I think I'll go. Not because I need my ego stroked by the fetishists. Just to meet other girls who are taller than me. Should be an interesting experience.

My prayers have been answered

Good news Tori fans! The All-Tori-Amos-All-the-Time online radio station you've been waiting for is now active! Now you don't have to bother with all that other so-called "music" from other artists. Listen here.

So you don't dry clean silicone then?

This morning, I asked Brian to take my dry cleaning basket to the cleaners by his office. So he gets there, and he starts pulling out clothes, when, all of a sudden, a giant, hot pink rubber dildo falls out of the pile onto the counter. (FYI, this is the novelty dildo my sister got for a game at my now-infamous bachelorette party. I don't really have a place for it, so it's been in my closet for nearly a year. I guess when I was straightening up the other day, the dildo somehow ended up in the dry cleaning basket.)

So I asked Brian what he did at that point. What he said after it fell onto the counter. "Nothing," he said. "There's not really anything you can say when a dildo falls out of your clothes at the dry cleaner." He just picked it up, put it back in the basket and continued with the transaction.

Poor guy. I don't think he's going to be taking my dry cleaning in for me anymore after this. :-|

Sac Pics

Here are a couple pics of my recent Sacramento trip taken w/ a crappy disposable camera. (Topless shots omitted.)

Cat Lad

My 12-year-old nephew is so special. Last weekend, he decided on a super-hero alterego for himself. His name is Cat Lad. Cat Lad has the ability to make super-powerful fur-balls of doom. He also has acid-like urine and poisonous saliva. Oddly enough, Cat Lad's daytime alias is Moka Chaloka. Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's not my character.

Anyway, here's an artist's rendering of Cat Lad. (Not sure what the purse is all about.)

And here's the real deal. Here's Cat Lad:

Here's Cat Lad in battle:


Cat Lad and his mascot:

Cat Lad showing off his mad climbing skillz:

Cat Lad incognito:

Cat Lad in his Cat-mobile:

Cat Lad saving a little boy from imminent peril:

So anyway, this has been my nephew's new thing for a little over a week now. Cat Lad comes out everywhere we go. This weekend, while furniture shopping with Cat Lad, we walked past two other little boys. Cat Lad let out his signature Cat Lad meowlp. The other boys responded with their own super-hero calls. One barked like a dog and the other made a noise like an elephant. The meowing and barking and elephant noises continued until we got into the car. Children can be so special.

Nice guys...

Today, a girl walked up to Brian in the grocery store parking lot and asked him for gas money because she'd run out of gas. Like he always does in this type of situation, Brian offered to go get her gas in the spare can he keeps in his car. Usually, the beggars come clean after that and admit they don't really want gas, just money. This time though, the girl said okay, she'd like the gas.

So Brian is pleasantly surprised. He goes to the gas station down the street, fills up his gas can and comes back. Shockingly, the girl is gone when he returns.

The moral of the story? People suck. Why even bother?

Sickening

Er-bear, one of my Reno biatchez, was in town today for business. We met for pizza and pie and gossip. I think I convinced her to move down here. (Yay!) :-) Here's us:


And here's this totally sickening couple I know:

This is what you get, when you mess w/ us

One of my girlfriends saw this site, DontDateHimGirl.com on Doctor Phil last week. She started poking around and found a guy our other friend Chesty had dated for several years. We told her all along he was shady. We're 99.9% sure this is him.

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love

I finally posted the pics of Allison & Kelly's wedding. So cute!

Yo' cat is so fat...

My cat is so fat, she needs a double-wide catbox just so her big ass can fit. The other day, she couldn't quite get it all in there, so she accidentally peed on the outside. No really. She really does need a plus-size box.

No pie for you!

I fretted for weeks about what pie I was going to enter into the pie contest. I even did a test run of Todd's famous buorbon walnut pie, but I f-ed it all up, so it just made me more scared.

It didn't help that Megan F. (creator of Pie Contest) had been preparing her pie for four months, or that she had been saving her filling in the freezer since cherry season. Or that she had a partner. Or that they talked A LOT of trash. So there was definitely an intimidation factor there.

I mulled it over in my head over and over. I went through varying stages - confusion, hope, fear, anger, denial, defiance. In the end, the pressure was too much. I punked out.

Instead of making a pie, my friend Megan S. and I made green enchiladas. In an even more brazen showing of defiance, Megan insisted that one batch be stuffed with bagged spinach. (Damn, I miss me some Megan.) In the end, we placed 2nd in the "That's Not a Pie!" category. Not too shabby.

The real reward though was the trip up there. It was fabulous to see my amazing law school girlfriends again. They are so cool & fun & amazing. And downtown Sacramento is hands-down the cutest place on earth. Oh, and a sweet girl I met up there showed me her nipples. And even let me take pictures! Oh what a weekend, indeed!

James Blunt or Five For Fighting?

I listen to the adult Top 40 station every day as I get ready for work (mostly for the celebrity gossip). As a result, we hear a lot of James Blunt and a lot of Five For Fighting. Brian hates both of these artists and can't tell them apart. So we have this game that we play now. It's called "James Blunt or Five For Fighting?" It's pretty self-explanatory, I guess. Brian hears a song by one of them and tries to guess which artist it is. He is really bad at this game, which totally cracks me up. The other day, I threw in a Neville Brothers song, just to mess with his head. Oh man, I laughed and laughed.

Ugly Mug

So the other day, a "friend" of mine (who shall remain nameless... COUGH COUGH Kelly) starts telling me a story. She starts it like this:

"When I first met you, I thought you were ugly, but then BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

So you can pretty much tell where I stopped listening.

"Are you drunk?" I asked. "No," she said.

She wondered why I was so aghast at what she'd just said. She insisted that the point of her story was to give me a compliment, but I don't know... it's hard to get past the idea that someone actually thinks you're ugly. Not just okay, or so-so, or mildy attractive. The polar opposite. Ugly. Hideous. Repulsive.

So now I have a complex. Which I honestly, truly never had before. So yeah. People think I'm ugly. That's crazy. How could I not have known something like this? I am so humbled.

Fu*kin' Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Nevermind that title, that song has just been in my head today. It's one of our favorite karaoke classics. :-)

So wow, it's been like almost a whole week since I blogged, huh? Here's a rambly post summing up what's been going on w/ me lately...

1) I dyed my hair red and cut off about 7 inches or so a week and a half ago. It's kinda subtle, but not really.

2) Went to Allison & Kelly's wedding. It was super-nice and we had a good time. We met some amazing best-friends-of-the-weekend - a young doctor from Chicago and her flamboyantly straight doctor-to-be husband. We took pictures, but Brian has the camera with him in his man-bag, so I haven't been able to upload them to the internets. Here are a couple pictures our best-friends-of-the-weekend sent us to tie you over:

The blushing brides


The Wine Ceremony


Best-friends-of-the-weekend


Attempting to congratulate the bride


3) Japanese class has been kicking my butt. It's 4 units and it's too late to audit. It's going to be really embarassing when I fail a community college class.

4) I'm heading up to Sacramento this weekend to see my law school girlfriends. It's going to be a pie party in more ways than one!

5) The Reno Biatches and I are brainstorming an all-girl's getaway for the Spring. Any ideas??

Cry-cry some more...

We just un-bought the house we bought last Friday. We are so sad and emotional about it. It was just too much too fast. With better planning, we'll be able to get another house later on under much less stressful conditions.

Well at least it wasn't a bear...

I know it's messed up, but Brian and I couldn't help chuckling when we heard that the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray. At least it wasn't a crocodile. (Or a bear.)

Lesbo Wedding

In other news, my best friend is getting married here this weekend and I get to be part of the ceremony. YAY!! I also get to see some old friends from high school and college. YAY AGAIN!!

Wait, what?

I can't believe it. We got the house. I'm going to throw up. This is so exciting.

In other crazy news, I checked with my boss and he confirmed that I got a raise for my two-year anniversary. Surprise surprise!

We are SO not going to get this house...

...but we figured we'd try and put a bid in anyway. It's got a nice, open floor plan and huge windows on the side and back, overlooking the private courtyard and the pool. Fingers crossed.

Sitting here. Hard as calculus.

We started our new Japanese class tonight. It's 4 hours a week and it's hard as fu*k. Last semester was just learning to talk. This semester is learning to read and write. I'm considering auditing so I don't stress myself out too bad.

"I had a nightmare I was a blonde"

That was written on a t-shirt I saw at the mall today. I thought it was really funny. (Sorry Randi)

Then I had the blondest moment ever today while we were meeting with our loan officer. I had told him over the phone that my salary was a certain amount, and that I had just gotten a 3% cost of living increase, so I wasn't sure what my new annual salary worked out to be.

So at our meeting, I brought in my latest paycheck stub and we did the math and it turns out I actually make 26% more than I thought I was making. I think I actually squeeled when he told me what my gross annual income was. It was like finding a $20 bill in an old pair of jeans, only WAY better.

How the heck could I not have known this? Where the heck did this 26% increase come from? Did I get some raise I was unaware of? Is it some kind of mistake? Did my boss use the wrong salary table when he told me what my salary step was going to be? Is someone in HR screwing with me?

It was pretty obvious the loan officer thought I was a total idiot. Who doesn't calculate their hourly rate and then multiply it times the hours worked per year?? At the end of our meeting, he gave us a card for a financial planner and strongly suggested we start keeping better track of our finances. Now that we're going to be all grown up with a mortgage, I think I'm going to go ahead and follow that advice.

Reality Executives

Our realtor works for a company called Realty Executives. It's weird though. Every time I read the sign, I think it saya Reality Executives. Like they're going to help you with executing your preferred reality or something.

No Such Thing As Too Tall

Three different people sent me this study, which talks about why tall people make more money than average-sized people. According to the study, it's got nothing to do with our confidence or our dominating statures. It's actually just that we're smarter than everyone else. So there it is. You can't argue with science.

What is my eye-gouging problem?

I scratched my eyeball again. This is the third time. I'm not sure what my problem is. Hard contact lenses just suck I guess.

At the very least, it's enough to make me start watching again.

The next season of Survivor will divide the tribes up according to race. Potentially eye-opening social study or cheap reality show ratings gimmick? Discuss.

Weightwatcher's Flunkee

I think I'm the first person ever to quit Weightwatcher's before I ever even got started.

There's a group of people at my job that do Weightwatcher's meetings every Wednesday at lunchtime. I've been thinking lately that I could stand to lose a few pounds in my middle areas, so I decided to join the latest 10-week session (cost = $120).

So I had my "last fried zucchini" for breakfast this morning, and decided to go to the meeting at noon. As it got closer to the time though, I started to panic. How could I ever enjoy fried ice cream again, knowing how many "points" it was costing me? And what about sushi buffet? Sabritones? Taco Bell Mexican Pizza?? Dessert Diner??? Pie Contest????

When my friend came to get me for the meeting, I was actually pretty worked up. "I'm not going!" I yelled.

I rationalized my decision by saying that I'd instead use the money to buy a mini-fridge so I could make my own salads and sandwiches instead of eating fast-food for lunch every day. And that I really did need 2400 calories a day to survive, seeing as how I am 6-foot-5. And that all I really need to do is exercise more. So this will just be extra incentive. I don't need Weightwatchers, I can do it on my own!

So there you have it. I'm a Weightwatchers flunkee before I even started. At least I didn't have to lose $120 to figure it out.

Speaking of being neurotic about food, check out the latest picture of Nicole Ritchie out of Star Magazine.


Yeah, that really makes me want to stop eating my Sabritones. Uh-huh...

Pie party, here I come

So my super-amazingly-fun-friend Megan F. holds a pie contest every year in her home in Sacramento. I was there for the first pie contest (I think it was the first one, anyway). And then the second. Every year, it's gotten bigger and bigger. Now it's a huge deal. Everyone comes and there are sooo many pies. Even if you have just a half-bite of each, you still leave with a huge stomach-ache, craving water and bacon (and anything else that might help your system dilute the sugar). But the tasting itself is heavenly, and therefore totally worth the stomach-ache...

So this year's Pie Contest is Sep. 17th. Megan F. suggested I fly up for it, and I accepted her invitation. I'm also going to see my law school buddies Megan S. and Rebecca, who both just got done with their respective world travels.

Back to the Pie Contest though. I need a recipe. One that's going to kick butt at this pie party. I've never even placed before. The closest I've come is being engaged to Brian when his cobbler won in the "That's Not a Pie" category. Megan S. has already thrown down the gauntlet and threatened to annihilate us with something from her Mormon-bred, from-scratch arsenal of recipes. I now turn to you, the citizens of Blogville to see if you can help me rise up and win the Pie Contest.

The funniest movie I've seen in a really long time...

...is Little Miss Sunshine. I haven't laughed so hard in a movie since Zoolander. Everyone should go see it. It was kooky and sweet and HILARIOUS!

Cry-cry, cry-cry

Someone else bought our house. :-(

We met with a realtor today to discuss a reasonable price. Once we came up with one and he called to make an offer, the seller told him it was already in escrow. I cried. We already had the kitty garden all laid out in our minds. We were figuring out where the entertainment center would go and which way the bed would face. We envisioned our super-fun First Friday barbecues in our new, cute little backyard. My friend Megan says everyone has to have their heart broken by at least one house in their lifetime. I'm sure we'll call this one "the heartbreaker" for the rest of our lives.

We are putting in a back-up bid, just in case the other buyers punk out, but we don't expect anything to come from it. We don't even know how much they're buying it for.

Aha!

I love magazines. One of my favorites is Real Simple. I really like a feature they run called New Uses For Everyday Things. They basically take an ordinary object, describe it's typical use, then give you ideas for a totally new, totally innovative "Aha! use" for the same object.

We had a problem recently in our main bathroom. The problem was this: We had tons of magazines but not enough floor space in the bathroom to comfortably house a magazine rack or basket. We searched for a small, wall-mounted rack, but everything we found was either too big for the 2-foot wall-space above the towel bar or too ugly to hang up. Here is how Brian finally solved the problem:


Object: Wine Rack
Original Purpose: Storing wine
Aha! Use: Compact and stylish magazine rack (The pic makes it look coppery, but it's really more like a brushed aluminum)

Potentially Super-Exciting News

So we went househunting this weekend. Just to get our toes wet and see what's out there right now (it's supposedly a buyer's market). So we looked all over town - at old houses and new houses. One thing was made very clear very fast: all the homesellers in Vegas are on crack. $175 a square foot to live in the ghetto? Are you freaking joking me??

What we did not expect was to fall in love so quickly. We found an adorable house we love downtown. It's a foreclosure that got bought up by a developer and totally remodeled. They're asking $400,000 for a 2200 square foot house. Everyone we've talked to about it says the same thing: offer $300k and see what happens. So that's what we're doing. And apparently that's how it's done here. No wonder all the prices are so ridiculously inflated.

So yeah, we're making an offer on a house. Odds are we won't get it, but it's still weird to think it could potentially happen so quickly if the offer's accepted.

I'm about to part with a dear secret...

My favorite show right now - even moreso than Project Runway - is The Contender. This is super bizarre, right? Cuz the show is about BOXING (which I never knew I liked) and because it airs on ESPN (which I've never watched.) (Literally, never.) (Ever ever.)

So here's the thing about The Contender. I get so stressed out while watching it, i can barely finish an episode. I freak out Tom Cruise-style on my couch during the fight scenes.

Here's me watching an epidode:

"Oh no! No no no no no no! Don't hit him! Aye, don't hit him! Dodge! Dodge! Eek eek eek eek eek... AGH! Aye, no me peges!!! NOOO!! YES!! Hit him! Get him! Yeah, hit him again!! Knock him out! Knock his fuc*in' ass out! Oh! Ow, ow ow, don't hurt him!"

And then I cry. That's right, the damn show makes me cry, with its underdog story lines and its blaring hero music. You are a powerful and irrational master, Mark Burnett!!!

This week's episode was one of the most exciting to date. Ebo Elder, the sweet Christian fighter from Georgia, got knocked out in the fourth round after winning rounds one through three against his good friend. (Whose name escapes me because the episode wasn't edited in a way that would make me care about him. But anyway...) So Ebo's adorable 6-year-old is left weeping The winner is left sad and miserable in the locker room because he can't forgive himself for crushing his friend's dream. And Ebo gets taken away in an ambulance, but remains as sweet and as chipper as ever about the whole thing.

That is some good fuc*in' television, man.

Nothing left to do but count down the days!

We are officially paid in full for our Japan trip. Woo-hoo!

The bad news is we don't leave until October 31st. :-(

The coolest commercial EVER

So I got home today and had this message on my answering machine. HILARIOUS!!

Grandmaster G

This is kind of funny.

Oh man, this is going to be even better than Honey!

I went to see Talladega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby today, but I didn't get to movie-hop into John Tucker Must Die, like I wanted to. I did, however, get tickets from David for tomorrow's sneak preview of Step Up, that new dance movie starring Justin Timberlake's ex-girlfriend. Where are you when I really need you, Megan??

It must be official, if it's on the internet

According to US Weekly, David Spade has officially changed his myspace dating status to "In a Relationship," which supports the theory that he is dating Heather Locklear. I wonder if that's how she found out he was really serious about her. (See David Spade's Myspace profile here.)

I just think it's funny after reading that and this article from BJ's blog that myspace has become such an effective means for dropping a hint.

Eat your heart out, Shakira!

Saw this on Best Week Ever and thought it was hella cool:



That's their latest video. This is their first one:

FINALLY...

I finally got around to giving my friend Rebecca a present I had gotten her way back in May, when I went to New Haven.

Here's what I got her.

The reason it's funny is because poor Rebecca's house has smelled like cat piss since she bought it. She came to find out that the reason why is because, prior to her owning it, the house was occupied by the neighborhood crazy cat lady and her hundreds of cats. It ended up having to be condemned and now poor Rebecca can't get the smell out of her house. So I saw the acton figure and thought she would like it for voodoo purposes or something.

Two-year Anniversary

It's my two-year work anniversary today. Time flies. Then again, not really.

Lonnie Hammargren is on crack (and that's probably why I'll end up voting for him)

I got a VERY interesting piece of junk mail today. It was an audio CD called Songs of Nevada, by Dr. Lonnie Hammargren, aka, "Nevada's Unknown Balladeer." You can listen to it by clicking here. As if his Nevada-themed renditions of "Ring of Fire" and "You are my Sunshine" weren't enough, his accomplishments listed on the back of the mailer, without a doubt, seal the deal. See the whole thing here.

Here were a couple of my favorite accomplishments:

Honorary Consul to Belize

Knighted for charity work five times: Greece, Italy, London, Russia, Malta

Archeoastronomer

Amazon Explorer

Member of Screen Actors Guild - 15 years:

Ronald Reagan was previous President (WTF??)

Inventor of Karaoke guitar trademark

Video producer – “Las Vegas Live”

Video Producer – Travel logs: “Tahiti” and “New Guinea”

and one that's not on the website but is on the mailer: Astronaut Applicant.

Wow. You get my vote for originality alone, Dr. Hammargren!

BETCH

Yesterday at the tall girl store, this sales lady goes, "It's even harder for you to find clothes since you're so teeny on top and so big on the bottom." I felt like Kelly in the Shoes video. I was like, "Oh. By the way betch, FU*K YOU!!!"

A Series of Fortunate Events

That's cool. Saturday, I won tickets on the radio to see Five for Fighting perform. Later that night, Brian got 3 awards for his graphic design work at an awards show we went to. Even later that night, the night club where the show was held opened its doors to the public and we ran into Shannon, who happened to be there with some of her college friends. What a lucky day! :-)

Carrot Top is my boyfriend

So Carrot Top was surprisingly good! His delivery was one of an ultra-experienced comic. His prop thingies were really clever, and there were tons of penis & sodomy jokes! What more could a girl with a 12-year-old-boy's sense of humor ask for? A sprinkle of A.D.H.D. maybe? Sure enough, it was in there.

The show worked really well in its own theater. It wasn't just props & costumes anymore. He's now incorporated music, Blue Man Group-type audience participation and a wide screen projector into the act. It all works really well with his routine. And the music, along with his A.D.H.D., makes the show really high-energy.

It was only slightly offputting that the act seemed tailored for middle America, with its NASCAR, country music, and redneck jokes. But I wonder if those were just easy targets, and that's why they were a big part of the show. I don't know, all I know is that fu*ker is buff, and I don't care that he has freaky painted-on eyebrows, a pale face, and an orange spray-tanned body, cuz he was funny as fu*k!

Freaky eyebrows

Friday night we're going to see Carrot Top. I know, it's super-dorky. We're just going cuz we got free tickets. I'll let you know if it was worth the price of admission. :-)

How Great Is YouTube?

A couple posts back, Sweet Coalminer left me a link for the this video (now my #1 favorite song):

Kelly "Shoes"


I became curious, so I did some searching on the internet and found the mastermind behind the video. Here are two more of his bizarrely hilarious videos:

Cunningham Muffins


Love Letters


So what's the funniest internet video you've seen lately?

Nerdy AND overpriced

Saw this at the convention this weekend. Apparently they're going for big bucks. It's an R2D2 beanie hat! HA, what a clever idea!

Nerd Convention 2006

This weekend, we were in San Diego for our third year of Comic-Con. We saw a couple pretty cool presentations.

First, we caught the tail end of the Superman 2 Director's Cut presentation. I guess the director of the first Superman started filming the second one, and then for whatever reason they ended up changing out directors in the middle of it. So now they're releasing a DVD of the movie w/ the first director's unused footage. They showed a few clips of it, and it looked pretty cool. It was kinda weird seeing Margot Kidder & Christopher Reeves in NEW material. Kinda like how Tupac keeps releasing albums, even though he's dead. WEIRD!

Then we saw the Battlestar Galactica panel, with Lucy Lawless, Edward James Olmos, a couple of other people from the cast, and the creators of the show. They gave some hints about what was going to happen in season 3. We're still on season 1, so that kinda sucked for us. But it whet our appetites for the rest of the series.

Then we caught the tail end of some new Star Wars video game Q & A with George Lucas' press agent. Talk about some angry nerds!

By far the largest and funniest presentation was for Snakes on a Plane, w/ Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson was funny as hell on the panel. One kid asked if he would ever consider working with up-and-coming directors, and he said sure, if they could write the right check, he'd work with anyone. Or if they had a fine sister or a fine momma. Then he interrogated the kid about whether his momma or his sister were fine. It was hilarious. Then he kept calling the snakes motherf*ckers, which was equally hilarious.

One cool tidbit they revealed was that Samuel L. Jackson had it written in his contract that he would get no closer than 20 feet to any real snakes, so you're going to see a lot of CGI in this movie. Apparently, the previews for this movie intentionally don't show very much of the film, and the makers are not having critics screen the film before its release. They say it's cuz they don't want to give too much away (yeah right), but then they went ahead and showed us about 10 minutes of footage from the movie. Yeah, the movie looks horrible. Don't buy into the marketing.

We also got to see a preview for the new Tenacious D movie, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, which looks a hell of a lot better than Snakes on a Plane. I think it's a rock musical, at least the entire preview was in that format. Anyway, yeah, it looks mad funny. I'm definitely seeing it.

Another cool presentation we saw was w/ Robert Smigel, who does the Saturday TV Funhouse cartoons on Saturday Night Live and who also does the voice of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. He showed some of the cartoons that were too hot for TV. A couple were about Michael Jackson molesting little boys. He also ran around as Triumph, which was kinda cool. I wish I would have gotten a picture, but I didn't. Oh well...

Here are some pics we took w/ the digital camera and some David took w/ his phone. We planned on going for a second day to see some panels about Lost and Veronica Mars, but online registration was down and we didn't want to battle the registration lines, so we just went to the beach instead. And Ikea. Don't be jealous. :-)

Working is so hard...

We're leaving tonight for Comic-Con in San Diego. See ya'll in a couple days.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVEBUG!!

My sweetie-pie turns 29 today. Awe.

"I'd have to go up on you!"

A friend of mine sent me this photo today. It's from a few years ago in Sacramento, when a bunch of us law students met Ron Jeremy at a screening of his documentary. He stunk like the worst B.O. you could imagine, and made a tall joke that's now the title of this blogpost.

The funniest part about this experience though was when my other friend subtly substituted himself in for Ron Jeremy in the photo.


HA!

Bootyhead Chamber

I was reaading about these cell phone booths they're talking about putting in movie theaters, restaurants, and other public places where it's considered rude to use your cell phone. It seems like a good idea in theory. I just wonder if anyone will actually use them. Other than for sex, drug-use, and to piss in, I mean.

People are so weird

Saturday night we met a couple of Brian's childhood friends for a birthday party at the Crown & Anchor. This guy shows up, some friend of a friend of a friend, and, no lie, he looks just like a pirate. He had a head rag and this little skinny mustache that was curled up at the ends, and a pointy goatie.

The first thing I thought was, "Wow, he must've just gotten off of work at a show on the Strip or something." But then I asked him what the pirate thing was all about and he said it was on purpose, just cuz.

Wow. So, like, instead of cross-dressing, this guy gets his kicks by dressing up as a pirate. Just like the guy in Dodgeball. Is this a common thing? Is there a psychological diagnosis for this?

Reason #86 why I won't be going to medical school

Saturday, Brian & David & I went to see Bodies, The Exhibition.

For all you link-phobics who don't know, this is a collection of dead bodies, dissected and treated with a polymer to keep them preserved. As horrific as it sounds, it's actually presented very tastefully. And it's a supreme educational experience. Spend some time on the web site to get a better idea of what it's all about.

So anyway... we go down there, and inadvertantly, we haven't eaten for a few hours, so we're starving as we're walking through. It doesn't help that human muscle looks like flank steak. Or that human tendons look just like KFC. So I was simultaneously starving and queesy the whole time. It was like, "Damn I'm hungry... Oh God, this is gross... Oh man, I'm totally going to barf." Despite the constant battle not to throw up, I managed to enjoy the experience overall.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

It was like a crash course in anatomy. Lots of cool facts combined with awe-inspiring demonstrations. The rooms were separated into different parts of the body: muscles, joints, heart, lungs, digestion, reproduction, skin, etc.

In the lungs room, you could see a healthy non-smoker lung compared to a smoker's lung w/ emphysema. They had a bin next to the exhibit where you could deposit your cigarettes if you chose to stop smoking then and there. In the digestion room, you got to see a liver with cirrhosis compared to a healthy one, and in the brain room, you got to see a brain with a severe stroke compared to a normal one.

One of the most interesting parts was the fetus room. They showed preserved fetuses in each week of development. It was really shocking to see just how quickly things like skeletons and fingerprints developed. They also had some babies who died of birth defects, like one born without a frontal lobe (head) and another born with its insides on its outside. They give you the option to bypass this part of the exhibit if you don't want to see it.

Probably the thing I thought was the coolest was the person cut in half right down the middle, so you could actually see how all the organs and systems sat inside the body. So cool!

Interestingly, the bodies were all Chinese. The web site says it's cuz they have a good team of doctors at the universities there, but I think it's more about the number of "donated" or "unidentified" bodies available there.

SPOILERS ENDED

So yeah, if you get the chance, definitely check it out. Just don't go either right after or right before you're supposed to eat. Also, don't see Saw 2 the day after, cuz it'll make you feel sick again. I'm just saying.

Off the Hook

So Friday, while I'm at work, I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. I answer and it turns out to be someone asking about an apartment for rent. "Wrong number," I say, and continue about my business. A few minutes later, I get the same kind of call from a different number. Then again. And again. Eventually I got the hint and stopped answering. These calls have not stopped all weekend.

Turns out my mom put an ad in the paper to rent out an empty apartment and, for whatever reason, decided to put my number in the ad instead of her own. When I confronted her about it, she just said, "Tee-hee. Yeah, I don't know why I did that. Just don't answer your phone." Oh, okay, no problem. Mi cellular es su cellular!

We're not all sociopaths...

Thanks to Greg for passing this on to me. It's the most awkward Daily Show interview EVER.

Oh yeaaaaah.....

The best reality show on TV is back starting tonight!

Can't get it out of my head

I frickin' love this song right now:



Hate Me by Blue October

Ha! There it is!

Bitter Monkey

The stupid gameshow that I got rejected from premieres tonight on VH1. Actually, they aired it on Sunday morning orignally, so I've already seen it. I will never understand how those people got on that show and I didn't. ((Shaking head))

America's Next Top Shelf Organizer

Alright haters, the tall blog is updated.

Sleepaway Camp

So, instead of the usual company retreat, Brian's boss thought it'd be a good idea to have a company camping trip. You know, a family-friendly get-to-know-your-neighbor kinda thing. So we grabbed our 11-year-old nephew and headed to Zion National Park with about 30 other people.

I thought for sure I'd hate every second of camping, but surprisingly, I really enjoyed it. I think that when I'm scared, I kick it into survival mode and I just deal.

Going back to some of the questions & suggestions from before:

Q. Did you remember to bring toilet paper?

After last year's hiking debacle (also known as the "why I don't eat at Quizno's anymore story"), you bet your candy ass I did. I brought 4 rolls of toilet paper, 3 packs of wet wipes, and 3 travel-rolls of Charmin, just in case. I even brought toilet paper when we went tubing in the river, which actually turned out to be a pretty bad idea.

Q. Did you have to shit outside?

Thankfully, no. We got there early enough that we snagged the campsite closest to the bathrooms. The toilets flushed and the sinks had running water.

Q. Were there lots of bugs? If so, how did you deal?

Yes. I was OCD with the bugspray. And OCD about keeping the tent zipped up at all times. It also helped that I am severely near-sighted and refused to focus my eyes on the ground. The less I saw, the better, especially at night.

Q. Were there showers?

No. By the end of the trip, I had a thick black layer of grime on my skin. It was this sick combination of bugspray, sunscreen, and dirt. I had to shower twice when I got home and scrub my skin raw, just to get it off.

Q. Did you bring makeup?

I meant to, but then I couldn't find it, so I had to go without. That was actually my favorite part of camping - not having to worry about appearance. By cutting out showering, blow-drying my hair, putting on makeup, and choosing an outfit, I reduced my prep time from 1.5 hours to just 5 minutes. It was pretty freakin' nice.

Q. Were you the biggest crybaby there?

No. There were 4 teenaged girls on the trip, so the role of weak sister was overfilled. There was also a 5-year-old girl whose family left early with her on Day 2.

Q. What was the suckiest part of the trip?

The heat. It was miserably hot all day and all night. Oh, and also our air mattress. It sprung a leak on Day 2, so that night we slept on the hard, rocky floor. That really sucked.

We had a nice time overall though. The pictures are lame, but here they are anyway.

Cockblogged

Cockblogged:
1. v. past tense. To prevent someone from blogging.
2. adj. To be prevented from blogging.

Ex 1: Allison M. cockblogged my Shakespeare festival post by not emailing me the digital pics of the weekend's events.
Ex 2: Brad cockblogged my Moapa fireworks post by blogging about it first.
Ex 3: I am cockblogged from posting about the camping trip until we use up & develop all the film in the waterproof camera.

Don't dream it, be it...

After an unimpressive visit to my new cardiologist last week, I thought to myself, "What an idiot. I know way more about my heart condition than he does. I could totally do a better job than him." So ever since then, I've been wondering whether I should just go to medical school and become a heart doctor myself.

On the one hand, I'd be totally stoked to help other people with heart conditions, especially those with Marfan Syndrome. And I'm still relatively young, so I could potentially get a good career going by my late thirties. And I've always wanted to live up to the same epitaph as Thurgood Marshall did: "He did what he could with what he had." Becoming a doctor and a lawyer in one lifetime would surely maximize my potential.

On the other hand, I'd have to go back to school to get 38 more units of science credits (an estimated 1.5 years worth of school) & take the MCATs before I could even be admitted into medical school. Then there's med school itself, studying for and taking the boards, residency and "paying your dues" as a bitch doctor...

While I think I could do it, I don't think I would be happy for a very long time. And even if I tortured myself and jumped through all the hoops, there would not necessarly be a guarantee of happiness in the end. Don't doctors work long hours and never see their families? And what about medical malpractice insurance and medical school debt? Yeah, that's not really what I'm into. So for now, it looks like it's back to relying on the boneheads that managed to jump through all the right hoops.

Super-Meh

Just got back from seeing Superman. Let me preface by saying that I had really high hopes for this movie; maybe TOO high. I won't reveal too much about it. All I gotta say is: "meh." Not as fantastic as I'd hoped for. Final grade= B-.

Poker in the Rear

I survived camping. I'll post the ghastly photos shortly. Maybe. Unless I change my mind about letting you see me without make-up. But first, I need to post the-weekend-before-last's shenanigans, now that I've gotten the pics from Brad.

So the-Friday-before-last, a bunch of us went over to Brad's for Pokerstar Galactica night. The night was a combination of watching the first episode of the Battlestar Galactica TV series (which was actually better than I thought. SLURP.), followed by a game of poker.

The buy-in was $10 a piece, and there were 11 of us there total. At first, I didn't want to play. I will be the first to admit that I am terrible at poker and I'm not all that fond of giving away money. Plus, I'm totally intimidated by Vanessa, who is a vicious poker player. So I didn't want to play, but then I found out it was either that or babysit the kids, so I chose to play.

At first, I hung back. I bet low and folded early and often. Eventually, all the big, bold players were out ('cept for Vanessa) and it was just the ladies - Vanessa, Sondra, and me.

Vanessa tried to bully me out of the game with her bluffing. I held firm though and, despite my meager pot, I went all in. Just like a scene from a movie, I came back with, like, a really good hand. If I knew anything about poker, I'd know what it was called, but I don't, so I don't. All I know is that the cards were 10,10,J,Q,K,A and that that was good enough to take her out of the game. I had come back from nothing.

Here is me realizing that all of the money on the table was now mine:

And here is a bird's-eye-view of my cash-money:

I guess losing makes other people angry, because from that point forward, all I got was a bunch of crap from Shannon and Vanessa about how I was lying about not knowing how to play. Jealousy can be such an ugly thing. Here's me ignoring the haters and putting down some of their hard-lost money on my next hand:

Not knowing what I was doing, combined with wanting to end the game fast, I ended up betting all my money on some really crappy hands. Here is me a few minutes later losing:

I ended up coming in second place and winning $30. Not too shabby for it being only my second time playing, and playing against some pretty aggressive opponents. All in all, it was a successful and entertaining night.

Pack up the Tivo, we're goin' campin'!

After my two-day work week last week, I just couldn't go back to the old four-day grind, so I'm taking off after work on Thursday to go camping! Yay!

I still have to pick up a few things before we leave... apparently I need a pair of shorts (which I don't own) and a pair of sunglasses (which I also don't own) and maybe even a hat, and maybe some hiking shoes? I don't know... wish me luck out there. This'll only be the 2nd time in my life I've been camping. My husband's an Eagle Scout though, so it shouldn't be too scary, right????

Go Harass the Tall Girl

Alright, I finally posted on my hobo tall blog. It's an old story, but one I've been meaning to post for a while... here it is.

Another Thought That Should Count

I also saw this t-shirt and thought it'd be cool for my friend Erica, who is obsessed with her own boobies. (Just in case you can't read it, it says "How about these apples?")

The Thought That Counts

I saw this Holy Toast Maker at the store today. For some reason, I thought Shannon might like it. I was going to get it for her, but then I figured I'd just save my $6 and blog the sentiment instead. Enjoy, Shannon!

Feeling much better now, thank you

I'm happy to report that I've recovered nearly 100% from my battle with SARS. And I didn't end up going to the doctor. (Woo hoo, saved $35 plus prescriptions!) Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone. (And no, you can't have my friggin' Barbie collection.)

Eye Candy

It was so nice seeing Clive smiling back at me when I opened my blog, I just had to post another one. Oh, Clive... you are one good-looking man.

This is getting ridiculous

I think I have the bird flu. Or tuberculosis. I'm now on day 7 of being super-sick. My nose is all chapped from blowing it so much. I'm still all filled up with flem and coughing up green egg yolks. It pains me to speak or cough. One side of my lymph nodes is swollen more than the other. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm generally against antibiotics, but I'm starting to consider it. At what point should someone go to a doctor for a cold?

No More Tears

Wow, what an emotional day. Today we had a sentencing hearing for this lady who was driving on a suspended license and with no insurance, and 9 miles over the speed limit. A 12-year-old boy didn't look both ways and stepped out in front of her car. He was in a coma for 2 months before he finally died. So today we had to decide what to do with the lady that hit him.

I had already made the gut-wrenching decision two months ago not to charge her with vehicular manslaughter. Yes, she broke the law by driving, and yes, it was _a_ cause of the boy's death, but, in my opinion, the boy stepping out in front of the car was the supervening cause of his death. In other words, if it wasn't her car, it might have been someone else's that he stepped out in front of.

The speed wasn't a deciding factor either. They say she would have hit him, even if she had been going the speed limit. The impact on him would not have been as severe, but no one can know whether he would have survived.

So the family made their victim impact statements today. I bawled my eyes out. Even the judge bawled. He was sobbing as he rendered her sentence. The lady ended up with $1300 in fines, $4000 in restitution for burial expenses, 2 years probation, and one year of suspended jail.

Random Shite

I'm kinda light-headed, so this is going to be a stream-of-consciosness-type post. I've been sick as a dawg for about 4 days now. The only time I've left the house this entire weekend (including Monday) was to meet Ashlee Simpson & rent movies on the way back home from that.

I watched Derailed and Wedding Crashers. Both were pretty good. I wondered where the hell Derailed was going after like the first 15 minutes, but then it picked up really quickly and had lots of twists and turns. My advice is to push through; keep watching, even if you hate extra-marital affairs and rape scenes.

Wedding Crashers was cute. I think I'm officially over Owen Wilson now though. And officially madly, deeply in love with Clive Owen. Mmmm.... Anyway, back to Wedding Crashers. I got to see Brian's sister's boyfriend in it, so that was kinda cool. He was the cousin who says "Crabcakes and football - that's what Maryland DOES!" Apparenlty that's an often-quoted part of the movie. ((Shrug)) It's a ringtone available here if you want it.

Anyway... this weekend I also started watching a show I thought was really cool. It's called Little People, Big World. It's about this family where the mom and dad are dwarves, and they have twin boys, one of which is a dwarf and the other of which is not. They also have two other children who are both average height. I found the show extraordinarily compelling.

So now I know what to do about an issue I was having with my myspace. Coincidentally, a lot of "little people" have been sending me friend requests lately. Now, as a general rule, I don't approve people I don't know, mostly because I don't want to get their random bulletins. But I do make an exception for other tall people. Now I think I'm going to make an exception for little people. Watching the show, I totally understand why they would want to friend-request me, even if they don't know me. We're two sides of the same coin.

Hmmmm....

I wonder if Ashlee went back and told Joe or Jessica about the freakishly tall couple she met while she was in Las Vegas...

What a coincidence.. I was just about to blog about her impressive nose job!

So Saturday I was super-sick and hanging out at home in my pajamas all day. At about 4:45 pm, Brian calls and asks if I want to meet Ashlee Simpson. Apparently, he knows someone who knows someone. The catch is that the Meet & Greet is from 5-6pm, and I was at least a 30 minute drive from the venue, and still in my pajamas.

So I figure, why the hell not? Yes, I could be made fun of for it perpetually, but, then again, who really cares? At the very least, it'd be an interesting tidbit for the hungry bloggees. And as long as she doesn't sing or do a ho-down-dance, it ain't gonna hurt.

So I scramble to get ready, jump in the car and head for the House of Blues. We pretty much made it just in time. Ashlee was walking out as we were walking in. She stopped to say hello to us (thinking we were radio contest winners) and then her people snapped some photos of us and dragged her away.

I wanted to ask about her new nose (which I must say was quite impressive in-person), but all we really had time to do was make a quick height-quip & get a picture.

She was really, really tiny. I know everyone says that when they meet celebrities, but, really, it was shocking. Like 5'1", 90 lbs. We surrounded her and asked if she felt like she was trapped at the bottom of a well. She smiled and didn't really say anything else, other than, "It was nice meeting you.. yada yada yada."

So yeah, that was my random Saturday celebrity-encounter.

How excited am I?

Holy crap, I can't wait for July 18th. That's the day that The Best of She-ra - Princess of Power comes out on DVD. It'll be the first time in like 15 years that we get to see the old She-Ra cartoons.

Oh my gosh. This is even cooler than when I won the lottery to buy the 20th anniversary She-ra action figure at ComicCon two years ago. (SLURP)

Giant douchebag REVEALED!!

So the guy in the pics below is none other than Mr. Britney Spears himself, Kevin Federline. Apparently, he got all shaved and combed and de-wormed for this magazine cover shoot. Here's the full story.

So good job to everyone who participated in the poll. Allison & Housekeeper seem to have been the only ones who figured out who it really was, so super-special kudos to you. Everyone else, good job in knowing a douchebag when you see it. You all proved the can't-polish-a-turd theory. Ooh.. except Rebecca. It was a mean trick. I'm sorry, sweets.

WTG Reader's Poll: HOT or NOT?

I'll tell you why I'm asking once I've seen a couple of the votes. You're not eligible to vote if you've seen any of these pictures before. (Shannon.)

More Funny T-Shirt Ideas

* "I'd Hit That" - written under a picture of a pinata (saw it at Hot Topic but didn't like the style of the shirt)

* "I Heart Revenge" (saw this on a punk rock girl in my Japanese class)

* "Maybe I wanna look trashy" (saw this on the cover of a blank book.)

* "Good enough is good enough" (From The Underachiever's Manifesto)

* "Ugly People Have Good Sex Too" (From The Underachiever's Manifesto)