See Ya Suckas

We're going to Reno/Tahoe tonight for the New Year's weekend. We're gonna play in the snow, stalk old college friends, and cruise Tahoe/stateline for New Year's Eve. See you again on Tuesday morning.. Have a safe and happy New Year's.

Which Sci Fi Character Are You?

I'm Obi Wan!

"With the prowess of a seasoned samurai and the wisdom of a wizard, you try to do the sort of things that root out evil. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded."

"Back-blogged"

Sorry sorry sorry - I've been such a slacker-blogger lately. Work has been busy, and weeknights have been filled w/ shopping and wrapping. But now that Christmas is over, we can finally catch ourselves back up..

First order of business: Last Weekend's Christmas Party and White Elephant Gift Exchange.

Brian and I invited the old "VegasIntellectuals" gang over for some Christmas-party action. I personally thought it was a lot of fun. (Who knows what the guests thought...) Highlights of the party included:

My homemade pozole, which I served in these non-festive-but-still-freakin'-awesome bowls w/ ears...



Absolutely ingenius.

Also, we played holiday-themed games for prizes that Brian and I thought were cool.. like this retro Atari:



Oh, and our hyper-liberal friend Shannon got herself a little firearm during the old white elephant gift exchange.. a firearm from Walmart, no less. Now THAT is irony. Here's the happy gift recipient now...



Absolute hilarity.

The white elephant gift exchange was probably the funnest part of the night. I brought R.Kelly's Trapped In The Closet Chapters 1-12 on DVD, but no one seemed to appreciate it, so I stole it back for myself. (Fools. They have no idea the comedic genius they've passed up.)

Probably the cruelest gift of the evening was the bundle of adult diapers and canned meat. Poor Ben.



Nice going, Kat. Way to ruin a man's Christmas.

What else??? Oh yeah, my eleven-year-old nephew first wanted to steal the b.b. gun, but I told him he wasn't allowed... Then he unwittingly chose condoms and "Bod" men's body spray.. But by the end of the night, he ended up going home with a drinking game playset. Real nice guys. Way to shave years off the poor boy's already fleeting childhood.

Speaking of stealing... those Wards are white elephant gift pillagers, man. First Vanessa rips the Star Wars Pez dispenser collection right out of this poor, unsuspecting pez collector's hands...



THEN, as if that treachery weren't enough to satisfy their thirst for misery, Brad goes and steals The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus right out of this happy newlywed couple's excited little hands!!



Unfuckingbelievable! Way to cock-block a girl's holiday fantasy, guys...

So ANYWAY, that was the party. Here are all the pics I have from that night.

Second order of business: My review/social commentary on the movie Fun w/ Dick and Jane. In progress.. check back later.. no time right now.

Third order of business: My awesome customized Christmas presents.. Here are two of them:



That's right. They're underwear w/ my husband's picture on them. His adorable sister made them for me. The pair on top has a pic of him and me.. and the pair on bottom says "I Love Brian." And Brian got matching boxers. Awweee.... I have one more customized gift to blog about, but my camera battery just died, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow...

Ok kiddies, that's all we have time for tonight. I'll try to be better this week, I promise!!!

If I wrote good..

This is what I'd say about TV. Heather Havrilesky, you're my hero!

Marketing Spies

So being the advertising junkie that he is, Brian always takes phone surveys when companies call. He's been such a good source of information, that one of the national companies has sent us a prototype for a brand-new, top-secret food product to test and rate. I thought the product was a pretty cool new idea. Unfortunately for me though, it's top secret and I can't disclose what the new product is... which is so hard for me!!! So yeah, there's no point to this blogpost other than to tell you that I know something you don't know, and it pains me not to tell you....

Hoboblogger Updates

Two of you just got moved into the Hobogedy Blogs section of the sidebar. You know who you are... unless, of course, you are too much of a hoboblogger to read this blog.

Movie Review: Casanova

Alright, I'll admit it, it wasn't that bad. It helped that Heath Ledger was a hottie in it. It wasn't great, but it wasn't a bad way to spend an hour and a half either. It was funny in some parts, even clever in some places - mostly it was corny though. At least it didn't take itself seriously. Final grade: C.

Dude, that is jacked!

I guess I was right about the black guy winning on the Apprentice. Get this though: Trump asked Randall (the black guy) if he should give the runner up (the chick w/ the broken leg) a job too. And Randall said no! His rationale was that the show was called the Apprentice, meaning there's just one winner. Fine, he can be the "winner," but at least let the "loser" have a job! What's the harm in that? Am I a big, liberal, communist for thinking he should have been okay with it??

Oh, no freaking way.

I somehow stumbled upon this precious little shortcut guide to posting on blogger. I can't believe I've been manually typing in all that html code all this time.. Hope this helps all ya'll ignorant bloggers like me.

Can I use keyboard shortcuts while posting?
Blogger has several keyboard shortcuts for use while editing posts. They definitely work in Internet Explorer 5.5+/Windows and the Mozilla family (1.6+ and Firefox 0.9+), and might work in other browsers. Here they are:

control + b = Bold
control + i = Italic
control + l = Blockquote (when in HTML-mode only)
control + z = Undo
control + y = Redo
control + shift + a = Link
control + shift + p = Preview
control + d = Save as Draft
control + s = Publish Post

Rejection Hotline

Heh heh. Call this number: (702) 386-5397.

That's just morbid

According to the Death Psychic, this is how I'm going to die.

Movie Reviews: Syriana & The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

This weekend was SOOOO relaxing. On Saturday, after a long day of doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and watching tv, we went out and saw Syriana. I hadn't even heard of it, but Brian, Shannon, and Antoniette all really wanted to see it, so I went along.

Yeah, so it sucked. Don't bother. In an effort to be "cutting edge," the moviemakers disregarded everything they learned in film school. They went ahead and gave minor considerations like pacing, timing, and plot development a miss on this one. The dialogue was bad too. It did nothing to propel the story. For the most part, it seemed like a bunch of people talking w/ no particular story aim. I've seen reality shows edited with more purpose than this.

What bothered me the most was the film's big expose' feel, which it totally failed to deliver on. The "big reveal" was nothing special.. nothing inventive.. nothing we hadn't already heard before. The American government sells weapons that are later used against it. Poor kids become terrorists. Corporations are corrupt. The oil business is evil. Yeah yeah, tell me something I don't already know..

The only thing saving this movie from getting a straight-up F- from me is the acting. George-Clooney (who co-produced the film) must've called up all his best boys, cuz this movie had an all-star cast, and everyone did a really good job w/ his/her role. That wasn't enough to save the film from a crappy script and crappy directing job though.

Final grade: I went back and watched the trailer, just to see what all the fuss was about. The trailer gets a B+. The movie itself gets a D- though. I did not enjoy this film, and, if possible, I'd like my 2.5 hours back.

Sunday, we went and saw The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I enjoyed this movie a lot. It was a little violent for a kid's movie, but that's about the only bad thing I can say about it. I really loved the costumes and the actress who played the white witch. She could be Cate Blanchett's evil twin. Final grade: A-.

Have a seat while I take to the sky..

Ever have work problems so big, you don't even have the energy to re-hash them on your blog? That's today for me. Thank goodness I had the season finale of America's Next Top Model to drown my sorrows...

"Oh my, memorize three lines? The lights are too bright! I can't think! The pressure!!" .. Ah yes, my problems seem so trivial all of a sudden. Can I witness a pseudo-dance-off on the catwalk please? Excellent. I can feel the stress melting away now. More toothy grins.. more braless models.. and.... euphoria.

Let's talk about the winner for a sec. It was Nicole. I would have never guessed her. The overbite was always the dealbreaker for me. In the end, I can see how she was the most consistent in her photos though....

Any fellow reality-tv freaks out there want to make bets on who will win on The Apprentice this week? The girl w/ the broken leg is the underdog, and if watching reality tv has taught me anything, it's that America LOVES an underdog.. But there hasn't been a black Apprentice yet, so maybe the black guy's got a shot. I think I will put my money on the black guy.

Hilarious..

More Honeymoon Adventures

Here are the rest of the photos from our trip... if anyone is even still interested. I know, there are a lot. Anyway..

Day 5: Kona, Hawaii - We took a zodiac boatride along the coastline.. encountered some dolphins.. went snorkeling at a coral reef.. then got ass-raped at Hilo Hatties, "the store of Hawaii."


Day 6: Kahului, Maui - We have Walmart to thank for getting us to the aquarium. We took the Walmart shuttle to Walmart, then the public bus to the aquarium from there. Later that day, we had dinner at a traditional Luau. They made Brian dance, which was badass.


Day 7: Kahului, Maui - On our own in Maui.. We spent the morning shopping in Lahaina, a small historic toruist trap of a town.. Then found a nice quiet beach to play at.


Day 8: Honolulu, Oahu - We only had a few hours in Honolulu, so we went to Pearl Harbor. Then it was time to get back to reality. :-(

Honeymoon Adventures

I finally uploaded our Hawaii pics to the web. We left the morning after our wedding for Honolulu. Once there, we took a 7-night cruise to four different islands. We had an amazing time. Here are some highlights. (Click on the heading for each day to see all of our pics from that day.)

Day one: Honolulu, Oahu - Just got settled on the cruise ship.



Day two: Nawiliwili, Kauai - We went on a super-long hike to a hidden waterfall and got eaten alive by mosquitos.. It was a good time nonetheless.



Day three: Nawiliwili, Kauai - We went ziplining! It rocked..



Day four: Hilo, Hawaii - (And here's page two.) - We had separate daytrips. Brian really wanted to see flowing lava up close, so I told him to go ahead w/ out me. (The 7-mile hike to get to the flowing stuff was not really my bag..) Here's Brian w/ flowing lava though:



Days five through eight are still in the works...

Walmart Revisited..

A long time ago I went into Walmart and saw these little babies on the shelf....



A buck for ass wipes - now that really IS a bargain!

Movie Review: Walk the Line

Just got back from seeing the Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line. It was a'ight. Reese Witherspoon was lovely as June Carter. Joaquin Phoneix was less-convincing as Johnny Cash. I liked the movie overall though. The only things I didn't like were: 1) how it glamourized adultery, and 2) how it made Johnny Cash out to be some kind of hero, without justifying why. But the film kept me amused, probably mostly because of Reese. Final grade: B

Gifts of love...

We'll start w/ the second greatest thing ever. Brian's dad gave us this personalized gingerbread house.. awwwwweee..



And now, behold, the greatest thing EVER - a $130 trashcan, complete with hydraulic lid and inner liner can. Awe yeah....



And since Kat gave me so much crap about registering for it before, all I gotta say now is BOOYA!

The bachelorette party...

I can't tell you how afraid I was about this bachelorette party business. First, the rumor gets out that my best friend and sister are trying to hire a midget stripper clown.. then Allison tells me to wear something I "can get wet and torn." Holy crap.. what have these girls got in store for me??

As it turns out, it wasn't so scary. We started out the evening at our gracious hostess Kat's townhouse. Allison (my best friend), Kelly (her bride-to-be) and Diana (my sister) all did an amazing job decorating.

The night's menu included hot sausage, meatballs, bananas, daquiris and cosmos..

We started the night out by playing games- there was a sexual position word scramble that went by pretty quickly (freaks)...



Then we played pin the macho on the man..








And then pass the pecker, which is like hot potato, only the potato is a neon pink flourescent vibrator that's turned on. Ah ah ah Shawna, no hands, that's cheating!









We also played a game where the girls had to mold the best wee wee shape out of a banana w/ only their mouths. Shannon bit hers in half (ouch!), and Randi's didn't look that happy afterword, which left Vanessa victorious!




The prizes that night were awesome - pregnancy tests, douche, and condoms all around!!







After the games, we opened presents, I got cake smushed in my face (bitchez!!!), then we all went out..







That's when the fun really began. We started at The Beach nightclub. I guess one of the dares was for me to bite off a guy's shirt button w/ my teeth, which I did, even though it hurt!





Only thing is, we sort of lost track of the dares b/t dancing on the stage, running around whipping strangers with the riding crop, getting into catty catfights (not me for once!!) and drunk-dialing ex-boyfriends (not me for once!)..

Still, we pressed on to the titty bar. Thing is, the titty bar was supposed to have boys upstairs and girls downstairs. When we got there though, we found out the boys had the night off. Oh well.. guess we'll have to make do with the girls then...

The girls were very sweet. As soon as I sat down, I was getting a lapdance from two girls at once. I was so shy! I just wanted to get to know them. I remember one girl said she was from Ohio and had 4 kids and only came out once a month to make some extra cash. Between all this talking, they told me to touch them, so I graabbed one booby from each. One girl had real boobs and one girl had fake ones, and it was so obvious in that moment which was which. The fake ones felt cold and hard. The real ones were warm and snuggly. Any desire I had to get a boob-job was gone right at that moment..

Fast forward.. some of the girls started taking off.. more catfights.. some crying.. it all worked out in the end. I think for the most part everyone had a nice time. I know I did. :-) Thanks to all my girly-friends who helped make the night a success.

Here are all the pics I have from that night - page 1 and page 2.

For all my fellow Tivo fans..

This is SO going to be my next Halloween costume!

The bachelorette party and other wedding stuff

Wednesday, November 2nd

More running around for groomsmen gifts and lingerie. Also got a smog check and picked up friends at the airport. Ended the night at Kinko's cutting 111 place cards and backings. Went home to spray-mount and fold, spray mount and fold.. repeat 109 more times.

Thursday, November 3rd

We ordered our entire floral package from Costco.com. The flowers were supposed to come sometime on Thursday. Apparently they came at 9am while we were still sleeping, so the FedEx guy knocked softly and then left. I spent all morning on the phone trying to get him to come back. They said he'd be back "sometime before 4pm." That killed my entire day, which I had 1000 errands planned for. Nevertheless, I did not want the flowers to get left on the doorstep or wilt in the truck all day. So I stayed home and waited for the FedEx guy. In the meantime, I attached bells to ribbon wands...

Finally, the flowers came. I threw the GIANT CRATES in the car and raced to Brian's mom's house to put them in the extra fridge. When we started to unpack them, we realized that they had mistakenly put hot pink corsages in with our order. (Our colors were terracotta and peach.) Fudge. Oh well, no time to fret.. bachelor and bachelorette parties to attend...

A Wedding Story

I wanted to journal/chronicle all the craziness of my wedding week as it was happening, but didn't have a chance to before now. So now I'm going to backtrack and just try to salvage what I can remember of it. We'll start w/ Tuesday, 4 days before the big day...

Tuesday, Nov. 2nd -

After a long day of shopping and running errands, Brian and I stopped by the courthouse at about 9 p.m. to get our marriage license. Those interested in getting a marriage license in Las Vegas, go Tuesday night. There is no wait. Here's us happily displaying our ticket to ride..

Not smart guys..

One of the nice things about putting cameras out on the tables at weddings is getting back gems like these. Real nice guys. Don't worry, the last pic doesn't make you look gay at all... Any guesses on which hairy thighs belong to whom? You can click on the photo to make it MUCH MUCH BIGGER. :-) (Hint: it's worth the effort!) Thanks for the laughs Table 6. Don't worry Table 7, you're getting your own blogpost very soon.

Hooha Party

The girls at work are so funny. I came back today to an office full of red balloons, red mylar door fringe, black streamers, glitter confetti EVERYWHERE, and black and red shoe polish all over my windows and mirror. The banner across the middle of the room read: "Kiss it Goodbye," apparently referring to my "girlhood." The shoe polish on the windows read, "Hasta la vista," "You're a woman now - don't be ashamed," etc, etc. So yeah, they had a going away party for my girlhood. They also got me a cake, a Starbucks gift card, a PF Chang's gift certificate, and lunch at my favorite spot. Not bad! I had no idea losing your born-again-virginity merited a party w/ presents, but that's cool!!

Marital Bliss

We're back from our honeymoon.. Many many photos and many many tales to come.

Super-quick review of Le Reve

So yeah, last night we went and saw La Reve at the Wynn. I didn't like it. Brian's mom did. Basically, I thought it was a big rip-off of all the other strip shows out right now, and it made no inventive leap. It even had those two homoerotic guys that hold each other up in weird positions from Mystere!! So for the first time vegas-show-goer, I'm sure it's great. For me, it was lame.

I hated that it had no story, which is just a personal preference. Also there was too much going on all over the place to follow all of it. Apparently I missed the lesbian orgies portion of it! Damn those captivating trapeze people drawing my attention up to the sky!! Granted, the theme is "a collection of dreams," but I think that's sort of a big cop-out excuse for not having to think of a creative way to incorporate random acrobatics with gibbering french-men, kooky costumes and a cool set.

Nit-picky-wise, I also hated that people kept jumping into the water. It sorta made me wince inside each time someone jumped in - like damn, it's cold, why they gotta be jumping into the water fully clothed?? And man, they just put that new dry outfit on, now they're going to get it wet?? What a waste! So that was stupid, but it did bother me.

So yeah, bottom line - it was the formulaic romantic comedy of Vegas strip shows. All the elements were there for it to be good (expensive set, talented acrobats, cool costumes, silly gibbering comic relief), but it didn't manage to carve it's own niche. Money is better spent on Ka.

Real Quick -

No time to blog!! Wedding less than a week away!! Aggh! Here's a real quick weekend update:

Friday - went to the corn maze and it was fun, though not the best corn maze I've been to.

Saturday was the boys' Halloween party. Apparently recreational lesbianism and recreational boobie shots are out and recreational homosexuality and man-nipple shots are IN.. See pics here and more here.

Today we are cleaning, attaching bells to wedding favors, and going to see La Reve.

Psychophobia: The Conclusion

So the chick at work who sent me the crazy card and I finally had it out. She bawled for like an hour and we went back and forth about how the misunderstanding came about. FINALLY, she admitted that the reason she was so upset was because she was hurt that I didn't invite her to my bridal shower and wedding. Ah-haaaa.... it all makes sense now. At that point, I didn't feel bad for her. This guest list has given me more stress and drama than any other part of this wedding. People need to chill the fuck out - especially her.

Which Muppet Are You?

From Sweetcoalminer's blog.. I don't know how they got this one for me though.


You are Kermit the Frog.
You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you
have a habit of waving your arms about
maniacally.

FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and
"Sheesh!"
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"How Green Was My Mother"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the
Internet"

HOBBIES:
Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.

QUOTE:
"Hmm, my banjo is wet."


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Things I can and can't live without

Don't you hate it when stuff you love gets into the toilet and you have to make the decision whether it's worth going after? Once I swallowed one of my tooth crowns. They cost about $500 to have re-molded, plus the cost of having it put in. Once it had made its way through my digestive tract, I thought about whether I should "go in after it," but ultimately decided it wasn't worth $500 to put a crap-crown back in my mouth.

So last night, I was relaxing on the pot, doing my business while perusing the latest issue of Star Magazine, when my silver Tiffany's bracelet somehow got unclasped and fell into the toilet! OH CRAP! (literally!) So I had to make the choice - say goodbye or go in after it. I decided to go in after it. It's still soaking in its antibacterial soap bath now. I'll probably put it in the dishwasher next and then soak it overnight in jewelry cleaner after that...

Oh yeah, today's my birthday, which is kinda weird since I got that Tiffany's bracelet for my birthday two years ago. Happy Birthday to me from Tiffany's again, I guess.

Is there a word for being scared of crazies?

If so, I think I'm it. Psychophobe, maybe?

So there's this lady at work, we'll call her Cybil, who I've always thought had some issues but she was always been cool w/ me, so we never had any problems. Until yesterday..

I walk into my office and see a card on my chair. "Oh how nice, someone got me a card," I thought. I open it, and there's a rose on the cover and a poem, and I don't read it, I just go right into the card. It's typed. It starts out about what a good attorney I am, and I'm like "Awe, how nice." BUT THEN, it turned into this crazy "I thought we were friends but now I know we're not" nonsense, where Cybil explains that I must think she's terrible at her job, and how it was over b/t her and me and I should talk to her supervisor if I have a problem w/ her job performance. WUH??

The whole thing was so bizarre and out of left field. First, even if I had said she did a crappy job (which I didn't), why would she write me a freak card with a freak poem on the front (The poem was about a friend who ripped out her heart) instead of talking to me about it like a normal person? And why would the point of the card be to tell me we're not friends, have a nice life, bridge burned. From a simple common sense perspective, I am not just someone she has to work with every day, but also someone with supervisory authority over her. I sat on her job interview panel, for goodness' sake! BAD MOVE, LADY! USE YOUR NOGGIN'!

The other thing is that the remark Cybil got SO offended over was SO minor and had nothing to do w/ her job performance! For the last couple weeks, I've been helping her argue for a raise based on a technicality in our office's union contract. Not merit - a technicality. She's not a union member, so we were trying to figure out how to get her the same raise. Again, the raise is based on a technical clause in a union contract and not at all on performance.

Well, the boss was adament that he wasn't going to give her the raise b/c she's not union, but then ultimatley changed his mind about it. So the day she got it, I congratulated her and asked her how the meeting went and what she said to change the boss's mind.. So she told me all about it, and I made A JOKE about all this nice stuff she had said to the boss during a staff meeting on a different day. I said all that brown-nosing must have paid off. JOKE. At the time, she laughed it off, said it wasn't like that and she was sincere about what she'd said to him. And then we moved onto other informal chit-chat. She did not halt the converation and say she took offense. We just kept chatting. Then the next morning I got the card. Since giving me the card, she has not said anything about it and has just been acting like the card thing never happened, which I also think is weird.

::SIGH:: So now I'm trying to figure out how to be diplomatic about the situation, even though my instinct is to stay the hell away from her because she's crazy and I'm afraid of crazy people. Obviously, I'm sorry that she took such offense to something that was intended as a joke, but I also think she's being hypersensitive and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Additionally, I hate that she was so cowardly and wrote a freak note. I now truly have lost respect for her b/c of her total lack of social skills and common sense decision-making. I also can't shake the fact that she wrote a nasty card to her superior - why should I have to go kiss her butt after something like that? I should be sweating her for it!

I think by the end of today I'm going to tell her I'm sorry if my remark hurt her feelings, that wasn't my intent, and leave it at that.

Wedding Dress Update

Ok, so I guess "final fitting" doesn't really mean final. Not sure what she did to the dress up to now, but she certainly didn't have the alterations finished. Apparently, I'm supposed to pick up my dress THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. That sounds like a really bad idea to me, but the lady says that it's better to keep the dress there, where it won't get damaged and they can have it pressed and ready to go for the wedding, yada yada yada. And I guess what choice would do I have either way if the dress is horrible one week before the wedding vs one day before the wedding? I'm still going to have to wear it either way. You can't really get a wedding dress for a 6'5" girl off the rack. As for my fat issues, I guess working out isn't all it's cracked up to be cuz the dress fit fine. Don't get me wrong, I still think I look like crap in it, my point is just that it fit.

Final Fitting Today

Today at lunch I have an appointment to try on my wedding dress for the first time since all the extra alterations were done. This includes adding like 4-5 inches to the length of the dress. I am SO worried it's going to be a hideous Franken-dress. I'm also worried I won't fit into it anymore. I kinda sorta haven't worked out since she took my measurements 2 months ago. :-| Wish me luck.

Quit yer bitchin'!

I should SO be asleep right now! Anyway, before it gets too late, I have to post the bachelorette pics from the weekend before last. I'm sorry I've been such a slackerly blogger. It's just we only have 2.5 weeks left until the wedding. (AGGGHHH!!!)

So anyway, here are the latest bachelorette party pics. Like others bloggers have already said, the funniest parts of the night were when some dude wouldn't stop calling me "Big Vanilla," and also when we accidentally got some guy booted from the club for taking his pants off. (Oh, oops, I'm sorry.. our bad!)

Gone fishin'

I'm going to my friend Andrea's wedding in Worcester, MA (via Boston MA) this weekend. I'll be back Monday w/ last week's bachelorette party pics and so much more. Hope ya'll have a good weekend.

Saturday Day: Bridal Shower

Last week, the BFMILITWW (best future-mother-in-law in the whole world) threw me a bridal shower. We're taking a Hawaiian cruise for the honeymoon, so the theme was Hawaiian. Everything turned out really nice, and I had a really great time. The food was awesome (yummy PF Chang's), and so was the cake, which was shaped like a hula-Barbie. So cute! And all my sexy biotches came out for it, including Shawna, who came all the way from Santa Cruz. That was REALLY REALLY cool. Check out photos of the festivities here.

Friday Night: Dildo Party

Before a new weekend starts, I HAVE TO blog about the last one. Friday night, my wonderful friends Randi, Vanessa and Kat hooked up a "fun party" (aka "dildo party") in my honor. Sadly, no cameras were available to capture the memories (a friend from work had borrowed my digital camera that day to take pictures of a "dying" relative - I missed the photo-op of all photo-ops and the guy didn't even end up dying!), but like Randi says, that's probably for the best..

So anyway, it was a really good time. I had no idea what was out there. Me. The loudmouth. The crass one. So confused. So embarrassed.

My favorite part was when the peanut gallery started asking questions. For example:

Kat: Does that stuff stick in your hair?

Randi: So if it makes his penis numb, and it's flavored, won't it make your lips and mouth numb too? (this was followed by the nastiest demonstrative response imaginable from the double-sided-dildo-loving, middle-aged sales lady.)

Hilary: Can I take the Vazoplex in the bathroom for a sec?
Dildo dealer: NO!!
Hilary: Why not?
Everyone else: Yeah, why not?

I also liked a lot of the helpful advice I got, such as: "It's not as cool as it looks - those ball bearings don't really do anything." ... "If you're getting anal love beads, I would recommend getting them in brown." ... "Oh yeah, you don't want the anal beads with the white vinyl rope, for obvious reasons."

Nice.

And, of course, I loved everything the girls got me. Is it TMI to share what I got? Some stuff is still on backorder, but here's what I know I got:

Nipplicious (nipple-tingling stuff) in Chocolate
Boy Butter (lube)
Flavored Body Paints
Up and Coming Sampler (Boy-stimulating flavored lube)
Soy candle w/ wax that doubles as massage oil in "Nob Chomper," I mean "Nog Champa" scent
Love Potion Number 9 (Girl-stimulating stuff)
A Vibrating Cock Ring &
Heart-shaped Bubble Bath flakes

Thanks girlies. Can't wait for the honeymoon - or the next dildo party!

To Chicken-Dance or Not to Chicken-Dance?

I just read a link off of Kat's blog about how to get people dancing at a wedding. The article raised a few good points about the benefits of doing the "chicken-dance" at a wedding reception. I always told myself I would never play this kind of garbage at my own reception, but now I'm wondering if the occasion would be incomplete w/ out it. Who thinks a wedding is not complete w/ out a chicken-dance? What about a YMCA? What other songs are must-haves on our reception playlist?

My Favorite Part of the American Idol Release Form..

"I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation."

Yeah, so, anyway.. sorry to disappoint, but I didn't end up going to the auditions. Turns out they were handing out wristbands on Saturday and Sunday (which I didn't find out until Sunday at 10pm), so I don't think I would have gotten a place in line on Monday, had I actually gone in at 6am. Either way, at about 4am this morning, while deliriously hitting snooze on my alarm clock on my day off, I decided it wasn't worth the trouble. Maybe next year. I should still qualify as a 28 year-old when audition-time comes around again. Thanks anyway for the moral support!

Is "She Bangs" played out??

For the record, I have a terrible voice. The only things I can sing somewhat decently are Tori Amos songs, and that's only because I've heard them so much that I can mimic her singing. SO, my whole purpose for going down and trying out for American Idol is to get on the audition rejects episode. So there you go.

Now, what song should I do that will GUARANTEE me getting on TV, but will still be subtle, so that the producers will think I seriously think I can sing?

American Idol 2006

So... auditions for American Idol are this coming Monday, right here in Las Vegas!! I was SO excited to hear that they were on a Monday, since I have that day off.

I am, after-all, undoubtedly the "triple-threat," w/ "the x-factor" that they're looking for. Then I remembered I have a dentist's appointment that day at 2:45!! M%%$&r F^*^$n Sh%^&!

Auditions start at 8am.. lines start forming at 6am. Should I go, even though I can't stay the whole time?? Also, my friend the Housekeeper will be in town that day and wants to hang out. Wanna try out for American Idol w/ me Hkpr???