It'll hurt if I swallow!

It was an all-around day of learning yesterday. We started the day by going to our CERT class and learning some first aid. That was pretty fun. Here are some photos, courtesy of Shannon.

Here's Brian lamenting my death.

Here's me being positioned so I don't swallow my tongue or choke on my own vomit.

Here's me bandaging up Brian's wound.

And here's me stopping Brian's bleeding by elevating his wound and pushing on his brachial artery.

Later, we went to see Sicko, the new Michael Moore movie. I didn't need to see this movie to know that healthcare in this country sucks. I have my own healthcare system horror stories. The movie was still fun though. We're discussing our relocation to France now. Of course, with all this new CERT training, maybe we'll just be able to take care of ourselves. (Yeah right.)

Oh my gawd, that was AWESOME!!!

We got to see a sneak preview of Transformers last night. Brian described it best when he said it was like eating frosting right out of the container. On the one hand, the story was retarded & full of plot holes, the dialogue super-cheesy, the characters flat stereotypes and the jokes lame. On the other hand, the transformers were AWESOME!!!!

During one of the first scenes where a Transformer transforms (Barricade is jumping through the air as a robot and then lands as a badass police car), you could actually hear the simultaneous gasp of every guy in the theater getting a stiffy. The gasps and applause continued throughout the movie, every time they showed a new transformer transform (ESPECIALLY when they revealed Optimus Prime) and everytime the robots fought.

In the end, I was left with one thought: "Oh my gawd, that was AWESOME!!!" So even though it isn't going to be winning any Oscars this year, it was still super bad-ass and super exhilarating. I will most likely see it again in the theater. Oh, and the super-hot chick lead, Megan Fox, was, in fact, really really hot. So yeah, just in case you needed another reason to go see it.

Fight fire with fire

As most of you probably know, I was peer-pressured into doing this Community Emergency Response Team class a few weeks ago. Basically, I have to go to class from 9am-12pm every Saturday morning for 5 weeks in order to get certified in how to survive and/or help others in an earthquake/fire/flood/disaster/other emergency.

I know what you're thinking. I hate 1) getting up early, 2) most other people, and 3) most physical activities, so what makes me think I would like any part of this? Honestly, I wondered the same thing.

But it's actually been pretty interesting so far. Yes, the instructors are melodramatic and somewhat... unsophisticated, BUT last week we did get to practice putting out a fire with this psuedo-bbq-firemaker-thing. That was kinda cool, I GUESS. And I guess we're learning some useful things about owning a home and what-not. So so far, it doesn't suck too bad.

Here's my goofy ass putting out a fire last week.

Get out of my dreams, Paris Hilton!

I've been having a lot of dreams about Paris Hilton lately. The other night, I dreamt that I was at a party, and I didn't really know anyone there, but then I saw Paris and I was kind of relieved, but still too shy to approach her. So then she saw me and was all intrigued by my height, so she came over and said hello. She was surprisingly tall with heels on - almost as tall as me without heels on. I was like, "Hey, why are you trying to be taller than me?" And she was like, "Because it's cool." She tried to stand on her tippy-toes to try and be taller than me, but it didn't work. Came close though. So then I wanted to ask her for a picture with her, but I thought it would kill our rapport if I asked, so I didn't. Later, someone else wanted a picture of us together, so I got one taken anyway. We were all girly and hugging on each other. Paris was my new tall, pretty, best-friend-of-the-week. I woke up feeling that way too.

The next night, I had another Paris dream. I dreamt I was at work in court and she got brought in to have her DUI trial. It was a big surprise to everyone, kinda like the whole her getting-out-of-jail-and-then-back-in thing. So anyway, I said hi when I saw her in my court. We chatted (since I knew her from the party the night before). Then I looked at my papers and realized that I was prosecuting her DUI trial. I told her I was preemptively sorry for being the one to put her in jail if she lost. She said it was okay, and kind of laughed it off. Like if she had to have someone prosecute her, it might as well be me. I woke up before the trial went forward, so I'm not sure how it ended.

Still... why so many dreams about Paris? Am I reading too much US Weekly? Feeling subconscious regret for wanting to see her ass locked back up? Do I want friends who are taller and blonder? What could it be?

Even more evidence that Brian and I are bound by fate...

If you're best friends with either Brian or myself, fate has determined that you must currently have an external fixator drilled into your leg.

Brian's best friend David, who broke his leg on Memorial Day weekend:


Claudia's best friend Allison, who had surgery to correct a leg problem just after MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!:

Coincidence or phenomenon? Decide for yourself.
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Good samaritans with digital cameras rule!

Here are the photos of us w/ the Dresden Dolls that some nice guy took with his camera and emailed us. The second one isn't a good one of me, but I included it anyway, just for the height comparison.

Brilliant!!

Thank you to Nick for passing along this new Gunther video. It is pure internet gold. Make sure to stay for the hottub striptease! (Probably not a good idea for work.)

Kindred Spirits

How cool is it that Kelly from the "Shoes" video is in the new Dresden Dolls video?

OMG, that was SO gay.

We went to the True Colors Tour last night. For all you link-o-phobics, that's the tour in support of homo, lesbo, and trannie equality. Those gays really know how to put on a show, lemme tell ya. Even Brian, who had no interest in any of the acts, had a good time. Here's how it went down...

My primary reason for going was because I love love love the song Good Day by the Dresden Dolls. They mostly do East Coast shows, so this was one of the only opportunities I'd have to see them. All I wanted was to hear that one song. I paid $250 for two seats on the floor, to see that one song.

I didn't get to hear or see that one song. Although the web site suggested they'd be the second or third opening act, they were actually the first. The show started at 8pm. We got there at 8:15pm. They were well into their third song. They only played two more songs while we were there, and while the songs were spectacular (Coin-Operated Boy & Girl Anachronism), they were not Good Day.

"Why is my life such a Greek tragedy?," I wondered. I had to find out for-sure whether either of the first two songs were my song. I asked a couple of people, but no one could tell me for sure. Then the Dresden Dolls announced they'd be meeting fans by the merchandise table.

HO-LY CRAP. I forgot my digital camera. WHY THE F@CK IS MY LIFE SUCH A GREEK TRAGEDY???

So we ended up meeting the band. Amanda Palmer was really nice, though I think she may have been under the influence of something cuz she asked me what city we were in. Whatever. She was nice. The guy, Brian Viglione was a bit cooler. Cooler like stand-offish, not cooler like badass. But they were nice enough to sign our tickets and a tank top I got and take pictures with us, so as far as I'm concerned he was nice too. Plus, he confirmed that they at no time performed Good Day that night. OH THANK GOODNESS! (I don't think he understood why I was so happy.) I asked some guy there to take our picture and email it to me. He said he'd send it next Wednesday. (fingers-crossed)

So even though I didn't get to hear my song, I did get to meet the artists, which was really cool. Oh, I forgot to mention that Amanda really does have crazy squiggly lines tattooed as eyebrows. And she grows her armpit hair super-long like a man. So that was pretty interesting to see up close. We had to miss the Indigo Girls to meet the band, but that's okay.

The rest of the show went like this...

Deborah Harry was surreal. (She'll be 62 next month). It felt like we were watching Florence Henderson rock out. Except each time she would move a little like she was getting into the music, she would stop like her hip was hurting or like her vertigo was setting in. It did not help her rock n' roll image that she had a Florence Henderson haircut and performed in capri pants and a white, collared, button-up shirt. Poor thing just seemed confused. She was the only one that didn't come back out at the end of it all for the big finale. We figured she fell asleep backstage or something. Poor thing.

Margaret Cho was hilarious. Rosie O'Donnell was hilarious.

Erasure was the super-ultra-gayest band ever. And by that, I mean they were super-ultra-fabulous. I had no idea they were the official gay-anthem band. (Famous gay anthoms include Take a Chance on Me, Respect, and Oh L'amour.) They definitely brought out the go-go boy in all of us.

Cyndi Lauper (she'll be 54 this month) was really cool. She was the opposite of Debbie Harry. Still highly energetic and bubbly, still modern and fun. Of course the place went crazy when she did Girls Just Want to Have Fun (w/ Rosie O'Donnell on the drums). And I totally called the weepy closing number with all the bands on-stage holding hands and singing True Colors. It was nice anyway.

Even though I didn't get to hear my one song, I definitely feel like I got my money's worth. Go to the HRC website to read about what that group's doing try and make the world less hateful toward the gays.

Dental Hell

My last appointment was by far the worst dental experience I've ever had. I cannot put into words how excruciating the pain was. It was worse than getting a dental implant drilled into my jawbone. Worse than getting my wisdom teeth out. Worse than having two root canals done in Mexico. Worse than heart surgery (and they shut my body down and sawed me open to do that sh*t!).

Long story short, a year after my root canal (American this time), my dentist figured out that my endodontist accidentally left a nerve in there, and that's why it never, ever stopped hurting. It started to hurt A LOT more recently because it got infected. The infection caused the novacaine they attempted to inject me with last week to have no effect. Something about the acidity and the pH being off. So, basically, I HAD A ROOT CANAL PERFORMED WITH NO ANASTHESIA!!!

No wonder it hurt so f%@$in' bad! See? I knew I wasn't just a whiny baby! Bastards...

I thought they stopped in the middle of the procedure last week because I was sobbing, shaking, and jerking so violently. I hyperventilated too (for the first time ever).

So today, I thought I was going back for more. You can imagine my joy when they told me they had gotten it all last time and that all I was there for today was an X-ray. Oh thank you Lord Baby Jesus!

They said it looked good for now, but I have to go back in two weeks to see if the pain stays gone. Fingers crossed...

I'm home

We're back! Yay! I'll blog pictures later when I have more time.

Leaving on a jet plane

I cannot wait for Friday night. We're taking a red-eye to New York City to see my BFF Allison, then we're taking a train down to New Haven, Connecticut for Brian's sister Erin's graduation. We'll be back late in the evening Tuesday. See ya after the long weekend!!

Working with women sucks ass

Is it really only Tuesday? Man, today was such a long, aggravating day. Some women I work with apparently decided that I didn't need my parking spot anymore, so they helped themselves to it, then got mad at me when I said something about it. I feel like that guy from Monty Python - I'm not quite dead yet! It turned into a big to-do, where everyone claimed they didn't care but stomped around the office all day real pissy-like. Whatever. I care. Ain't no shame. Go help yourself to someone else's parking spot. Crazy, audacious females.

Tall Crush

I saw a hot blonde chick as tall as me at the tall lady store today. I heard her say something about buying a jacket for court. After she left, the sales lady told me she was a lawyer too, and a criminal prosecutor even!! No way! I super-regretted not saying anything to her when I saw her. I just didn't want to harass the tall girl, you know? But just think... we could have had such a beautiful friendship. Oh well. It's a small town. I'm sure we'll run into each other again.

Turn it down!

I had my first real "I'm too old for this crap" moment last night. We went to this concert at the Joint. The lineup was The Bravery, They Might Be Giants, Plain White T's, Shiny Toy Guns, and the Silversun Pickups. We went for They Might be Giants and had no idea who these other bands were. Apparently, they're what's hot right now w/ all the Emo kids.

So there we were -- geeky 30-year-olds in a sea of Emo teenagers. We asked the hot girls in front of us how old they were and they told us 17 -- high school juniors. They came to see the Shiny Toy Guns for the second time. One of them had never heard of They Might Be Giants. God, that made me feel old.

I felt even older when I had to go to the back of the room because the loud music hurt my ears. (My head is still aching from the pain.) Standing there for three hours before TMBG came out also killed my back and my feet. I couldn't believe I had paid good money to be tortured that way. After TMBG's let-down 8-song performance, we were out of there. We missed the headliners, The Bravery, but didn't care. Who the hell are they anyway? It was a 1-hour traffic crunch out of the parking garage after the show. All in all, not worth it for an old fogie like me.

I've got a couple more concerts to go to this summer -- the True Colors Tour (Cyndi Lauper, Debbie Harry, Erasure, Dresden Dolls) in June, the Violent Femmes in July, and Kelly Clarkson in September. I'll be bringing my ear plugs for-sure.

Knocked Up...

...was really fu@*ing funny. So much like the 40-year-old Virgin in its comedy, and so so so funny. You should definitely check it out this weekend.

Defeated

I am so incredibly exhausted. This weekend was crazy.

Friday night a big group of us went out for Alexis' 30th birthday. We started at the Hofbrauhaus then went over to the Beatles bar, Revolution, at the Mirage. $1300$1700 later (spent on tableside bottleservice), there was almost a fist-fight in our group, one of our friends disappeared until 8:30 the next morning, and our 400 lb. friend Brad was absolutely wasted. The only one half-sober enough to manage the situation was Shannon, who weighs about a quarter of what Brad weighs. Kudos to Shannon for somehow getting him into her car.
Saturday, I had promised my three nephews I'd take them to this kid's festival thing, so I dragged my ass out of bed after four hours of sleep to go see Spongebob and Spiderman in person. It was grotesquely hot and the boys were wild. On the bright side, this is the best birth control EVER.

I got to collapse for about an hour before going back out Saturday night for some more birthday festivities. This time it was a "surprise" birthday dinner followed by karaoke for my friend the Housekeeper. More drinking into the wee hours of the night. No fights or missing persons this time, but I did do a horrific rendition of Sublime's Santeria, for which I should be severely punished. God awful. Here's me and the Housekeeper doing our terrible duet, censored with a picture of my cat. Inside joke.

Sunday was Mother's Day. We started out nice and early (after 5 hours sleep) with a nice brunch at Roy's, followed by a visit to the Titanic exhibit with Brian's mom and two of my nephews. The baby was one of them that we took, which made for a super-exhausting time at the museum.

Later we met up w/ the Housekeeper, who shared her sweet hook-ups with us so that we could all go see Spamalot. I liked it a lot. Thought it was really cute. Brian, a Monty Python purist, had some OCD issues with it not being just like the movie. ((shrug)) I don't know. I've never been a huge fan of the movie, but I love musicals, and thought this one was really cool. Sidenote: I guess Alice Cooper was sitting behind us, but I didn't notice.

Today I think I got my punishment for that horrible karaoke song. I had two dentist appointments - one for my latest stubborn bastard of a tooth problem, and the other for a follow-up on my tooth implant. Both were devastatingly traumatic. I think I have an official fear of dentists, starting today.

We were supposed to have a make-up Mother's Day dinner tonight with Brian's stepmom, but I just can't do anymore. I'm going to go veg out in front of the TV for the rest of the night. I just can't take anymore fun.

Allison and the Angry Inch

So a few weeks ago, my totally normal-seeming best friend revealed to me that in fact she is, and has always been, a mutant. Apparently, one of her legs is longer than the other, to the point where she is having back problems and is now going to have freak-altering, I mean, leg-lengthening surgery. She's started a blog to chronicle her attempts at normalcy. Visit it often to see if it works. Click here to get freaky-deeky with Allison.

Bad job = bad teeth

I forgot to explain the connection between my job and my teeth. According to my dentist, the reason why my tooth is fractured way down in the canal is because I clench my teeth at night. This all makes perfect sense. The worse work was the day before, the worse my tooth and head ache the next morning. In other words, I am losing my teeth because of stress. Yes, I have made an appointment to get a night guard.

Horrible Day

Ooh, yeah, that's the stuff baby. That's what I need. Help me know I made the right choice. :-)

Beautiful Day

I got to do real justice today for very wonderful people, who were actually grateful for my help. It was a welcome change. I really can't be having any more days like this or else I'll be sad that I'm going in a few weeks.

Oh yeah, in case I haven't mentioned it, I put in for a transfer into the civil division at work. They offered me the job, so I get to move once my boss finds my replacement.

It wasn't any one thing that motivated me to go for it; it was more like a little bit of everything. Mostly that I'm at the five-year mark of my career, so I feel like I should be learning more skillz.

I'm sad to retire my prosecutrix title, but I'm happy for the change of pace. I'm actually looking forward to boring paper-pushing for a while. This high-drama criminal stuff can really wear you down.

Another wonderful thing happened today, by the way. Tori Amos' new album American Doll Posse came out today. I got the iTunes version (for the 2 bonus videos & tour pre-sale code) already, and I'm going out for the hard copy tomorrow. Borders has a bonus track exclusive, so I think I'll get it there.

That's all.

More of my dental curse

Got some bad news from the endodontist today. I guess that tooth that I spent $1100 getting a root canal on is cracked now, so they're going to have to just pull it out now anyway. That means another who-knows-how-much to get it pulled and another $2200 for ANOTHER horrifyingly painful implant procedure. Motherfu#@er.

It seems my baby Moka has inherited my dental curse as well. He and Enid had their teeth cleaned today. Moka needed 2 extractions. Total cost for anesthesia, cleanings, extractions, and medication = $608. Fu$%ing Go# Da@% Motherfu#@er.

For realz, somebody call CPS!

Got this from my friend Rebecca. It was so horrifying, I just had to share it.

i got cash

I feel like I should say something.

Sorry about all the awkward silence. Just busy I guess. Let's see, fun-wise, we saw Grindhouse on Friday night. I really enjoyed it. Go see it.

Saturday we went hiking at Redrock w/ my friends Jeanny & Josh who were in town. Saturday night we went to some fancy-schmancy trendy restaurant in the Hard Rock called Simon's. It was way overpriced and not worth it. Although if you're looking for a giant ball of cotton candy for dessert, that would be your place. Came home and watched Children of Men. I hated it, even though it had my favorite actor Clive Owen in it.

Sunday I slept in instead of doing the AIDS walk with my friends and husband. What? Someone had to play the part of the sponsor. Then we went over to Kev-dawg's house and bbq'd and played games. All in all a nice weekend.

I got tickets for next week to see Dita Von Teese doing her burlesque act at one of the shows here in town. I can't wait. Check her out if you don't know who she is or what she's about.

That's all I got.

Domin-Ho's: The Conclusion

I got a message from "Jack" on my answering machine today, "a supervisor in Las Vegas."

Apparently, he got my email about the CRP and Parmesan.

He let me know that: "it's been well over a year since [they've] carried them. They are looking at bringing them back, but, uh, as of now, no stores in Vegas do carry them. Uh, [he] will pass this on though. And, uh, hopefully we can get them back soon. Thank you."

That's word for word. It's hard to convey the contemptuous tone of his voice through text though. Thanks a lot for giving me absolutely no useful information. F*&@ing useless drone.

Viva la resistance!!

I'm a mess

CRAP! I can't find my car keys! I hesitate to say I lost them, because I'm sure they're just hiding out temporarily somewhere in my house. This is such a mess. Now I have to tow the car to the dealer, pay for a new key and for the car to be re-programmed, yada yada yada.

I also came to work without cash today, so I had to ask someone to get my lunch while they were out, and pay for it. Nice.

Now I'm trying to bum a ride home so I don't have to make my sweet, patient husband come all the way across town just to return to the other side to get home. I am such a loser.

It's only Tuesday and this week already sucks. Where's my "I'm a mess" t-shirt when I need it?

GIMME THAT CHEETO!!

Oh, blessed day! Today was Easter (also known as the day I got to eat Cheetos again). I gave up fried food for lent, so now, after 40 days of suffering, I finally got to stuff my face with yummy, crispy, greasy, goodness. I had Flamin' Hot Lime Cheetos for breakfast, followed by fried zucchini and onion rings. My stomach has seen better days, but I don't care, cuz it was divine. Stupid Costco was closed today or else I would have had a churro first thing. Oh well. Tomorrow will be my french fries and churro day. YUM!

Here's the awesome Easter basket Brian made for me:

Brian also observed lent this year, even though he's not really Catholic. I think he does it for the anticipation/satisfaction. Anyway, he gave up action figures, so he's been tearing open toys all day. Too bad Toys 'R Us was closed, or else he would have gone out and gotten more. Here he is with crazy eyes loving on the basket I made for him:

Domino's Response

Hmmm... I wonder if our movement actually garnered some attention. First, I got a hit on my blogpost from this web address: "gateway4.dominos.com (65.119.145.130)," indicating that Big Brother may, in fact, be watching. Then I got the following email. Bravo fellow freedom fighters, either way!


Dominos Case #: ******

Dear Mrs. *********,

Thank you for taking the time to contact the Domino's Pizza Customer Care Team.

I appreciate your comments and would like to apologize for this situation. I would also like to forward your concern to the Operations Director for your local store in order to have this matter taken care of, however, I need some additional information from you.

Could you please reply to this email at customercare@dominoscustomercare.com with the store's address and/or phone number, including the area code? Please make sure the customer case number listed in this email is in the subject line of your reply so we can promptly expedite your concern.

Thank you in advance for your response.

Sincerely,


Kate
Domino's Pizza Customer Care T.E.A.M.

Excuse me, could you tell me what planet I'm on?

You all know I hate to get all political n' shi*, but I just learned a very troubling bit of information that cannot go unaddressed. APPARENTLY, Domino's Pizza no longer carries crushed red pepper or parmesan cheese. No seriously.

They said they haven't carried them for over a year. Are they freaking kidding me? That's like McDonald's deciding they're just going to go ahead and not carry ketchup for their fries. Or Taco Bell deciding to give hot sauce a miss this year. I'm just going to come out and say it: that's totally freakin' lame.

This injustice calls for a major organized response. Much like in college, when the stoners rose from their hazy dorm rooms in protest of the generic Lucky Charms being served in the dining commons, I'm asking the parmesan and crushed red pepper lovers out there to rise up in protest of this atrocity. If the stoners can get real Lucky Charms back into the DC, we can get our condiments back into the Domino's Pizzas of America. Just think. If this ridiculous cost-cutting measure isn't quelled now, it could spread and inspire other tasty, low-cost pizza chains to do the same. We can't let that happen. "Rise up in the cafeterias and stab them with your plastic forks!!"*

Here is a link to the Domino's Pizza online complaint form. If you are as outraged as I am, please take a moment to make your voice heard. Here is a sample letter you can cut and paste into the form:

Dear Sir/Madame: I just learned that you no longer carry parmesan cheese or crushed red pepper in your store for your pizzas. That's like McDonald's not carrying ketchup for their fries or Taco Bell not carrying hot sauce for their tacos. Or like an airline choosing not to pass out peanuts. It may save your company money, but that money is saved at the expense of your red-pepper and parmesan-loving customers. I personally cannot eat pizza without crushed red peppers on it. Until they are returned to your stores, I will take my business elsewhere. Thank you for taking the time to read my complaint.

Remember the words of Cesar Chavez: Si se puede!!

* From Pump Up the Volume, circa 1990.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Behold! It's the dance-off to end all dance-offs: Shakira vs. Beyonce. It's toward the end of the video, but it's well worth the wait!

Reverend Cladeedah

So my friend Rex is getting married and he asked me to officiate. Which is totally random, considering: 1) I'm not very articulate; 2) I'm not a minister; and 3) we used to make out.

He said it was because I was "officious." I thought that was a compliment, until I looked it up and found out what it really means. I guess I am "officious," but that doesn't seem like a good reason to ask someone to officiate a marriage.

At first I said no. I'm far too shy. But after thinking about it a while, I realized this may be one of those once-in-a-lifetime-type of opportunities that I probably shouldn't pass up. So, for now, I'm doing it.

He said I can't talk about religion or about undying love. Hmmm... makes the marriage ceremony material pretty scarce then, I'd say. Any ideas? Movie monologues?? Anything???

Guess who's back. Back again.

I'm back. Reno was cool. Nothing too exciting to report. Just checking in.

I am so out of here!

I'm going to Reno Thursday night. Be back Monday. Here's another Robot Chicken sketch to hold you over until then.

Apocalypse Pony

This was on Robot Chicken a while ago. It still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

I am out of control...

Ok, so my new purse Tallulah already let me down. While we were driving around with Brad and Vanessa yesterday, one of her Dooney & Bourke faceplates came off. Considering how much I paid for the purse, and all this talk about how she was supposed to "last me a lifetime," I was MEGA-PISSED. Vanessa only added fuel to the fire by flaunting her new Coach baby (Demi), meanwhile ridiculing poor Tallulah for her malfunction.

So I went back to the store where I bought her. I took back Tallulah and her matching wallet of a little sister and said goodbye to the Dooney & Bourke label along with them.

For just a teensy weensy bit more, I bought this Coach Andrea Satchel. I thought the name she came with was boring, so I renamed her "Shakira, the Queen Bee."


She's freaking spectacular. You would throw up if I told you how much she cost. I don't think about it, cuz it kinda makes me a little nauseous too. THE POINT IS, this one WILL last me a lifetime gosh darnit!!!

I wish that the retarded could all be resmarted.

Sorry I've been so distant lately. I really don't have a whole lot to report.

I got my first grown-up purse on Saturday. She's beautiful and I named her Tallulah. Here she is:

I love her. Brian makes fun of me when he catches me gazing lovingly at her. He also gives me crap for spending so much money on her and her matching wallet of a little sister. It's really random that I got her. I just saw a friend with a really gorgeous designer bag and got all jealous and had to have one for myself. Weird.

What else? We saw the movie 300 the other night. I liked it for the same reasons I liked Sin City. You won't like it if you can't tolerate melodrama. But the visual effects were good, so overall I was pretty satisfied.

What else? Oh! I'm going to Reno next weekend to see my college girlie friends. I can't wait!!!

What else? Oh! I'm going to see the Dresden Dolls in concert in June. That is great great news because they are one of my favorite bands right now. They're coming with Cyndi Lauper and Erasure and a whole bunch of other bands for this big gayfest tour.

That's about it. I've pretty much been working 12-hour days this week, so I haven't had much time for anything too exciting to happen. Better luck next week.

Ok, Ok. Just one more.

I'm sorry, I'm just so obsessed. In this episode, Sarah seduces God. This is the morning after.

Hot for Sarah

Ok, no seriously. If you haven't watched it, watch it now.

Trunk Monkey

Someone sent me a video at my work email address with the subject line: "FW: Trunk Monkey." I quickly deleted it without opening it. Later, the sender asked me if I opened the "trunk monkey" video yet. I got all shocked and appalled and sweated the person for using racist slurs. I guess it turns out though that it's not a racist slur. It's just a video of a chimpanzee in the backseat of a car. Oh. My bad.

I know...

I know you're all super-excited that Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model starts tonight. It's okay. Your secret is safe with me. I like this chick Natasha's head shot the best, so she's my early early pick to win.

I could not be cool, even if my life depended on it

First, the backstory:

About 9.5 years ago, I dated this guy, "Bad Jason." It was one of the most overwhelming crushes I ever had. The kind that made me daydream so hard, I'd run stop signs without even realizing it. I was totally gaga. It didn't help that he made out with me repeatedly, even though he wasn't really all that into me. He was very hot and cold -- mean to me sometimes, and absolutely flattering at others. Precisely the right formula for keeping me obsessed.

Things didn't really end in a definitive way with us. I went back to college and we lost touch. It took me several years to get closure on the situation. To finally realize that it wasn't at all the intensity of his feelings that was scaring him away. He was simply a typical 20-year-old male. Too cowardly to be direct, and too selfish to give up the action. When he was older, he told me these things, and I respected him for it. And I finally got my closure.

Fast forward to last Friday night:

I'm having Boba Tea in China Town with my husband, nephew and a friend, when, all of a sudden, Bad Jason comes over and says hello. Ho-ly crap.

I thought I did a pretty good job of playing it cool, actually. We chatted. We joked. We met each other's dates/husbands. We even gave them our table, since we were just about ready to leave anyway.

As I'm driving home, I'm really impressed with myself. I even made it almost all the way home without violating any traffic laws. But then, a horrifying realization: I forgot to pay the $45 tab back at the tea shop. Ho-ly crap.

I called the shop and begged them to let me pay over the phone with a credit card. They refused. We had to go back. The whole drive back, I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation without letting on to Bad Jason and his crew. My entire goal here was to show how gaga I'm NOT anymore.

I walked in and it was immediately clear that they knew. Of course they knew. We chatted them up before giving them our table, you think the people that work there aren't going to hold them responsible for our tab? I was so embarassed. I pretty much paid the tab and ran away. SO not smooth.

Oscar Smackdown, The Results Show

C'mon, Helen Mirren wasn't THAT good. And Happy Feet? Over Cars??? Donovan would go ape-sh*t if he found out. At least they got the awards for Best Picture and Best Director right. I still think No Time for Nuts was robbed. Anyway, here are the winners of my Oscar challenge:

1st Place: Cladeedah +12
2nd Place: My Nephew +10 (Takes after his auntie)
3rd Place: Nick, Cherie, and Sugafree tied at +8 (Wow guys, how does it feel to lose to a 12-year-old?)
4th Place: Housekeeper +7 (And to think, this whole thing was your idea.)
5th Place: Brian +0 (But he gets an honorable mention for being the cutest, funniest, and the most clever.)

Looks like I get to keep the special, amazing, dazzling prize for myself this year. Which is probably a good thing, since I hadn't quite yet decided what it was going to be. Probably my duplicate copy of Stuff on My Cat that I got for Christmas. Oh well, better luck next year suckas!!!!

UH-OH UH-OH Here Comes the Oscar

I'm filling out my balllot now. I'll post it in a little bit as a comment. POST YOUR BALLOT PICKS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION NOW SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW MUCH BETTER THAN YOU I AM AT PICKING GOOD MOVIES!!!!!

Here's the printable ballot.

I love love love Sarah Silverman

The Sarah Silverman Program is my new favorite TV show. You should all watch it. Here's a sample:

This is what you get when you mess with Moka

Moka was flipping out this morning because the evil outside-kitty that looks just like him was on our balcony scratching on our sliding glass window. (This is the same little pooper that pissed on Brian's tire the other day.) Moka REALLY wanted to kill him, but couldn't get past the sliding glass door.

So I noticed Moka was upset, so I go outside to shoo this other cat away, and the cocky little shit just sits there and looks back at me, like, "Yeah? So? What do you think you're gonna do lady?" Then he turns back and growls and hisses at Moka.

So I went back into the house and filled up a tall glass with cold water. I must've given that cat a good 4 chances to run away, but the stubborn little turd just sat there, challenging me and Moka.

So I dumped the whole glass of water right on top of him. He looked stunned for a second, then ran off. That'll learn him to mess with my baby again. Nobody puts Moka in the corner.

Fat-Ass Tuesday

Lent starts tomorrow. Brian is giving up action figures. I'm giving up staying up past 10pm and eating fried foods. I had Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner as my last hoorah. Good-bye wild wings... french fries... cheetos... Sabritones and fried zucchinis. You'll all be sorely missed.

Lesson #633: Don't ever get a dental implant with only a local anaesthetic

GOOD GOD. Yesterday, I had the worst dental experience of my life. One and a half hours of drilling into jawbone, jamming metal sockets in there and then LITERALLY jamming in screws with a socket wrench. There was a lot of unexpected water being splashed around and some tinkering with a chisel as well. Oh, and I got lucky and got the dingbat dental assistant on her first oral surgery. Bitch kept throwing heavy-ass tools down on my chest. The doctor had to remind her that she was dealing with a live person.

Today, my doctor called to see how I was doing. I told him the truth: "I'm in pain and I look like a monster, how do you think I feel?" I then chastised him for failing to give me valium before the procedure and told him it was the worst dental experience of my life. That's when he mentioned that they were going to start using an IV drip to administer some kind of sedative during the procedure from now on. Wow, that makes me feel a whole lot less traumatized. Fucker.

Cursed Dentistry

Anyone who has known me a while knows I have horrible luck with dentists. I go all the time and I still have problems. Nothing seems to ever get done right. I'm extra nervous today because I'm going to get a dental implant drilled into my jaw bone. With just local anaesthesia. Can't wait.

Borat Osama in '08

We went to see Barack Obama speak on Sunday. He was a'ight. Pretty smooth talker, but I wouldn't say he made any controversial points. Here's what I got out of it:

Slavery is wrong. Women's suffrage is good. Bush is bad. The war is bad. Our healthcare system is bad. And he's too young to have been corrupted by the political system. That's about it.

Probably the thing that impressed me most was the diversity in the crowd. I love it when different races stand together behind a unified cause. Maybe that's as good a reason as any to vote for him. I'm still keeping an open mind about Hilary though. It seems as though she's had the healthcare reform idea a lot longer than Obama.

NBA All-Star Suckfest

The NBA All-Star game was in town this weekend. I got free tickets to go to one of the "Jam sessions" on Thursday. It was lame. In fact, there's a picture of my nephew not having a good time at all.

They advertised it as being an opportunity to meet, mingle, and play games with your favorite NBA players. Well, that was false advertising as far as we're concerned. The only people we saw were like 5 players from the 70's. And the entertainment they provided was, like, a game of horse. The rest of the thing was lame basketball-themed carnival-style booths run by the sponsors. Laaame. Anyway, at least I got this cute picture of my nephew pretending to be a WNBA player. A Sacramento Monarch too! Woo hoo!

Wow. That's not how we did shows at my high school.

Last night we went to see Miss Saigon at the local performing arts high school. It was fuc*ing amazing.

Highlights included a full-pit orchestra, a sixteen-foot Ho Chi Minh statue, a pink '56 Cadillac driven onstage for a musical number and actors hanging out of a life-size military helicopter. There were over 60 cast members and even more crew, and tons of costume and scene changes. Yeah, it was crazy-amazing. I can't believe it was a high school production.

Check out a video of the helicopter scene by clicking on the video link embedded in this story.

Apparently, the producer of the original broadway show helped the students out, as this was the national premiere of the student edition. And rumor is that local techs helped the kids out with a lot of the special effects. Some guy who starred in the Broadway version of Rent was even there in the audience last night.

Anyway, it was amazing. Too bad the last shows are TODAY at 2pm and 7pm. Last night was sold out, so if you read this in time and are interested, I would suggest immediately reserving tickets. I think we're going to get season passes for the school's shows next year.

V for Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day! It's a day late, but the sentiment is still there, right?

I had a great Valentine's Day. I spent the morning handing out valentines and candy to all the people at work. Then in the afternoon, I had a Domestic Violence trial that I won, so that was cool.

Then after work, Brian took me out for a surprise date. We went to Fusia at the Luxor, which was really good. Then we went over and saw Mamma Mia at the Mandalay Bay. It was super-awesome. I've been wanting to see that show for a long time, so I was really happy when I found out that was the surprise. You should all go see it. It's super-cute. After the show, we ajourned to our spa suite at the Luxor. Brian had decorated the room with heart-shaped balloons and tissue paper rose-petals. Awwwe... He also got me a cute mechanical giraffe that grows taller and taller as it sings "Your love is lifting me higher." Awwwe.... And the Post Secret book I've been wanting. Awwwee...

Unfortunately, he had to go to work this morning. He had told me before that we'd be out late, so I planned ahead and took today off. So now I get a full day to recover. Yay! But I have to spend it alone. Boo!

For my part, I got him this super awesome 30" Apple HD monitor for his computer. He really liked it, so I think I did good. Girls have it so easy.

And Boy Are My Arms Tired

This wiikend wii all got together at Brad's to play the Nintendo Wii until the wii hours of the night. Wii played for about eight hours straight. I am super-sore all over today, but especially in my right arm. I am such a wiik sister!

And it's..... dead.

Lesson #632: Low-rise jeans call for a good belt and a pair of low-rise thongs

Friday night we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant in Chinatown for dinner. This chick was sitting at the sushi bar directly across from me like this all night. We contemplated saying something to her, but then decided the best thing for everyone would be if we just made fun of her behind her back.

More Money Talk

Went back to the financial planners today. Topic of discussion was Variable Universal Life Insurance. Anyone know anything about it or have any personal experience?

Oscar Smackdown, Bitchez

Alright all you movie junkies out there, this one's for you. My friend Housekeeper has thrown down the gauntlet (as she does every year) and has challenged me to guess as many Oscar winners as possible. I now bring a similar challenge to you. Here's your notice. Go see the movies then print this ballot:

Official Oscar Ballot

Check off your picks and then post them as a comment to this blogpost no later than 10am PST, Februay 25th, 2007 (the day of the show). The winner will get a very secret, thrilling, and amazing reward!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

We've ALMOST come to an agreement about this year's vacation destination. It's either going to be this 18-day China Tour (Brian's preference) or this 15-day Bangkok, Singapore, Bali, Hong Kong Tour (my preference). Either way, China is where it's at baby!

No Es Bueno

We went to see our financial guys last Tuesday. They wasted two hours of our time trying to sell us insurance. I called them out on the kickbacks they would be getting out of the deal. For one plan, they got every penny of the first year's premiums (which totalled about a $1,000), plus a percentage of the premiums thereafter for the life of the plan. Oh, and they gave our phone numbers to insurance agents, who have been calling us at work all week without our permission.

This wasn't at all what we thought it was going to be. They had promised us a personalized review of our current plans and investments and custom-tailored advice to fit our needs. But last Tuesday's meeting showed they hadn't done a minute's worth of work on our case, and that they were just giving us the same schpiel (sp?) they give everyone else, and that they were in it to make themselves money, not us.

We have another appointment on Tuesday. We are giving them one more shot to get to the good stuff and impress us, but the reality is we'll probably be disappointed and end up firing them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLISON!!

Moka's Arch Nemesis

So there's this OTHER black kitty that hangs around outside. He looks just like Moka, only he's an outside kitty and Moka's an inside kitty. The cat likes to come up to the sliding glass door and say hello to Moka. Brian has always shooed the cat away, saying that he's only there to taunt Moka. I've always given the cat the benefit of the doubt and assumed he just wanted to make friends. WELL, it seems Brian was right about the little bastard...

Yesterday, we were cleaning out the garage. We had the backdoor of Brian's SUV open to load stuff to take to Goodwill. Moka's arch nemesis came around after a while to see what we were doing. That was fine. Until the cat jumped into Brian's car. Brian went over and got the cat out of his trunk. He put it down and told it to shoo. Then the little turd went over to Brian's tire, sprayed it with urine, and ran off. Anyone who says cats are not vindinctive creatures is in denial. Piece of crap. That cat is getting a spray of water to the face next time I see it. And probably a phone call to the HOA.

State of the Cladeedah

Yeah yeah, I know all the pretentious bloggers out there talk trash about these kinds of posts, but so what. If you haven't noticed, this blog is not general interest. It's about me. So State of the Cladeedah posts are part of the deal. This one's for Allison, who complains that I don't blog enough.

Last Tuesday we met with our financial planner. It was the meeting where we told him how we spend our money. He laughed at us. I think it was somewhere between the $100 a month for action figures and the $5,000 we spent last year on the cat's medical bills when he finally lost it. I'm not mad. I know we are bad. It was just embarassing to have to say it out loud.

Thursday I went to a funeral. I hate funerals. It was my boss'. He had cancer. Not a whole lot to say about it.

Friday we went out and saw Babel. We took my 12-year-old nephew. As a joke, when we bought the tickets, we asked for 3 tickets for "Babar." You know, the elephant cartoon? The ticket guys looked at my nephew and asked whether I knew that it was rated R. We said yes, got the tickets and went in. Holy crap, they weren't messing around with that R-rating though, were they? The movie was alright. I don't think it's the best picture of 2006. Not as good as others I've seen, for sure. But decent.

Saturday I got my hair dyed again. It's pretty red right now. Hopefully it will fade a little bit.

The rest of the weekend we just spent with family. Oh, and I finally saw Snakes on a Plane today. It was easily the worst movie I've ever seen. It had no creative merit at all whatsoever. You could probably guess that. But just in case you had any doubts.

Mmm... my ding ding dong

Holy crap, I think this guy is for real. Ok, so the other night I was watching Beauty and the Geek, and they kept playing this bizarro song that got stuck in my head the rest of the week. Finally tonight, Brian and I searched for it online and struck internet gold. Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you Swedish singing sensation, Gunther. Definitely spend a few minutes looking over his myspace profile. It's well-worth the time investment. And thank you dear Lord Baby Jesus, there is also a music video. Make sure you watch until the end. That's where the money shot is.

This Party's Dead Anyway

We took a tour of the coroner's office today for one of our new programs. I almost didn't go into the freezer, but I didn't want to be the only one in my group to wimp out, so I went in.

The smell is the first thing you notice. It smells like a butcher's shop, only it's more of a rotting meat smell mixed with some fishiness. It's extremely pungeant. I can still smell it in my hair and I was only in there a few minutes. The bodies aren't kept in drawers the way they are on TV. Instead, it's a big, cold room with the bodies lined up on gurneys. The bodies are mostly covered except for the blue frozen feet that stick out with the toe tags on them.

As soon as I walked into the room, physiology took over. My whole body tensed up. I couldn't move. I started breathing erratically. I got dizzy. I thought I was going to pass out. The whole time I just kept telling myself not to pass out, that it'd be over any second. I would never be able to live it down at work if I passed out.

When they tried taking us deeper into the freezer where they kept the miscellaneous body-parts, I stayed put. Rows of blue feet were pretty much all I could take. Plus, I don't think I could move, even if I wanted to. At one point, a door behind me opened suddenly and I jumped. I don't know why. I was just so on-edge. It was like being in a haunted house.

The rest of the program was held in a classroom. We saw a lot of grizzly car accident photos. All the way home, I was crazy paranoid that I was going to get into a horrible car accident. Which is something I worry about all the time anyway, but this just made it 300% worse.

So, yeah, it was an interesting day at the office.

Officer Man-beautiful...

...came to court today for the first time in a long time. He said hi to me in this weird way that made me think my secret crush had been revealed. It made me super-embarassed. My co-workers said I was reading too much into his hello. I still think I'm right on the money.

Later on in the day, my co-workers played a trick on me. They said he was hitting on one of our really cute victim advocates after court. I totally didn't believe it, but still. The fact that they tried to scare me is so mean. Not that this crush is at all serious. It's just a fun, girlie past-time. (We are both very happily married people.) Just that I don't want to pretend-crush on someone who's real-crushing on my victim advocate, that's all.

Ok, that is pretty cool.

I'm not sure if other credit card companies do this. It's the first time I've seen it. Discover lets you pick your credit card design from hundreds of choices. I picked this one cuz I like giraffes. I also picked another clear, funky dots pattern. You can pick as many different card designs as you want. Pretty cool if you ask me.

Brian wondered why a credit card company would spend so much money doing such a thing. To me, it was obvious. I'm sure Discover is looking for any reason they can give customers to pass up that Visa and Mastercard and use the Discover. I'm personally more likely to reach for this card now that it's got the positive connotation of my favorite animal. And since Discover gives a pretty good cashback bonus, there's no good reason not to.

The Good Shepherd

We went to see The Good Shepherd on Saturday. I didn't like it. In part, I wasn't prepared for a three-hour movie. But I also think that if you're going to keep me in a movie theatre for three hours, there better be a damn good reason, and this movie just didn't justify that type of time commitment. I thought Angelina Jolie was terribly miscast. The story wasn't tight enough. The pacing was waaaaaaay too slow. There were too many simultaneous plotlines. And too many unnecessary characters that felt like Robert DeNiro was just trying to fit all of his friends into the film (including himself). The worst part was that there was no payoff for all of your attentiveness. I read a review afterward that said this movie left you wanting to see a better spy movie. That's exactly how I felt about it. Luckily, the trailers previewed two new spy movies coming out soon. Maybe one of them will be better.

Buzz Buzz Buzz

We watched Pan's Labyrinth last weekend. It _is_ as good as they say. It's a Spanish film, so look for it for sure in the foreign film category at the Oscars. Maybe even in the best actress category for the 11-year-old lead. Here's an interview with the director. It's definitely one to check out when it comes out in your area.

Those darn Boy Scouts

I always knew it was some kind of lawless street gang.

Boy Scouts Set Utah Wildfire

This song's always stuck in my head.

Close Call

I almost got in an accident today in the Costco parking lot. It would've been her fault, but it still would have sucked. Somehow I was able to stop my car in time. Which surprises me, cuz my brakes kinda suck. I thought for sure I was going to hit her.

Beauty and the Geek

...is my new favorite TV show. I love love love how nerdy the guys on the show are. They are so endearing. And the girls are so ditsy, it's hilarious. Brian and I like to play along with the contestants on the quiz challenge at the end of every show. He tries to answer the questions on fashion and pop culture along with the geeks and I try to answer the questions about politics and aeronautics alongside the beauties. It's actually pretty funny how geeky he is and how ditsy I am.

Does that make me racist?

The other day, I was walking out of the front lobby of my office, and this guy is standing right in front of the exit doors, staring at me. As I get close to him/the exit, he says to me: "Keshia?"

I was like, "No, sorry," and just kept going. But it kinda perplexed me. Isn't Keshia usually a black girl name? Do I really look like a Keshia? Then I felt bad. Was this guy just, like, totally progressive and I'm this stereotyping bigot for thinking it was a silly question?

Typhoid Cladeedah

The last two weeks, a bunch of people have been coming in to work sick. One day, we had 4 sick people all at once coughing and hacking and sniffling and snotting up their germs everywhere. I did not hesitate to give them crap about coming in. When they denied they were contagious or that they would get anyone else sick, I sent them each a link to this Wikipedia article about Typhoid Mary.

Basically, Typhoid Mary was this lady who was a dormant carrier of the Typhoid Fever virus. She refused to quit her job as a cook because she was in denial. She used fake names and got hired over and over again, infecting people every bit of the way. She infected 47 people, 3 of whom died. Ultimately, she died alone in forced quarantine. Yeah, sad story. Except for that the stubborn broad wouldn't have had to die alone if she'd just stayed home from work or become a telemarketer or something.

So now thanks to all the Typhoid Marys at work, I'm now sick as a dog. I have 3 huge trials tomorrow that I HAVE TO do. We're already one attorney down this week, and I can't continue these cases anymore. So it looks like I'm pulling a reverse Typhoid Mary on all those bastards that got me sick. Sorry guys, I ain't proud, but you did bring it upon yourselves.

Apparently, I suck

This was supposed to be my New Year's resolutions blogpost, but then, as I was making my list, I realized that this year's list is not at all different from last year's. So I'm just going to keep the same list and note my progress where applicable. Here's my scorecard one year later:

1. Stop talking on the cell phone on the drive home from work. (I actually did pretty good with this one. I talk on the phone maybe once every two weeks now.)
2. Make a budget and stick to it. (We didn't do so well here. With the cat getting sick, it was hard to stick to a budget. Christmas was a killer too. But this month we're hiring a financial planner, so hopefully I'll do better this year.)
3. Buy a house. (Does it count if we returned it during the opt-out period? No, for real. This year, HOUSE!)
4. Finish my estate administration duties. (I'm just going to hire someone. It's obvious I can't do this.)
5. Go to bed every night by 10:30. (Not doing so well with this one.)
6. Visit the gym at least three times a week. (So far, so good.)
7. Get to work at 7am, NOT 7:30. (This one may have actually gotten worse.)
8. Do something interesting and different with my hair this year. (I dyed it red at one point. The people at work freaked. Everyone else said it wasn't that different. I think this year I'll cut it or else get bangs.)
9. Clean out the garage. (25% done baby!)
10. Eat breakfast before work. (Ha.)
11. Get invisalign braces. (Maybe next year.)
12. Get the damn tooth implant that I've been too scared to get. (Got the referral today.)
13. Keep the dishes clean. (Doing a little better.)
14. Watch the Netflix I've had for over 6 months, or else just cancel the damn subscription. (Cancelled baby!)
15. Finish reading those stupid books (Gave up. Too many magazines, too little time.)
16. Stop blogging/playing on the internet at work. (Done!)
17. Watch less TV in order to get all of the above done. (Done, surprisingly.)
18. Have a notebook handy at all times and actually jot down good ideas and interesting dreams. (Done, but never used.)

Sac 'n Crack Update

This is a bit overdue. Please accept my late entry. So David finally went and got his Sac 'n Crack done. Here is a paraphrasing of my interview w/ him:

1. What position or positions were required? Two. Missionary and Doggie-style.
2. How much did they take off? Waist to waist (gesturing front to back)
3. Did you splurge and purchase the $5 numbing cream? Yes. (Lame!)
4. Was the $70 gift certificate sufficient to cover your needs? Yes. (Thanks for the advice, David's exes!)
5. Did it hurt? Yes. It was intermittent spurts of "blinding" pain.
6. What did the lady say who did it (if anything)? She was really nice. A good balance of comforting and professional.
7. Are you going to keep it maintained? Why or why not? No. Too expensive and too painful.
8. Does it feel different? Yes. It's definitely a new experience.
9. Overall, are you glad you did it? Yes. It's something that every man should try at least once.

So there you have it. See? I'm not mean. He liked his present. Every man should have one. Valentine's Day is just around the corner ladies...

New Year, New Template

I always liked this one better anyway.

Not blogging is actually a good sign.

It means I'm having too much fun doing other stuff. The last two weeks have been crazy. The week between Christmas & New Year's, we went out every night. In that time, we saw Cirque Du Soleil Love at the Mirage and the Phantom of the Opera Spectacular at the Venetian.

Love was amazing. It was less acrobatic than some of the other Cirque shows though, focusing instead on dancing, costumes, and really cool art direction. It's now my second favorite Cirque show (after Ka). I gotta say, the Cirque shows have never let me down.

Phantom, on the other hand, was dumb. It was so cheesy, I laughed out loud in some parts that I don't think were meant to be funny. Apparently, the Vegas version cuts out a lot of the character development for the Phantom and his relationship with Christine. So I had no love for the Phantom. I thought he was a loser, and being deformed didn't justify his being a stalker. I didn't really care too much about Christine either, actually. The singing in the show was good and all, I just thought the story and the art direction on the show were lame. Oh well.

I gotta get back to work now. I'll try to be better about the blogging, I swear. In the meantime, did you hear that the OC just got cancelled???? Feel free to discuss.

The nerve of some bitchez

Target cashiers are officially on this week's tripping list. The other day this snatch tried rushing me through my transaction. Then today, some little Target cashier ho-bag tried picking up on my husband!

I guess he was checking out, (I wasn't there, lucky for her) and this little ho was all, "Wow, you're tall. How tall are you? Blah blah blah..." You know, the usual. So Brian tells her, and then she's all like, "Wow. Is your girlfriend tall?" And Brian says, "Yeah, my WIFE is 6'5"." (Hint hint, bitch.) Then, (this is when the little ho-bag signed off on her own death warrant) bitch goes, "Oh. Well. Have you ever been with a short girl before?"

All Brian could think was, "Oh my God, you have no idea how quickly my wife would have snatched out your eyes just now if she had heard you say that." From then on, he just focused all his attention on the credit card keypad, all the while thinking, "My wife is going to find this girl and kill her if I keep talking to her." Damn right. Hooker is lucky I gave Brad back his AK.

Go JT.

Wow. Now I know exactly what I want for Xmas. (Hint hint, Brian.) This is not safe for work, I'd say.

I got to say it was a good day...

Today I didn't even have to use my AK. Yesterday is an altogether different story. We went shooting with Brad. It was freezing, so I stayed in the car and gossiped for the most part, but I did get out a few times and shoot a rifle, a 357 Magnum, and an AK-47. Here are the pics from my camera. Brad has way more.

Crockpot Mondays

"Why does this blog suck so hard nowadays?," you may be asking yourself. Well, you see, I used to blog on Mondays, but now that it's gotten cold outside, my Mondays are instead devoted to slow-cooking comfort food in the crockpot. By the time i get done shopping, chopping, etc., there's just simply no time for blogging. Like today. The good news is that in the last couple of weeks, we've enjoyed steak chili, french dips and bbq beef sandwiches. Today it's Chicken Cacciatore. And the whole house gets warm and smells good all day. Please understand. It's not you, it's the weather.

Random sidebar: There was a dead pigeon laying next to my car when I went out this morning. What am I supposed to do with that? I changed parking spots for now, and will probably have Brian process the dead bird when he comes home.

Some days you just can't win...

Today was so bad. Where do I start? Well, first, I got to work and I realized that I wore navy blue socks with my black suit and black shoes. Nice. At least I had matching shoes on today.

Then, on my way to court, I heard the new rumor that's been going around since the big court Christmas party on Saturday - that I must have robbed the cradle because my husband looks so much younger than me. Oh my gosh, if one more person suggests that I look old, I am going to KILL! WE'RE THE SAME FRICKIN' AGE PEOPLE! I WEAR SPF 15 ON MY FACE EVERYDAY DAMMIT!!

So then I went to the White Elephant party at work, swearing up and down I wasn't going to get stuck with the worst present this time, and then, sure enough, I got a broken animatronic snowglobe.

Also, while at the party, I mentioned to a co-worker that my boss (who has cancer) wasn't going to be at the party because he was sick. Well, she thought I meant sick like the flu and said, "Oh good!" in response because she's really uncomfortable around him. So I tell her that he's actually REALLY sick. Like in the hospital with cancer sick. So she starts feeling bad about being happy he was sick then says she'd totally feel like crap if he died. Yeah. Well, as if even having that conversation wasn't bad enough, it turns out his secretary totally heard it all. Man, I feel like an asshole.

Later in the day, I got a phone call about Moka - he's been at the vet since yesterday for more urinary problems. Looks like it's going to be another $500 just to find out what's wrong. Sh*t...

Even later that day, I find out that Brian's been art directing a nude photo shoot with strippers all day, and that yes, he had to touch them to pose them. Oh, and he's not going to be home until very late tonight because the ad is due tomorrow. "Oh, and, by the way," he said. "You're not allowed to get breast implants." WTF?

What is wrong with today??

Shoes

This morning, I accidentally put on one black shoe and one brown shoe. I've been walking around all day hoping nobody would notice. What a nerd!

Addendum

Woops, forgot to post the pic of Jesse cuddling the Wii one last time before giving it up until Christmas.

Wii like to party.

After weeks of calling all the local toy and electronics stores, and surfing the Wii-tracking web sites, victory is finally ours. We waited outside of Toys R' Us yesterday at 7 a.m., and were lucky enough to get a Wii for Briian, a Wii for Jessii, and a Wii for Daviid. The boys couldn't resist playing a little bit yesterday after we got home, but now the system is officially off-limits until Christmas.

Sac n' Crack

So the other day, Brian and I are at this strip mall having dinner, when we notice a store nearby called "Box." "Hmm.. wonder what that is?," we thought. A stationary store? Maybe a packaging design studio? Brian couldn't resist investigating.

Inside, the place was super-posh-trendy-chic. There were notecards on the table that read: "Get Rid of Bush." Brian picked up a "menu" that featured something called a "Sac n' Crack." WTF?

Turns out it was a saucy waxing salon. Props to the owners for having a sense of humor.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. Brian, David and I are in Japan. David insists on having as many new experiences as possible, regardless of whether they're good or bad. For example: 1) trying snot-like, dirty-garbage-disposal-tasting stuff called natto, 2) touching a hot faucet that clearly warned "Hot! Do not touch!," and 3) partaking in naked fun at a gay bath house - er, I mean - a public bath house. When he started getting on my case about not wanting to do unpleasant things in the name of trying something new, that's when I realized what David was getting for his birthday.

David's birthday was about a week after we got back from Japan. He liked new experiences? Well, he was about to get one. Yes, I got him a ball and ass waxing for his birthday. Yes, he says he's going to do it.

Buying the gift certificate was an experience in and of itself. The lady wanted to know how hairy David was down there. Apparently, it affects the price. Uh..... I have no idea how hairy David is down there, and I don't even want to begin to imagine. She also wanted to know if he'd ever done it before. Again, I don't even want to go there. They had the option to purchase a topical numbing cream for $5 more, but I didn't bother with that, figuring he'd want the full experience.

Stay tuned for the details...

Blast From the Past

One year ago today, I used this time-capsule email website to send myself an email one year in the future. I just got it today. It's kinda cool actually. Anyway, here's what it said:

"HI CLAUDIA!!

It's Nov. 28th, 2005. You and Brian just got married about 3 weeks ago. You just got back from seeing Walk The Line - the movie about Johnny Cash starring Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix - they were both really good in it. Anyway, the boys are over at your condo right now. Jesse is 11 - Tony is 5. Baby Andrew is 6 months old. He's in LA with Diana. Diana is packing up getting ready to leave big Andrew and move back to Vegas. Mom is sleeping in the living room. She's been sick for a few days w/ vertigo.

Brian has been the best husband a girl could ever wish for. You guys are madly madly in love. The cats, Enid and Moka are 7 and 4 respectvely. They are bad kitties who always fight.

It's the end of Thanksgiving weekend and Allison just left town. She was pretty pissed at you for saying she was too abraisive sometimes.

Work is fine. You hate both your judges, and the cases are pains in the ass, but you like the pay and the 4-day work weeks, so what are you going to do?

What else? That's about it I guess. We are just starting out w/ this marriage thing and figuring out our goals.

Take care - hope all is still well in the future.

Claudia"

Wow. See how I predicted Joaquin and Reese would both get Oscar nods? Well okay fine. I did note they were both good though! Anyway... All is still well. The only major differences now are that 1) my sister is back together now with big Andrew, 2) my mom doesn't live with me anymore, 3) Allison's no longer mad at me (I hope), and 4) I like my job a lot more now! What a difference a year makes.

My friend Sophie, she's the bomb

Just got done having dinner with my friend Sophie from Reno. We have SO much fun when we're together. It's uber-bizarro cuz she's like 4'10" and 88 lbs and I'm like 6'5" and twice her weight, but we are still so much alike. It was such a relief to talk with her tonight. Like maybe I don't have a personality disorder if she has some of the same issues that I do.

It's an old-friend-triple-bonus-week too. I got to see Greg this week while he was down from Knoxville. AND on Friday, my old roommate Maggie comes to town, so I get to see her AND her hot husband AND their new baby Indy. YAY!

Auto-blogging 101

Sweet! All I have to do is sit back and let Shannon do all the work. Just like high school science class! Here's part two of our Japanese adventure tale. I'll be in the back row gossiping with the other girls, in case you need me.

Kitty Jail

Enid has officially crossed the line. While we were away, she crapped repeatedly in every room of the house and peed on 1) our bed, 2) our coffee table (and mail), and 3) our dining table (nearly ruining my brand new Tori Amos collector's box set). I should also reiiterate the fact that we are STILL sitting on Spider-man folding chairs because she peed on both of our couches last month. Nothing is safe from her crazy peeing and pooping rampages. I have begged Brian to let me get rid of her, but being the sweet, gentle, forgiving spirit that he is, he just can't bring himself to allow it.

But something has to be done. I've been looking online, and I think we've found our solution: kitty jail.

Yes... incapacitation seems to be the only solution. My mom says it's mean to keep her in a cage, but I disagree. The cat spends most of her time hiding in my closet or under the bed anyway, so the small space should not be a problem. Besides, she might even like having her own space and her own food and catbox. She hates Moka and always fights with him anyway.

If she were sane enough to be an outside kitty, we would make her one. But she's not. She's crazy and jumpy and afraid of people, so we're fairly certain she'd dart out in front of a car and get run over within seconds of being set free. Also, she's aggressive, HATES children, and obviously has catbox issues, so we're also fairly certain no one else would have her and that she'd end up ultimately getting euthanized.

So we think this is a fair compromise. She'll still be allowed out when we're home. But when we're asleep or away, it's back on kitty house arrest for her.

Trying so hard not to go back to sleep...

This jet lag is really kicking my butt. I did so well with it when we got to Japan. I didn't sleep the night before we left, just because I still had so much stuff to do and because I was so excited about going. When we got there, I was super-tired, but was so amped to be there, I had no desire to sleep. So then when it finally came time to go to bed there, I was good to go. I slept through every night without a problem and woke up by 5:30 or 6am every morning.

Coming back is WAY harder. The first two nights back, I couldn't get to sleep before 2am. And I was so tired the next morning, it was hard getting up before 1:30pm.

Last night, I was finally able to go to bed at 10:30pm. I was so happy when I woke up because I thought I'd managed to sleep through the night. Turns out, it was only 2am. So I layed in bed awake for at least an hour, hoping to doze off. This morning, I forced myself out of bed at 9am, but it was rough. Now I'm dragging... fighting the urge to go back to bed.

Dang, cock-blogged again!

Since my Japan-posts probably won't be as prompt or as neat and organized as Shannon's, you should probably read her's first. Here's her first one. I'll post mine once I've organized the 500+ photos we took.

We're baaack.

Here's how Brian, David, Shannon & I spent the last 28 hours:

11/9, 9am (Japan-time) - Took bus from Kyoto to the Osaka-Kansai airport. (2 hours)
11/9, 11am (Japan-time) - Checked-in at airport, went through customs and waited for flight to Seoul, Korea. (2.5 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Japan-time) - Flew from Osaka to Seoul (2 hours)
11/9, 3:30pm (still Japan time) - Arrived in Seoul. Waited for connecting flight to LAX. (4 hours)
11/9, 7:30pm (still Japan-time) - Flew from Seoul to LAX (with little to no foot room). (11 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Pacific Time) - Landed in L.A. Went through customs. Waited for flight to Las Vegas. (4.5 hours)
11/9, 6:00pm (Pacific Time) - Flew from L.A. to Las Vegas. (1 hour)
11/9, 7:00pm - (Pacific Time) - Waited for luggage and got a ride home. (1 hour)
11/9, 8:00pm - (Pacific Time) - WE'RE HOME!!!

tt took 28 hours for us to get back, yet we managed to fit it all into just one day. Transcending time and space is so totally bitchin'...

Aa, segatakai desu!

That means "Oh, they're tall!" in Japanese. I imagine we'll be hearing that a lot in the next 10 days. So, yeah, time's up, we're officially gone. We'll be back some time around November 9th. Here's our tour so you can think of us and where we are while we're gone. I'll try hard to find email access and to send postcards. LOTS OF LOVE!! BYE!!

Nevada Day + Veteran's Day = Love

After today, I don't have to go to work for another 19 days. YAY! And I have the okay from the vet to pick Moka up tomorrow morning. YAY! And since I have the day off for Nevada Day, I get to spend all day with my baby. YAY! AND, BEST OF ALL, I get on a plane for Tokyo in just FIVE days. LESS THAN ONE WEEK, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!

Holy TALLedo!

All kinds of stuff happened this weekend. I don't have time to get into all of it, so I'll just do one thing at a time. Friday night was the first night of Amazonfest. Because we were at the vet for a lot of the early evening, we didn't make it out to the bar where the tall girls were until about 11:30pm. By then, there were only three tall chicks left. So I introduced myself to them. Then they went back to dancing and what-not so I started to make my way out of the place. But then all these tall-lady-fanciers stopped me and asked for pictures and web site info and chatted me up. It was a very interesting experience overall. I wish I could have met more tall girls though. They invited me to the next evening's "private party," but I had birthday plans, so I couldn't make it. Anyway, here are the few pics I took:

Me and Alexis Skye


Me and some guys who wanted pictures for their tall chick collection

Moka Update #3

Yay! He's peeing on his own through his new vagina!! We still have to make sure he can do it for the next two days, but for now this is really good news!!

Moka Update #2

Ok, so he made it through the surgery, but he's not out of the woods yet. This vet said Moka is the most extreme case she's seen in 25 years. He's got bad damage to the inside of his urethra. If he can't pee on his own after this surgery, he'll have to be put down. His odds are "better then 50%," according to her.