Sac n' Crack

So the other day, Brian and I are at this strip mall having dinner, when we notice a store nearby called "Box." "Hmm.. wonder what that is?," we thought. A stationary store? Maybe a packaging design studio? Brian couldn't resist investigating.

Inside, the place was super-posh-trendy-chic. There were notecards on the table that read: "Get Rid of Bush." Brian picked up a "menu" that featured something called a "Sac n' Crack." WTF?

Turns out it was a saucy waxing salon. Props to the owners for having a sense of humor.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. Brian, David and I are in Japan. David insists on having as many new experiences as possible, regardless of whether they're good or bad. For example: 1) trying snot-like, dirty-garbage-disposal-tasting stuff called natto, 2) touching a hot faucet that clearly warned "Hot! Do not touch!," and 3) partaking in naked fun at a gay bath house - er, I mean - a public bath house. When he started getting on my case about not wanting to do unpleasant things in the name of trying something new, that's when I realized what David was getting for his birthday.

David's birthday was about a week after we got back from Japan. He liked new experiences? Well, he was about to get one. Yes, I got him a ball and ass waxing for his birthday. Yes, he says he's going to do it.

Buying the gift certificate was an experience in and of itself. The lady wanted to know how hairy David was down there. Apparently, it affects the price. Uh..... I have no idea how hairy David is down there, and I don't even want to begin to imagine. She also wanted to know if he'd ever done it before. Again, I don't even want to go there. They had the option to purchase a topical numbing cream for $5 more, but I didn't bother with that, figuring he'd want the full experience.

Stay tuned for the details...

Blast From the Past

One year ago today, I used this time-capsule email website to send myself an email one year in the future. I just got it today. It's kinda cool actually. Anyway, here's what it said:

"HI CLAUDIA!!

It's Nov. 28th, 2005. You and Brian just got married about 3 weeks ago. You just got back from seeing Walk The Line - the movie about Johnny Cash starring Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix - they were both really good in it. Anyway, the boys are over at your condo right now. Jesse is 11 - Tony is 5. Baby Andrew is 6 months old. He's in LA with Diana. Diana is packing up getting ready to leave big Andrew and move back to Vegas. Mom is sleeping in the living room. She's been sick for a few days w/ vertigo.

Brian has been the best husband a girl could ever wish for. You guys are madly madly in love. The cats, Enid and Moka are 7 and 4 respectvely. They are bad kitties who always fight.

It's the end of Thanksgiving weekend and Allison just left town. She was pretty pissed at you for saying she was too abraisive sometimes.

Work is fine. You hate both your judges, and the cases are pains in the ass, but you like the pay and the 4-day work weeks, so what are you going to do?

What else? That's about it I guess. We are just starting out w/ this marriage thing and figuring out our goals.

Take care - hope all is still well in the future.

Claudia"

Wow. See how I predicted Joaquin and Reese would both get Oscar nods? Well okay fine. I did note they were both good though! Anyway... All is still well. The only major differences now are that 1) my sister is back together now with big Andrew, 2) my mom doesn't live with me anymore, 3) Allison's no longer mad at me (I hope), and 4) I like my job a lot more now! What a difference a year makes.

My friend Sophie, she's the bomb

Just got done having dinner with my friend Sophie from Reno. We have SO much fun when we're together. It's uber-bizarro cuz she's like 4'10" and 88 lbs and I'm like 6'5" and twice her weight, but we are still so much alike. It was such a relief to talk with her tonight. Like maybe I don't have a personality disorder if she has some of the same issues that I do.

It's an old-friend-triple-bonus-week too. I got to see Greg this week while he was down from Knoxville. AND on Friday, my old roommate Maggie comes to town, so I get to see her AND her hot husband AND their new baby Indy. YAY!

Auto-blogging 101

Sweet! All I have to do is sit back and let Shannon do all the work. Just like high school science class! Here's part two of our Japanese adventure tale. I'll be in the back row gossiping with the other girls, in case you need me.

Kitty Jail

Enid has officially crossed the line. While we were away, she crapped repeatedly in every room of the house and peed on 1) our bed, 2) our coffee table (and mail), and 3) our dining table (nearly ruining my brand new Tori Amos collector's box set). I should also reiiterate the fact that we are STILL sitting on Spider-man folding chairs because she peed on both of our couches last month. Nothing is safe from her crazy peeing and pooping rampages. I have begged Brian to let me get rid of her, but being the sweet, gentle, forgiving spirit that he is, he just can't bring himself to allow it.

But something has to be done. I've been looking online, and I think we've found our solution: kitty jail.

Yes... incapacitation seems to be the only solution. My mom says it's mean to keep her in a cage, but I disagree. The cat spends most of her time hiding in my closet or under the bed anyway, so the small space should not be a problem. Besides, she might even like having her own space and her own food and catbox. She hates Moka and always fights with him anyway.

If she were sane enough to be an outside kitty, we would make her one. But she's not. She's crazy and jumpy and afraid of people, so we're fairly certain she'd dart out in front of a car and get run over within seconds of being set free. Also, she's aggressive, HATES children, and obviously has catbox issues, so we're also fairly certain no one else would have her and that she'd end up ultimately getting euthanized.

So we think this is a fair compromise. She'll still be allowed out when we're home. But when we're asleep or away, it's back on kitty house arrest for her.

Trying so hard not to go back to sleep...

This jet lag is really kicking my butt. I did so well with it when we got to Japan. I didn't sleep the night before we left, just because I still had so much stuff to do and because I was so excited about going. When we got there, I was super-tired, but was so amped to be there, I had no desire to sleep. So then when it finally came time to go to bed there, I was good to go. I slept through every night without a problem and woke up by 5:30 or 6am every morning.

Coming back is WAY harder. The first two nights back, I couldn't get to sleep before 2am. And I was so tired the next morning, it was hard getting up before 1:30pm.

Last night, I was finally able to go to bed at 10:30pm. I was so happy when I woke up because I thought I'd managed to sleep through the night. Turns out, it was only 2am. So I layed in bed awake for at least an hour, hoping to doze off. This morning, I forced myself out of bed at 9am, but it was rough. Now I'm dragging... fighting the urge to go back to bed.

Dang, cock-blogged again!

Since my Japan-posts probably won't be as prompt or as neat and organized as Shannon's, you should probably read her's first. Here's her first one. I'll post mine once I've organized the 500+ photos we took.

We're baaack.

Here's how Brian, David, Shannon & I spent the last 28 hours:

11/9, 9am (Japan-time) - Took bus from Kyoto to the Osaka-Kansai airport. (2 hours)
11/9, 11am (Japan-time) - Checked-in at airport, went through customs and waited for flight to Seoul, Korea. (2.5 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Japan-time) - Flew from Osaka to Seoul (2 hours)
11/9, 3:30pm (still Japan time) - Arrived in Seoul. Waited for connecting flight to LAX. (4 hours)
11/9, 7:30pm (still Japan-time) - Flew from Seoul to LAX (with little to no foot room). (11 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Pacific Time) - Landed in L.A. Went through customs. Waited for flight to Las Vegas. (4.5 hours)
11/9, 6:00pm (Pacific Time) - Flew from L.A. to Las Vegas. (1 hour)
11/9, 7:00pm - (Pacific Time) - Waited for luggage and got a ride home. (1 hour)
11/9, 8:00pm - (Pacific Time) - WE'RE HOME!!!

tt took 28 hours for us to get back, yet we managed to fit it all into just one day. Transcending time and space is so totally bitchin'...

Aa, segatakai desu!

That means "Oh, they're tall!" in Japanese. I imagine we'll be hearing that a lot in the next 10 days. So, yeah, time's up, we're officially gone. We'll be back some time around November 9th. Here's our tour so you can think of us and where we are while we're gone. I'll try hard to find email access and to send postcards. LOTS OF LOVE!! BYE!!

Nevada Day + Veteran's Day = Love

After today, I don't have to go to work for another 19 days. YAY! And I have the okay from the vet to pick Moka up tomorrow morning. YAY! And since I have the day off for Nevada Day, I get to spend all day with my baby. YAY! AND, BEST OF ALL, I get on a plane for Tokyo in just FIVE days. LESS THAN ONE WEEK, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!

Holy TALLedo!

All kinds of stuff happened this weekend. I don't have time to get into all of it, so I'll just do one thing at a time. Friday night was the first night of Amazonfest. Because we were at the vet for a lot of the early evening, we didn't make it out to the bar where the tall girls were until about 11:30pm. By then, there were only three tall chicks left. So I introduced myself to them. Then they went back to dancing and what-not so I started to make my way out of the place. But then all these tall-lady-fanciers stopped me and asked for pictures and web site info and chatted me up. It was a very interesting experience overall. I wish I could have met more tall girls though. They invited me to the next evening's "private party," but I had birthday plans, so I couldn't make it. Anyway, here are the few pics I took:

Me and Alexis Skye


Me and some guys who wanted pictures for their tall chick collection

Moka Update #3

Yay! He's peeing on his own through his new vagina!! We still have to make sure he can do it for the next two days, but for now this is really good news!!

Moka Update #2

Ok, so he made it through the surgery, but he's not out of the woods yet. This vet said Moka is the most extreme case she's seen in 25 years. He's got bad damage to the inside of his urethra. If he can't pee on his own after this surgery, he'll have to be put down. His odds are "better then 50%," according to her.

Moka Update

So things have gone from bad to worse w/ Moka. As you know, last Wednesday Moka was diagnosed with crystals in his urethra, which caused blockage and didn't allow him to pee and made him sick.

Friday, when the vet went to take out his catheter, it wouldn't come out. Apparently, this is extraordinarily unusual, so the vet panicked. She employed two more vets to try and take out the stuck catheter, and they had no success. So they, too, panicked. They called me, and I freaked out. They said that I should take him back to the emergency vet who put it in to see if he could get it out,

I was furious. What if the original vet said to fuck off, that he didn't do anything wrong, and refused to see the cat? And what could he even do that three vets hadn't already tried? What the hell was going to happen to my cat? And what kind of hospital pushes a patient out the door with a catheter still stuck in them?

After much worry and anguish, we took Moka back to the original vet on Friday night. He managed to get the catheter out and didn't charge us anything for that procedure or to house him that night. The next day though, it was back to the drawing board with regard to treating the crystals. They put in a new catheter and then took it out Sunday and waited to see if he could pee on his own.

He has not been able to. So they asked us if we wanted to make one more attempt with a third catheter. We said no. Moka's suffered with this catheter nonsense for 6 days now, and it's cost us $1900, and we're still in the same position we were in the very first night.

Girl cats don't usually have the crystals problem, so the ultimate answer to all this crystal business is a sex change operation. We think it's innevitable in Moka's case, so we're doing it sooner rather than later. So he's scheduled for the procedure tomorrow around 12pm. I'm going in today to see him and say goodbye to his man-cat-hood forever.

:-(

The Best Birthday Card Ever

My best friend Allison prides herself on sending me the weirdest birthday cards imagineable. She looks all year long for just the right one. The less they make sense, the better.

This year, she truly outdid herself:

Front

Inside


WHUH? HA!!! That definitely takes the chicken cake. Thanks Allison & Kelly. :-* (smooches)

Animal ER

We got home around 11pm last night. I could tell something was wrong when I opened the front door. The place was oddly quiet. I didn't realize until later that it was because Moka, my baby kitty, wasn't there to greet me like he usually is. A short time later, Brian noticed Moka wasn't himself. He refused to get up. He was really quiet, except for a small, pained meow here and there. (He's usually super-chatty.) So at 11:30pm, we took him to the animal ER.

Turns out his urethra was blocked, and he needed an immediate procedure or else his bladder could burst or his kidneys could fail, and he could die. So he got it done overnight. This morning Brian took him to the regular vet. They say he needs to stay hospitalized for about 2 days.

Last night's animal ER bill: $922. Nevernmind what's coming from the regular vet.

((SIGH))

My new favorite band...

...singing my new favorite song:


good day (by the dresden dolls)

so you dont want to hear about my good song?
and you dont want to hear about how i am getting on
with all the things that i can get done
the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
so you don't want to hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?
you dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence
success is in the eye of the beholder
and its looking even better over your cold shoulder

i'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning
but jesus think about the bridges you are burning
and i'm betting
that even though you knew it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

so go ahead and talk about your bad day...
i want all the details of the pain and misery
that you are inflicting on the others
i consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took up croquet today and i'm on fire

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

hey! its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i had so much fun today and i'm on fire
god it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
i'm on fire...
i'm on fire...
so you dont want to hear about my good day?

We are so freakin' cool

Lame stuff and more lame stuff

Fat Enid, our special needs cat, had one of her special needs episodes about a week and a half ago and peed on both of our sofas, so our exciting news is that we're looking for new couches and that we're sitting on Spider-man folding chairs until we get them. Here are the boys after they managed to chuck our sofa-bed into the dumspter:

I was totally impressed. So yeah, if you have cheap, modern, gorgeous couches in tan or cream or light blue, or know of a good place to get that, let us know.

Also last week, the alarm clock I've had for 11 years finally died. Then last night the washer started leaking water all over the floor. The repairman came over today and told us nothing was wrong with it. Oh really? Explain THE FU%@ING CREEK IN MY GO@DA#N HALLWAY THEN, MOTHERFU*@ER. The water got under the Pergo, so now we may have to replace both the washer and the floor.

You know all this is happening all at once now because we have our Japan trip coming up in 3 weeks and because I actually managed to pay off my credit cards AND save money for the trip. Sayonara to that now. (The spending money, not the trip. You'd have to kill me for me not to get on that plane.)

In other lame news, I saw Employee of the Month and School for Scoundrels this weekend. Both solid C+'s. Then again, I wasn't expecting very much. Oh, and Jennifer Simpson (as my 84-year-old husband calls her) stil can't act, in case you were wondering about how those acting classes worked out for her.

BRAINS!!!

LAST NIGHT WENT FIRST FRIDAY. WANT EAT BRAINS. PEOPLE RUN. ERGHHH. PEOPLE SAY DISGUSTING. OTHER THINK WE FRIENDLY. WANT PICTURES. WE WANT EAT BRAINS!!!

PICTURES HERE.