While I was watching the Charm School finale the other night, VH1 showed a preview of the new Rock of Love Bus. As I was watching it, I had to do a double-take -- was that my friend Jai Jai from high school?? Sure enough, it was her.
You may remember Jai Jai from my 10-year high school reunion. She's the plain-Jane I used to eat lunch with sophomore year who came back to the reunion a porn star. Here's her and me at the reunion (along with my friend Nancy): And here's her on the Rock of Love website. Apparently she goes by "Jasmineva" these days: That means there are only 2 degrees of separation between me and Brett Michaels. I can almost feel the herpes already!
Sorry to leave you hanging. December has been crazy busy. I've pretty much been on bridesmaid duty for Shannon's wedding all month. We had the bachelorette party and bridal shower on the same day two weekends ago. And then the wedding was this last weekend. Not much to report, other than I think it all went really well. Now I can focus on Christmas. Anyway, here's the only picture I have of me from the wedding (we forgot our camera).
So, my nephew's running for winter formal queen at his school. The way this came about is that some kids were being dumb and sending text messages saying to vote for him for winter queen. He told me about it and I told him about my friend Mike from high school who actually ran for prom queen. He thought it was hilarious and decided to turn the joke around on the kids and run for winter queen himself. He spent all evening yesterday texting his friends and making posters. Some of the posters said, "Vote Jesse for Queen - He's got the rocks to run" and "Jesse for Queen - he's strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman." Yes, he's quite a pip.
You guys remember Megan from Beauty and the Geek 2, Rock of Love 2, I Love Money, and Charm School: Rock of Love? Of course you do. One of the last things Megan said before she got booted from Charm School was that she didn't want a career, she just wanted to be a trophy wife. Well, I guess that gave the brilliant minds over at VH1 an idea for a new reality show. Basically, millionaires compete to make Megan their trophy wife. Fanstastic. I can't wait. Casting is going on now guys, so get on it if you want a shot with Megan!
We're back from our fabulous trip. All went well, except I got a little cold on day 8, which lasted until day 16, and Brian got crazy non-stop diarrhea as soon as we got to Hong Kong on Day 16. It lasted through the flight home on day 18 and didn't stop until about 2 days after we got home.
Remember our HIV primary care doctor? Well, he was nice enough to squeeze Brian in for an appointment the day before Thanksgiving. It turns out Brian had a parasite. Specifically, giardia. All is well now, but the doctor's visit is worth mentioning.
Brian asked if it was contagious. The doctor said, "No, not unless someone's licking your rectum. That may not be a concern for you, but you'd be surprised how common it is in the gay community." Em. Awesome. So yeah. Our doctor is pretty colorful. The HIV Primary Care rocks.
I think we're going to stick with him as our doctor. This is the second time he's impressed us with his super-smarts, and someone at work told me he's very highly regarded as a medical expert in the legal community. Plus, I get a funny story out of it every time either of us goes in. What's not to love?
I fainted this morning. I went to urgent care a few hours later and the urgent care doc freaked out b/c of my Marfan syndrome and put me in an ambulance to the ER. Now they're doing a bunch of tests. I better be able to go to China tomorrow...
I'm kinda bummed that we won't have anymore Sarah Palin SNL skits or Cindy McCain Onion articles. The satirists really outdid themselves this year. This is one I can't get out of my head everytime I see Cindy McCain:
It's too bad I already voted early. I know that that wily, conniving Obama totally planned it that way. Had I known all of this, I would have voted McCain/Palin all the way. There are 28 videos in total, but this is my favorite:
Incidentally, I finally got my "legal observer" assignment from the Obama campaign last night. I'll be spending my Halloween at an early voting location, watching for voter tampering/fraud. Hopefully, Nevada won't be the next Florida. So yeah. I get to hang out with angry McCain supporters on Halloween. Now that is scary.
So... Brian and I needed to go see a doctor for immunizations for our upcoming China trip. Since we just moved, I decided to find a new primary care doctor who took both of our insurance companies and was near our new house. So I found a doctor who fit the bill and made an appointment.
So... the receptionist there turns out to be this flamboyantly gay man-nurse. I didn't really think anything of it at first.
Then the guy sitting next to us in the waiting room starts having a really loud conversation with his boyfriend. Hmmm... now I'm suspicious.
I looked around and realized I was the only female in the packed lobby.
I started eyeing the men one by one for signs of gayness. One guy had on orange shoes and a matching orange shirt. Check, and check. Pretty much all of the guys in the room had something a little gay about them.
It was kinda freaking me out. It felt kinda like when I accidentally walk into Phillipino mass or Latin mass. I felt super out of place, like everyone was wondering what the heck I was doing there.
So when we got in to see the doctor, he looked really gay to me too. I don't know how to describe it. He just kinda had big gay hair and tapered gay pants. Also, his initial reaction to us was that we were both "young and beautiful, so there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with [us]." That sounded a little gay to me.
Then his phone rang. His ringtone was Enya, "Sail Away." Oh yeah, totally gay.
After we left, I asked Brian whether he noticed anything unusual in the doctor's office. Poor guy had no idea. He said he was just sitting there trying to figure out who was voting for McCain and who was voting for Obama.
When I got home, I Googled the doctor along with the word "gay." Sure enough, his office came up on tons of gay resource web sites. On one, it was listed as an HIV Primary Care Center. So... yeah....
Does it make me a bigot if I don't want to go to an HIV Primary Care Center for my primary care needs?
On the one hand, he was smart, and I felt like he knew what he was talking about. On the other hand, we don't have HIV and I'm wondering if the doctor was confused as to why we were there. Should I call him and ask if he only takes HIV patients exclusively?
So we drove to Phoenix this weekend to see Weezer. I gotta say, it was the best show I've ever seen a band play. Rivers Cuomo is seriously different. But that's what made the show so unique. It felt like performance art. Okay, so here's how it went down...
When the band first came out, they were wearing what looked like white, full-body, painter's uniforms. And Rivers Cuomo had what looked like pantyhose or some sort of bandage around his head, with only a small hole for part of his face in the middle. It was bizarro.
Then they unzipped those suits and came out in red Weezer tracksuits. Rivers Cuomo took off the head bandage to reveal long scraggly 70s hair and a porn moustache, straight out of the Beastie Boys' Sabotage video. He was tiny and skinny and hunched over a lot, and walked kind of like a T-Rex. Painfully nerdy but in a really endearing way.
During the show, he bounced around on a trampoline. During Hashpipe, he put on a green headband, completing the 70s fitness theme.
During El Scorcho, he mounted a bodyguard's shoulders and rode him around the audience. It was awesome.
For the encore, they brought out 35 random Weezer fans who had won the opportunity to play an instrument of their choosing at the show. So they did Island in the Sun & Beverly Hills with 35 random people of all ages playing trumpets, cellos, didgeridoo, xylophone, bongo drums, etc. It was badass.
For the second encore, a roadie set up a Weezer-themed record player on stage. He got out a vinyl Red Album and started playing Heart Songs. So there we were. A huge arena of Weezer fans sitting there listening to a Weezer record. It was odd. When the song referenced Nirvana's Nevermind, Rivers Cuomo came out, kicked over the record player and started playing Nirvana's "Sliver." You know, the one that goes, "Grandma take me home" over and over. It was amazing.
So yeah, the moral of the story is, Weezer puts on a fantasic show and I hope they go on tour again soon.
So Jesse has been trying very hard to raise his grade in Algebra. He got a rocky start, but he's been studying extra hard and going in early in the morning to do math problems with his teacher.
The other day, he heard someone say he could get extra credit in the class if he brought in boxes of Kleenex. 5 points per box is the going rate. He was told to keep it on the down-low because not everyone was supposed to know about it.
So he came home and asked us for Kleenex for extra credit. We said no because we don't think you should be able to buy a higher grade. Even if the currency is Kleenex.
After some investigation, we found out this is a very common practice amongst school teachers. Apparently, kids are very snotty and the district doesn't provide enough Kleenex, so the teachers usually have to bring in their own. So, potentially, you could look at it as extra credit for special "participation," for providing Kleenex for the class community. On the other hand, it's not going toward his citizenship grade, it's going toward his academic grade.
And now there's a new issue. The teacher told Jesse he could get extra credit for bringing in recyclables for the Senior class fundraiser. I'm more okay with this, since you don't have to buy recycling. You can pretty much find it in any trash. But it's still extra credit for something totally not related to Algebra.
So what's the right answer? Is there a lesson to be learned here? And, if so, is it worth getting a worked-for C instead of a paid-for B? Are we just ethics nazis?
****UPDATE**** Brian confronted the teacher with his extra credit policy and the teacher straight up denied, denied, denied. He admitted to "joking" with Jesse about getting extra credit for bringing in recyclables. That makes absolutely no sense. Why would a teacher kid about extra credit?
Charm School is going to have Heather, Brandy, Megan, Kristi Jo, Frenchy, Lacey and a bunch of other skanks from Rock of Love. I cannot wait.
As for the Pickup Artist, it's a good thing it's coming back because I was getting a little bit rusty on my pickup artist lingo. I-O-I, Pivot... what else was there??
If that's not enough human suffering to tickle your fancy, you may also want to check out Paris Hilton's My New BFF or else Exiled, the show where they take the spoiled brats from My Super Sweet Sixteen and torture them in a third world country. Yes, it is as delicious as it sounds.
Stop sending my bills in Spanish. I never asked you to switch me from English to Spanish billing. Just because I have a Spanish last name does not mean I prefer my bills in Spanish. Do you also send people with German last names bills in German and people with Greek last names bills in Greek? I doubt it. Please stop jumping to conclusions. Send my bills in English until otherwise directed. Thank you.
Remember before, how I told you about Pandora, the online radio site that creates a radio station based on the type of music that you like? Well, a few days ago I thought it might be fun to make an "Exposé" radio station. You know, the group behind such 80s dance hits as:
Come Go with Me Point of No Return Let Me Be the One Seasons Change, and I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me
Well, let me tell you, Exposé Radio is THE BEST STATION EVER!! I've been having an 80s latin-flavored dance party in my office every day for the last three days. Some of the featured songs have included:
When I Hear Music by Debbie Deb Let the Music Play by Shannen Fascinated by Company B (the one that goes "I'm fascinated by your love toy") In a Dream by Rockell I'll Be All You Ever Need by Trinere Some Kind of Lover by Jody Whatley Lost in Emotion by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam Head to Toe by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam In My House by the Mary Jane Girls Straight Up by Paula Abdul Every Little Step by Bobby Brown and If It Isn't Love by New Edition
OMG, those are all my favorite roller rink jams!!!!
Ok, so all the "no-kill" shelters in town are full, and we read a bunch of stuff online about how cat predators answer "free to good home" ads on Craig's List and then torture the kitties, and Enid absolutely loathes the backyard (she howls all night and stares at us lovingly through the sliding glass door), so... she's living in the garage now.
Our cat Enid has not taken well to the new house. She doesn't like the new Cat Genie, so she's been peeing all over her cat area and pooping on the rug directly in front of the catbox. In addition, she's figured out how to get out of her cat corral, so she's started peeing in our living areas too. She also stays up all night howling and yelping. She's obviously not happy.
Rather than spend more money and energy trying to accommodate her further, we've decided to get rid of her. One lady who loves special needs cats expressed interest, but backed out later. We called all of the no-kill shelters in town, but they were all full.
Then yesterday morning, Brian came up and said, "Enid is officially an outside kitty." She had once again escaped from her cat corral and peed all over the house: under the couch, under the table, all over the kitchen. It was a pee-bath. So he put her outside. It broke our hearts, but it's what had to be done. We were all miserable with her in the house.
So far, she doesn't like being an outside cat. She sits outside the sliding glass doors and stares at us. Sometimes she yelps and cries. When she's not staring us down, she's hiding behind a bush. The good news, I suppose, is that she hasn't run away.
So yeah. If you want a fat, crazy, smelly cat that poops and pees in inappropriate places, let us know.
The people we bought the house from had a garden gnome in the front yard. We were hoping they'd leave it when they moved, but, alas, they took it with them. My good friend Vanessa was very thoughtful and got me one as a housewarming present. I was so excited to put it outside. It was the perfect accessory for my lovely front yard. Every time I came home to the gnome, it made me smile.
Well, then some little fuc$er stole it. I see now why homeowners hate kids. I agree with the mayor that vandals should have their thumbs chopped off. Bastards.
Anyway... my birthday is in about a month, and I will gladly accept happy garden gnomes for my padlocked back yard.
I love it when people tell me what the law is. The other day, this idiot working at Dillard's told me I couldn't take more than 4 items into the dressing room at once. She said it was against the law to do so. I asked her, "What law?" She couldn't answer. I asked her, "What chapter of the NRS pertains to fitting rooms?" She couldn't answer. I asked her if she meant to say it violated "Dillard's law." She said yes. I then explained to her the difference between state law and store policy. And I took 8 items into the dressing room. Oh, and I didn't get arrested.
I didn't wear my top retainer in high school, so my teeth are crooked now. (The discoloration on my front tooth is a result of my brother throwing a rock at me as a kid.) If I want straight teeth again, I have to get braces for a year. The cost is $3,000. I'm 30-years-old. Would you do it if you were me?
We're going to be in Chicago for a wedding the weekend of Sep. 5-7. Anyone have any good ideas for fun stuff to do while we're there? We've already been to most of the museums, so we probably can skip those. We're thinking of going to Second City. Any other ideas?
The last 30 days have been absolutely crazy. I don't think I've watched more than an hour or two of TV the whole month. Those that know me know that's insane for me.
We closed on the house July 31st. So the whole week before that was spent dealing with appraisals, repairs, final walk-throughs, and contracts contracts contracts.
Since then, we've been packing, having utitlities switched, having hardwood floors put into the new place, having built-ins built, picking paint colors, painting, picking furniture, picking and moving mattresses, building furniture, waiting for stuff to be delivered, finding a pool guy, getting Jesse's immunizations, having his saxaphone repaired, buying school supplies, figuring out bus routes, etc. etc. etc. IT'S BEEN FREAKING CRAZY.
We finally had our big move-in day this past Saturday. And Jesse had his big first day of high school yesterday. The stressful days will continue for at least the next 30 days, I'm sure. We have to get our old place ready to sell and unpack at our new place. But at least we're halfway there now.
We brought the cats over to the new place last night too. That didn't go so well. Moka was so stressed during the car ride over, he wet himself in his cat carrier. So we had to dunk him in the tub almost immediately. Not a good way to spend his first hour at the new place. Poor traumatized kitty.
The cats are at home alone right now. I'm kind of scared to see what happens when I get home.
Brian and I went down to rent a minivan this morning (so that we could haul a bunch of furniture back from Ikea). When we got there, they told us we couldn't rent a car with just a credit card and a photo ID -- we also needed a power bill showing we lived at the address on our ID's. Gee, thanks for failing to mention this when I made my reservation over the phone. They also informed us that the policy applied only to locals. Had we flashed an Oklahoma ID, we would've gotten out of there without a hitch.
So the lady asks, "Is there anyone at your house who can fax a copy of your power bill?" We were like, "Yeah, we'll have our home secretary get right on that.". What the heck is that? We would've loved to have walked away, but we had to get on the road and all the other rental places had huge lines.
They ended up accepting our car insurance card as proof, but only after a huge rigamarole involving three separate bonehead clerks. One attempted to justify the policy by explaining that locals are.transients. He tried to prove his point by asking Brian whether he was born and raised in Vegas. Unfortunately for the guy, Brian answered yes to both. So pretty much all he succeeded in doing was offending us even further. I was livid and went off on the guy. Am I missing something, or is this policy totally f'in lame? They are totally getting a nasty-gram from me.
I guess Amazon.com censors the notes you send with gifts. We found out the hard way. Some of my college girlfriends and I got together to send our friend Maggie a car seat for her baby shower. Maggie got pregnant with her second child after she forgot to take her birth control pill. Here's what our intended card said:
Effective birthcontrol methods: Up the butt; Throwing it on your face; Swallowing; Taking your pill everyday.
Way to go whore.
-Happy baby from your bitches (Claudia, Erica, Jeanny & Leslie)
I have no idea why we got censored. There weren't even any curse words.
I was making small talk with a guy the other day and he asked if I had seen the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. I told him I hadn't. He said it was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen, and that it should win an Academy Award.
That would be interesting, I thought. If the Academy Awards left one category open for just the coolest thing of the year -- any format. I would nominate this crazy ride at Legoland that looks like a giant robotic arm that throws people around. It's one of the coolest things I've ever seen. What's the most random thing you can think of to get an Academy Award?
So my mom hates Barack Obama. She pretty much thinks he's a terrorist. She was planning on voting for either McCain or not at all. She, however, LOVES herself some Hillary Clinton. She thinks Hillary is "the number one woman" ever. So when I heard Hillary was going to be in town campaigning for Obama, right across the street from my house, I just had to find a way to get my mom down there.
I really thought she was gonna get pissed when she saw the Obama signs. Here's my mom at an Obama rally... a picture I never thought I'd see. (The roses are for Hillary.)And here's her with her girlfriend Hillary: With all the crowd's excitement over Obama, and with Dina Titus and Hillary Clinton telling my mom to vote for him, my mom got swept up. She clapped when they talked about Obama being president. I couldn't believe my eyes.
So now my mom is voting for Barack. It's not all wine and roses though. I found out later that she actually thinks he'll be assassinated and Hillary will get the white house that way. Whatever. As long as she votes Democrat.
Last night, I was crawling into bed when I noticed my side of the bed was wet. I moved the blanket and noticed my Burberry perfume bottle was part of the wet mess. Oh no, did it leak onto the bed? I picked up the bottle and sniffed it. Hmmm.... no powerful perfume smell. What could it be? Not having the best sense of smell, I woke up Brian to help me investigate. He confirmed immediately that it was cat piss. Enid strikes again.
Stupid cat. She picked the wrong time to piss on the bed. We're looking at $2,000-$4,000 mattresses to take to the new place right now. Essentially, we're at a cross roads. Do we take the retarded cat with us to the new place or send her to the glue factory?
Brian is terribly upset by the thought of giving her up. He keeps saying that it's like having a retarded kid. We just have an obligation to deal with it. But I disagree. She's a pet, not a human, and we've given her a great life for more than 7 years. Even our vet told us that most people would not keep a cat with so many behavioral problems. Besides, I think she'd get adopted right away anyway. She's very beautiful, and she might do better in a home with no children and no other cats. That's my theory anyway.
So that's where we're at. Should she stay or should she go?
This was our 5th Comic-Con experience, and I think it was our best. The crowds were still CRAZY, but this year we were ready for them, so it wasn't as bad.
Celebrity-wise, it was a super successful deal. I got tickets to meet Tori Amos first thing Thursday morning. Funny thing is, I didn't bother using them. They were for Saturday, and we had already planned to go to Legoland. Plus, I already met her 1.5 times before, and I already have tons of autographed stuff by her, including an autographed copy of her new comic book, so I decided to give Tori a miss. Can you believe it?
Here are the stars we did see: Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan were there promoting the new Red Sonja. R.R. kept looking over at me while I was in line. I think he wanted to leave Rose for me like he did his first wife for Rose. We didn't have much time to chat though. The line was insane and they rushed me past. Just had time to grab a signed poster, snap a pic, and go. I swear they posed for me a lot better than this, my camera is just stupid and never takes the picture at the right time. We stopped by to see a panel for Guy Ritchie's new movie, Rocknrolla. The panel featured Jeremy Piven, Gerard Butler, Joel Silver, Ludacris, and Guy Ritchie. Gerard Butler was super cute and funny. During the Saturday TV Funhouse panel, we ran into these guys, Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel from Best Week Ever and Human Giant. They were really nice and let us take lots of pics. This was probably the most unexpected celebrity sighting of all. Paris Hilton was there promoting this campy goth rock opera called Repo: The Genetic Opera. Yeah, she sings, and she's all gothed out, so it's really random. Even more random is that the little girl from Spy Kids is in it too. And, like I said before, I won a lottery and got to meet the whole cast of Dr. Horrible, including the writers and director Joss Whedon: And I got my Captain Hammer T-shirt signed by the whole cast. Woo-hoo!
The fun didn't stop at Comic-Con. We spotted Jennifer Connelly, Paul Bettany, and their kids at Legoland on Saturday. We also spotted a 5-months-pregnant Allison Sweeney, host of the Biggest Loser. She was having a huge fight with her husband, so we didn't bother them. All in all, a very fun, celebrity-packed weekend!
I was in court this morning waiting for my case to be called, and in walked Hunter Tylo. I guess she's suing the therapist who treated her 19-year-old son for a seizure disorder with acupuncture and holistic medicine. He had a seizure, fell into the family pool and drowned last year.
This courtroom is one of the most boring places in the world I can think of, so it definitely made things a little more interesting. She was prettier in person than in pictures. Anyway, it was kinda random to see her there.
Ok, so there's this thing. It's like a Youtube video, but it's got real actors in it, and it's a musical. And it's directed by Joss Whedon and it stars Neil Patrick Harris. It takes a few minutes to get going, but once it does, it's pretty funny. Especially Episode 2. Go check it out. I guess the next episode comes out Saturday, so that'll be cool.
My co-worker just told me I looked anorexic. Of course, this is the same guy that told my other co-worker she looked fat. I think it's equally rude to say either.
Anyway, I don't think I look anorexic. I think I have a medical condition that prevents me from storing fat on my arms and legs, but not in my ass and stomach. So now that I've lost my ass and stomach fat, people think I'm anorexic, but I'm not. Just fit for my body type, which will always be tall and lanky.
I've cut back on TV a whole lot. In fact, I pretty much only watch one show exclusively. All the time. I think I'm addicted. It's called Intervention.
Each episode is pretty much the same. Basically, it shows addicts at their lowest lows. All kinds of addicts: bulimics, anorexics, alcoholics, crackheads, heroin addicts, meth addicts, gambling addicts, sex addicts, plastic surgery addicts, shopping addicts, pill poppers, etc.
It's usually some crazy ass sh*t I never imagined, like bulimics storing 30 pounds of vomit in ziplock bags in their closet, or anorexics "chewing and spitting" and surviving on 100 calories a day. Or, like, straight guys prostituting themselves for drug money or cleaning their syringes out in fast food toilets. Just crazy, unfathomable, rock-bottom type stuff.
So then it tells their childhood story. Usually some horrible thing happened to them that explains why they're so hellbent on numbing the pain.
Then the family stages an elaborate trap in order to surprise the addict (pretty much they tell them they're going to the Howard Johnson by the airport to tape their final interview - works every time, believe it or not). Then they all read letters telling him/her how messed up he/she is and threatening to disown him/her if he/she doesn't go to treatment. The addict usually wines and cries and yells. Then my favorite interventionist, Jeff VanVonderon does a Jedi mind trick, which convinces the addict to go to treatment (I've never seen that badass lose even one). Then the addict is immediately whisked away to a treatment center across the country.
Then comes the best part: the update. Brian acts like he doesn't like the show, but I know he enjoys guessing whether they'll even go to treatment and whether they'll relapse or stay sober. I'm no good at predicting the outcome. Even after having watched 75-100 episodes, I still can't tell who's going to succeed. But it's fun guessing nonetheless. Some of the transformations are amazing. It's pretty much the best makeover show ever. You should totally watch it.
I watch at least one episode a night on the Tivo. And I go online to read the most recent updates. I'm warning you though. If you ever ask me to meet you at the HoJo by the airport, I ain't goin'... unless Jeff VanVonderon is my interventionist. Then I'm totally there.
I heard this story on NPR yesterday about how high gas prices are forcing people to trade in their SUV's at dirt cheap prices. One guy bought his SUV not too long ago for $30,000. The used car dealership is offering him $11,000 for it. Then there's the guy who bought a Cadillac Escalade last year for $70,000. The dealership is offering him $31,000 for it now.
My first instinct was to laugh. Stupid people paying the consequences for stupid choices -- what better form of justice is there? Who buys a $70,000 car that gets 13 miles to the gallon anyway?
But then Brian made me feel guilty by saying it wasn't right to act superior. There was also another news story on immediately after saying we humans aren't designed to make good financial decisions anyway. I don't know. Sounds like a whole lot of rationalization to me.
Why can't I gloat about my old, paid off, economical Honda? They've been gloating about their ridiculously huge, over-priced, gas-guzzling, 2-parking-space-hogging, blind-spot-ridden, top-heavy SUV's for years. Not that I'm bitter. Whatever. I'm okay paying an extra $20 a month on gas so that I don't have to deal with as many of these monster trucks on the road.
One good point of the article was that these people might be taking a $40,000 hit, when, if they sat down and calculated it, the gas hit might only be like $1,000 a year. There they go again, making dumb-dumb decisions.
This made me ROFL! My friend Erica forwarded me this hilarious audio clip called Dmitri the Stud. I couldn't figure out how to put a windows media file on this blog, so I just searched YouTube and, voila! There it was, complete with a creative little slide show. I can't stop laughing when I hear this. Allegedly some chick gave this guy her number and these are the messages he left her.
My baby nephew Andrew came over last night. He's so cute, I could just eat him up like a cupcake. Anyway, he's 3-years-old, and he's constantly saying the cutest, most clever stuff. Last night, he saw pictures of Moka and Enid on our shelf and said - "That's a picture of Moka. That's a picture of the white one too." I asked him, "What's the white one's name?" And he said, "The bad one." I did not correct him.
I have to admit. I was kind of excited to see Lady Hector at the gym tonight. We call her that because she's built like our building super at work, Hector.
So we were all excited for Lady Hector tonight, and then she didn't show. A few minutes into the class, the instructor remarked that Maria (aka Lady Hector) wasn't there to entertain the class tonight. Everyone immediately broke into laughter. Oh what a relief to finally talk about the pink elephant in the room. He was just so stoic when she was freaking on him last week. I was like, "Am I the only one seeing this?"
Anyway, I felt so inspired by Lady Hector's absent spirit that I threw down my weights and did a little hip-thrust, freak dance right there in front of the whole class. I know they appreciated it, because they laughed and laughed. One lady came up to me after class and complimented me on my Lady Hector impression. The first-timers must have thought I was just some random bat sh*t crazy tall lady who liked to randomly break out into sexy dance during the bicep portion of the class. They probably complained about me to the people at the front desk. I fully expect to be asked to leave at the beginning of next week's class.
We went and saw Wall-E last night. I wasn't really excited to go see it, but it got good reviews and Brian wanted to go, so I said why not. Are you ready to hear the whole script of the movie? Here goes:
And that's about it. Oh, wait. I mean, repeat 100 more times. Maybe I've just had my fill of lovable cartoon movies this summer. Maybe I set my expectations too high by reading good reviews right before going. Maybe I was just incensed by the repetitious dialogue. All I know is that I thought it was just okay. Not worth the hype. Not nearly as good as Kung Fu Panda, Iron Man, or Incredible Hulk. Final grade: B.
So there's this crazy lady that comes to one of my weightlifting classes and, instead of weightlifting, just does crazy, random sh*t the whole time. Before I explain, let me first paint the picture.
She's a short Latina lady in her mid to late 50's who wears a do-rag on her head and enough black eye makeup to make mine look natural. Last week, she wore a fishnet catsuit with black socks and sneakers. This week, she wore bright orange short-shorts over black leggings.
So here's what she does. While we're all concentrating on slowly doing our bicep curls, she puts her weights down and starts ghetto humping the air. I mean, really shaking her money-maker. Like a stripper gone horribly, horribly wrong. I cannot begin to describe how odd this is when juxtaposed with the weightlifting.
She also walks around the room (while everyone else is stationary), goes up and freaks on the instructor, steals the instructor's weights, tries to carry on unsolicited conversations with him during class, and does every random exercise in the book other than the one the instructor is teaching. Then she dances some more. So distracting...
Last night I was with two co-workers who had to face the sidewall in order to finish their sets without laughing. As we were leaving, another lady said something about the crazy lady being a distraction. My friend suggested we complain, since attendance in the class seemed to be dwindling and we didn't want the class to get cancelled. So we told the lady at the front desk, who didn't seem to appreciate the magnitude of the problem. So I just felt guilty afterword for saying anything at all.
Why should we care that this free spirit is doing her own thing? Well... because it's really f'ing distracting, and it's a group weightlifting class, that's why. It's not solo stripper-cise. And now one of my co-workers won't go back to the class because she can't focus on the exercises. I haven't decided yet whether I'll go back. It's like choosing whether to go to the grocery store with the crazy, homeless person versus the clean, quiet one a little further away. Even if the crazy person is harmless, you'd just rather not deal with it.
I keep going back and forth about it. Were we wrong for complaining? Should we have just minded our own business and faced the wall? Should we go back next week? What's the right thing to do here?
Last night, Alexis, Shannon, Vanessa, and I went out and saw Sarah Silverman. This was my third time. We had a good time overall, but I think this is going to be my last Sarah Silverman show for a while. She just does too many of the same jokes. If you want to see the pics from last night, click here.
The cool thing this time was that we were front row center, so we got to see a lot more of her performance and interact with her. When she first came out, she saw me taking pictures (no flash) and she posed for me. So that was really cute.
And one time I yelled out, "I love you Sarah!" and she was like, "Thanks, but I'm standing right here, you don't really have to yell."
And then a little while later, she sweated me for taking so many pictures. It doesn't take much to derail her train of thought, and I think it was distracting her, so she posed, I took my last 2 pics, and that was it.
A little while later, some heckler derailed her train of thought again, and she said the heckler was her friend "Michelle," but she refused to finish her joke because Michelle had thrown her off. So everyone was cheering for her to finish the joke, and when it became clear she wasn't going to, I yelled, "F- you, Michelle!" and she laughed. So that was kinda neat.
She interacted a lot with Vanessa too. I don't remember the exchanges though. Too self-absorbed I guess.
I always suspected she used notes on the stool she keeps next to her, but now that we were really close, we got to see the incriminating evidence up close. Also, she got way more thrown-off this time, and almost just, like, gave up at the end. So although she was as cute as ever, she didn't put on a super-fantastic show. I hate to say it.
We put an offer in on a house last night. It's so nerve-racking! It's a foreclosure, so there are multiple bids. You don't know what other people are bidding and you don't know whether your offer is good enough until it gets rejected and someone else's gets accepted. We're totally psyching ourselves out. Should we go $20k more? $40k more? Are we just overthinking it and throwing money away or is there another couple who wants an old house with a pool and an open floor plan in that area as bad as we do? So scary...
Anyway, here's a bad picture of the house at issue. The street view on google maps is way better. Email me and I'll give you the address. I don't want to post it here.
So last Saturday we went to the lake with Brian's boss and coworkers. The day before, I was still pale white, so I had to do something to get my tan on. I went to Neon Sun and used one of the high-pressure beds to get as tan as possible in 24 hours. That wasn't enough, so I got a spray tan too. The backs of my ankles had streaks from that though, so I got some Aveeno lotion with self tanner to even it out. Despite all my efforts, I still wasn't tan out at the lake. After a long day of fun in the sun, I finally got my tan (I applied sunscreen twice). My prized George Hamilton has held up all week. I'm not going to go all tanning bed crazy or anything. I might keep up the Aveeno and the spray tan, but that's about it.
This is a picture of the bathroom lines during the intermission of Video Games Live (where the Las Vegas Philharmonic played the music of dozens of popular video games). The door on the right is the men's bathrooom. The door on the left is the women's bathroom. Notice there are only 3 women in line for the women's bathroom...
I'm a little slow on the uptake - Brian and Jesse have been talking about this site called Pandora for weeks. It's based on the Genome Music Project. Basically, it's an online radio station that plays the music you choose and suggests new music based on what you like. I have a Tori Amos Station, a Weezer station, and a Dresden Dolls station, and, I must say, they're all very good. Try it out if you're looking for a simple way to find new music.
Just got back from seeing a sneak preview of the new Hulk movie starring Ed Norton. Not to get your hopes up or anything, but it was really really really freakin' awesome.
First of all, the casting was spot on. Not sure if it was the casting director or the film director that had a thing for 90's stars, but obviously one of them did. The movie starred 90's video vixen Liv Tyler; Quentin Tarantino favorite Tim Roth (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms); and, of course, Ed Norton (Primal Fear, Fight Club, People vs. Larry Flynt, American History X). Maybe I'm just in the target marketing demographic for 90s casting, but I honestly thought the choices were bold and brilliant.
As far as the director goes, I've never heard of the guy before, but I must say I'm impressed. I guess he's French and he directed The Transporter. And that's about it. Surprising that they gave him such a huge film, but obviously somebody knew he'd do it justice, cuz he did good. He definitely kicked Ang Lee's ass with this one.
And did you know Ed Norton co-wrote the screenplay? So freakin' hot.
I'm calling an Oscar for best sound editing and sound effects right now.
So yeah, it was really good. Good script, good action, good characters, good casting. I won't say anything more. Just go see it.
I've been seeing an assload of movies lately. Thursday we saw an advance screening of You Don't Mess with the Zohan. It was super silly, but very funny. I enjoyed it. Don't go in with high expectations and you will be amused. Final grade: B.
Friday we went and saw Kung Fu Panda. That was also pretty good... not that I'm into cartoons or anything, I'm just saying... classic underdog tales are just good, that's all. Final grade: B+.
Last weekend I saw Sex and the City. I really enjoyed it. It was total female fantasy fulfillment. All the women had great careers, great homes, great clothes, great friends, and an endless supply of money. So it was a lot of fun. Like Iron Man was for the boys. I also really enjoyed it because it felt like hanging out with old friends. I totally have an emotional connection to those characters. Anyway, you'll love this movie, as long as you're a chick. Final grade: A-.
Tomorrow we're seeing an advance screening of the new Hulk. I'll report back on how Ed Norton does. I expect he'll be fabulous though. Is it me, or is he always typecast as the Jekyl/Mr. Hyde guy?
My weigh-in today went BAD, BAD, BAD. I gained 2.8 pounds. Let that be a lesson to you. Villa Pizza is as horribly bad for you as you think it is. Current weight: 174.6. Total weight loss to date: 24.8 pounds.
I had a dream this morning that Brian turned into a vampire and wanted to kill me. He had his hands around my throat at one point, trying to kill me or pin me or something, and I looked at him and said, "I know the real Brian is in there somewhere, and I know he would never kill me." The real Brian then came through for a second and fought off the vampire urge to kill me. He let me go and told me to run away. He couldn't hold off his homicidal urges for very long.
As I ran for the door, I realized that me escaping was no resolution at all. I would never see him again. So I went back and told him to just kill me - that I'd rather be dead than be away from him. He then grabbed me from behind. As I was standing there waiting for him to rip out my throat, his grip turned into an embrace and he turned human again. Seeing as how I was all prepared to die and everything, I was kind of surprised. I was like, "Wait a sec, did our love just cure you?" and Brian was all, "Yeah, I guess so." And then we were all happy and made out.
I rocked the house at Weightwatchers this week. I lost 3.2 pounds, which more than made up for the 2.4 pound weight-gain from last time. That brings my weight down to 171.8 pounds, and my total weight loss to 27.6 pounds. It's exactly where I want to be - somewhere between 170-174.
This past weekend I went to Phoenix and went shopping for pants for the first time since I started losing weight. I went from a size 16 pants (nearing an 18) to a size 12 regular/11 junior. Kickass.
Also, I'm feeling really good about maintaining. I haven't tracked my food now in nearly 9 weeks. And I've been off the BodyBugg for 4 days. The training wheels are officially off and I'm doing fine. I now know by heart how much exercise I have to get in order to keep eating the crap I like without gaining weight. I can totally live like this and still be happy.
Have you heard the good news? VH1 is working on Charm School 2, starring girls from both seasons of Rock of Love. It's rumored that they've got Heather, Lacey, Daisy, Angelique, and Kristy Jo signed on. How skank-errific is that??
After my work thing last week in Tahoe, I stayed a few extra days in Reno to see my college girlfriends. I stayed with my friend Erica. About 3 days after I returned home, Erica emailed me to say thanks for the tip about getting Leslie a "drilldo" for her birthday. I didn't know what the heck she was talking about, so I just ignored it. Later, she left me a voicemail with the same message. Now I was curious. WTF was she talking about? And WTF is a drilldo?
It turns out someone had programmed a calendar alert in her iPhone so that Tuesday at 10am, while she was going about her normal work day at the insurance company, her phone would buzz reminding her it was time to buy our friend Leslie a drilldo for her birthday. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! She said she had asked Leslie (also an iPhone user) if she had done it, and Leslie said no, so she figured it was me, since no one else with access to her phone would know how to program a calendar alert.
It started to jog my memory. I do remember messing with her phone. And I do remember wanting to put something on her to-do list. Then thinking it would be funnier if it was in the form of an alert. And if it went off in the middle of a normal work-day. But I've never ever heard of a drilldo. Why would I have put that?
The more I thought about it, the more it came back to me. I had intended to type "dildo," but the autocorrect on the phone changed it to "drill." Erica was sitting right next to me when I did it, so I just added "do" to the end of it and gave her back her phone, thinking that was ever funnier. That's not where the story ends though.
The next day, I called Leslie to tell her the funny story and she now insisted that she was the one that typed in the alert, and that I had conjured up the memory in my mind. Holy crap, was I confused. Did I or didn't I? Was it a real memory or a mental concoction? In the end, I decided that Leslie was just messing with me and that I had in fact done it and forgotten about it, then remembered later. She still swears she did it, but I really think she's just evil and taking advantage of my horrible memory. Anyway, here's your reward for reading to the end of this story.
I'm now officially a lifetime Weightwatchers member. That means I get to go to any meeting I want anywhere I want for free for the rest of my life, as long I don't go more than 2 lbs over my goal weight. I'm about 2 pounds below it right now, which is a little too close for comfort, but whatever, I can't complain. I'm still below my goal. :-)
The bad news is I'm still having trouble maintaining. I gained 2.4 pounds this week. It's no mystery why. I was sick and didn't work out for a full week. Plus, I was in Tahoe for a work thing for most of the week, so I ate out and horribly every day. Being sick is the one "red light emotion" I have to worry about. Red light emotions are those that make you turn to food for comfort. I'm not really an emotional person, so it's not an issue for me most of the time (except for maybe boredom), but the one time I have noticed that I get all crazy with food is when I'm sick.
This week, BBQ brisket sandwiches and fries have been my downfall (twice). Plus, loaded up nachos, pasta, pizza, churros, Baskin Robbins Rocky Road (twice), and strawberry french toast. Maybe I would have been able to handle it had I been working out, but the food coupled with the inactivity yielded me two and a half pounds. I'm feeling better now though, and I've made it to the gym all but one day this week, so hopefully this week will be better. Total weight loss so far = 24.4 lbs.
My goal is to stay at the weight I'm at. It's proving to be very difficult. I lost another 1.4 pounds today. People do not feel bad for me and don't want to hear me complain, so I won't. I'll just be happy that I'm only one week away from becoming a "lifetime" Weightwatchers member and leave it at that*. Total weight loss so far: 26.8 pounds.
* If you think I'm not eating enough, here's a samplng of this week's menu: A chai tea latte every day; all-you-can-eat Brazilian steak Friday night; brownies and Fritos before dinner Saturday night; steak chili; cheddar chicken with black beans; sushi; steak and potatoes; movie popcorn; sour Skittles; and an avocado and pepperjack chicken sandwich. That's in addition to the yogurt, fruit, Fiber 1 bars, and salad that I eat repeatedly throughout the day. It has to be all the working out (which I refuse to cut back on).
Brian has a strict "no horn" policy in his car. Every time somebody cuts him off or nearly hits him while I'm in the passenger seat, I reach for his horn because I know he will never honk it himself. He's always able to fight me off before I can honk it though.
In my car, it's a different story. It's not that I'm a liberal horn-honker. I'm just not afraid to use it in non-emegency situations to communicate my distaste for what other drivers are doing.
So last night, I'm driving home from seeing Ironman (which freakin' ROCKED, btw), and I'm trying to merge onto the freeway, but this guy won't let me on. Well, my lane is about to let me right back off the freeway, so I slam my brakes and merge behind the guy at the last possible second. In a mini-exercise of wrath (a total sin, mind you), I honked my horn. Unfortunately, it got stuck.
I slowed way down hoping to lose the guy I had just honked at. The last thing I needed was for him to shoot me for laying on my horn. I proceeded to slap and punch my steering wheel in an effort to get it to stop honking. This continued for the next 15 miles. Instead of going home and waking up my neighbors at 10 o'clock at night, I pulled into a parking lot to see if I could fix the problem.
I turned the car on and off, and nothing. I got out and kicked the steering wheel, and nothing. The sound blared on and on. So agitating. So embarassing. Straight out of Little Miss Sunshine. I looked in the owner's manual, and there was nothing about the horn getting stuck. I called Brian to come help, then called Triple A to see if they could help (having to yell over my deafening horn for the lady to hear what I was calling about).
While I sat there waiting, people kept driving by and slowing down to see why I was honking my horn. Was I slumped over the wheel? In need of help? Stealing a car? I just waved them on by. Nothing to see here, keep moving along people.
Forty minutes after it started, Brian managed to get it to stop. (My hero.) Although I was tempted to test the horn to see if it would get stuck again, I resisted. I've learned my lesson. I have now implemented a strict "no horn" policy in my car as well.
Jeanny and I went and worked out Saturday morning while I was in Reno this last weekend. (It was a last minute work thing.) Anyway, here's her looking adorable and pregnant in her workout gear. She weighs half as much as me, is 5.5 months pregnant, and she still did heavier weights than I did. She kicks butt!!
Brian and I are doing to AFAN AIDS Walk on Sunday. Brian designed the ad campaign and worked on the commercial with Penn and Teller, so that's how we got involved. I've raised $618.99 so far, which is WAY MORE than I ever thought I would raise. Thanks to everyone who donated. You kick butt. If you want to donate, please visit my personal pledge page. Thanks!!
Oh, and I forgot the whole point of my last post was to say that I lost 1.4 pounds this week, which puts me back at 174 pounds. That was shocking to me, considering I ate pretty unrestrained while I was in Chicago, including Chicago-style stuffed pizza, Thai food, breakfast sandwiches, and more pizza. Nevermind the fact that I bumped my head on the airport shuttle and needed some comfort food for the pain. Yesterday, I went straight from the doctor's office to the Taco Bell drive-thru for my first Mexican Pizza in 6 months. It was heavenly.
My theory is that this is just the result from two weeks ago when I was actually being good. I have noticed that I have a delay in my weight-loss sometimes. So next week I expect that I'll pay for my Chicago indiscretions. That's cool though. I have a 5-pound cushion before I get too fat to make my "lifetime member" status. Total weight loss so far: 25.4 pounds.
We got back from Chicago Sunday night. Jesse's play was fantastic. He was fantastic. All the other 12 and 13-year-olds were all shy and quiet and scared, but Jesse was all charisma. Nice and loud and funny the whole time. The crowd laughed every time he came out. He was really committed to the role. Playing it up and everything. Great job, honey!
The rest of the trip was cool. I'm super gay for Frank Lloyd Wright, so we went by his original house and studio in Oak Park. He also designed like 10 of the houses in that neighborhood, which were absolutely beautiful. Because it was his very first house that he built when he was young and poor, it was not that impressive. Not nearly as cool as the house he died in 70 years later - Taliesin West in Scottsdale, AZ, which I saw back in December. That house was amazing. But it was still pretty cool. I can happily cross it off my "100 things to do before I die" list.
Sunday we went to the Art Institute and then home. We stayed the weekend with our friends Yasmien and Chris, who were phenomenal hosts. We're planning on going back in the early fall for their wedding. All in all, a very nice weekend.
We're leaving super early tomorrow morning for Chicago to see Jesse's stage debut. He's got a lead role (Nathan Detroit) in Guys and Dolls. I can't wait to see it. I am such a ridiculous stage auntie already. The weather is supposed to be sh*t, but I'm still excited.