Monday, April 02, 2007

Excuse me, could you tell me what planet I'm on?

You all know I hate to get all political n' shi*, but I just learned a very troubling bit of information that cannot go unaddressed. APPARENTLY, Domino's Pizza no longer carries crushed red pepper or parmesan cheese. No seriously.

They said they haven't carried them for over a year. Are they freaking kidding me? That's like McDonald's deciding they're just going to go ahead and not carry ketchup for their fries. Or Taco Bell deciding to give hot sauce a miss this year. I'm just going to come out and say it: that's totally freakin' lame.

This injustice calls for a major organized response. Much like in college, when the stoners rose from their hazy dorm rooms in protest of the generic Lucky Charms being served in the dining commons, I'm asking the parmesan and crushed red pepper lovers out there to rise up in protest of this atrocity. If the stoners can get real Lucky Charms back into the DC, we can get our condiments back into the Domino's Pizzas of America. Just think. If this ridiculous cost-cutting measure isn't quelled now, it could spread and inspire other tasty, low-cost pizza chains to do the same. We can't let that happen. "Rise up in the cafeterias and stab them with your plastic forks!!"*

Here is a link to the Domino's Pizza online complaint form. If you are as outraged as I am, please take a moment to make your voice heard. Here is a sample letter you can cut and paste into the form:

Dear Sir/Madame: I just learned that you no longer carry parmesan cheese or crushed red pepper in your store for your pizzas. That's like McDonald's not carrying ketchup for their fries or Taco Bell not carrying hot sauce for their tacos. Or like an airline choosing not to pass out peanuts. It may save your company money, but that money is saved at the expense of your red-pepper and parmesan-loving customers. I personally cannot eat pizza without crushed red peppers on it. Until they are returned to your stores, I will take my business elsewhere. Thank you for taking the time to read my complaint.

Remember the words of Cesar Chavez: Si se puede!!

* From Pump Up the Volume, circa 1990.


Randi said...

i don't even like dominos, but I filled out the complaint form with your sample letter just for the belief that pizza should not and will not be eaten without crushed red peppers....

Shannon said...

And to think, for so long I'd forgotten to request it! How could I ever forsake the red pepper!

brianfelgar said...

I think this is one of those "money talks" situations. Here's a letter that might actually get something done:

Dear Pizza Hut Vice President of Kneecapping the Competition:

Did you hear Domino's stopped giving out crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese? This capricious and irresponsible new policy is an outrage. We of the pizza-buying community rely on those packets of crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese. What will become of the menu drawer condiment stockpiles of this great land? They will wither and fade away, like the hopes and dreams of our children. Do you want to live in a country in which our children simply can't get enough crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese when they need them? I know I don't.

But all is not lost. You, Pizza Hut, can save us from a nightmare dystopian future in which access to these precious, spicy resources are forever in question. You should initiate a policy of handing out extra crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese when you deliver, and make sure to tell people about how it's against your corporate principles to make people eat pizza without crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese, and that any company who does is probably run by terrorists.

But why stop there? You should make a new pizza with crushed red peppers and parmesan cheese as a topping for all the crushed-red-pepper-and-parmesan-cheese-loving patriots in this great country. Get on board the Crushed Red Pepper and Parmesan Cheese Freedom Express today, and you'll be eating the competition's lunch until next Wednesday.

This is your chance, Pizza Hut. I can feel the hatred swelling within you. Take advantage of this lapse in judgement by your foe. Strike down Domino's and your journey to low-margin discount pizza delivery supremacy will be complete.

(Your name)
Member, Institute for American Crushed Red Pepper and Parmesan Cheese Consumer Rights

See, the moment Domino's thinks Pizza Hut has an endorsement from the IACRPPCCR, and that other condiment-related consumer action groups will no doubt fall in line, they'll totally bring back the peppers. They won't be able to afford not to.

Cladeedah said...

That's why I love him. :-)

Shawna said...

You guys are too funny!

These letters remind me of a book I once read. The book is called: "Letters from a Nut"

It's a book of letters that one man wrote (just like yours) to large companies to complain or ask silly questions and the companies lame ass responses back to him,

Allison said...

you know, you can buy red pepper flakes and parmesan cheese at the supermarket. and then you could, you know, like cook something with them.

David said...

Yes, but then WE'd have to buy and stock the CRP, instead of the pizza outlet.

Robert said...

I think we need to call it a war on something in order to initiate a more passionate response. First there was "War on Drugs", then there's "War on Terror"... this time we should intiate a War on Not Giving Out Condiments Necessary to Make Your Leftover Food Almost As Good As When It Was Fresh. This isn't just about parmesan cheese or crushed peppers, this is about defending our country from oppressors who hate liberty! If we don't take on the condiment terrorists on their own turf, they might follow us home - then what? I don't know about you, but I don't want to be awoken to the sound of someone rifling through my fridge and taking my ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, and other ingredients. We need to protect our country, and our very freedom, at all costs. Domino's, hear our warning. You're either with us, or against us!

By the way, I haven't had peanuts on any airline in the past few years. Alaska Airlines gives out free beer though, so that's a big bonus. I also saw you linked to my lame-ass website. Maybe I should post some new pictures or something... I don't know what a "Hobody" is though.

Cladeedah said...

It means you're a blog bum cuz you don't post enough. :-)

Unknown said...

Just got the no pepper flake experience... guess new business model to increase profit is to jip the consumer. Well Eff them, they just lost another customer. Didn't like the new salty salty crust anyways.