Super Gay

So... Brian and I needed to go see a doctor for immunizations for our upcoming China trip. Since we just moved, I decided to find a new primary care doctor who took both of our insurance companies and was near our new house. So I found a doctor who fit the bill and made an appointment.

So... the receptionist there turns out to be this flamboyantly gay man-nurse. I didn't really think anything of it at first.

Then the guy sitting next to us in the waiting room starts having a really loud conversation with his boyfriend. Hmmm... now I'm suspicious.

I looked around and realized I was the only female in the packed lobby.

I started eyeing the men one by one for signs of gayness. One guy had on orange shoes and a matching orange shirt. Check, and check. Pretty much all of the guys in the room had something a little gay about them.

It was kinda freaking me out. It felt kinda like when I accidentally walk into Phillipino mass or Latin mass. I felt super out of place, like everyone was wondering what the heck I was doing there.

So when we got in to see the doctor, he looked really gay to me too. I don't know how to describe it. He just kinda had big gay hair and tapered gay pants. Also, his initial reaction to us was that we were both "young and beautiful, so there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with [us]." That sounded a little gay to me.

Then his phone rang. His ringtone was Enya, "Sail Away." Oh yeah, totally gay.

After we left, I asked Brian whether he noticed anything unusual in the doctor's office. Poor guy had no idea. He said he was just sitting there trying to figure out who was voting for McCain and who was voting for Obama.

When I got home, I Googled the doctor along with the word "gay." Sure enough, his office came up on tons of gay resource web sites. On one, it was listed as an HIV Primary Care Center. So... yeah....

Does it make me a bigot if I don't want to go to an HIV Primary Care Center for my primary care needs?

On the one hand, he was smart, and I felt like he knew what he was talking about. On the other hand, we don't have HIV and I'm wondering if the doctor was confused as to why we were there. Should I call him and ask if he only takes HIV patients exclusively?

Loves me some Gina Gershon

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

You think he really was f*&king Ben Affleck?

I'm so confused... On the other hand, I guess that means Sarah's free for some married, tall-chick experimentation on a tennis court, if you know what I mean.

Front row center

Last night, Alexis, Shannon, Vanessa, and I went out and saw Sarah Silverman. This was my third time. We had a good time overall, but I think this is going to be my last Sarah Silverman show for a while. She just does too many of the same jokes. If you want to see the pics from last night, click here.

The cool thing this time was that we were front row center, so we got to see a lot more of her performance and interact with her. When she first came out, she saw me taking pictures (no flash) and she posed for me. So that was really cute.

And one time I yelled out, "I love you Sarah!" and she was like, "Thanks, but I'm standing right here, you don't really have to yell."

And then a little while later, she sweated me for taking so many pictures. It doesn't take much to derail her train of thought, and I think it was distracting her, so she posed, I took my last 2 pics, and that was it.

A little while later, some heckler derailed her train of thought again, and she said the heckler was her friend "Michelle," but she refused to finish her joke because Michelle had thrown her off. So everyone was cheering for her to finish the joke, and when it became clear she wasn't going to, I yelled, "F- you, Michelle!" and she laughed. So that was kinda neat.

She interacted a lot with Vanessa too. I don't remember the exchanges though. Too self-absorbed I guess.

I always suspected she used notes on the stool she keeps next to her, but now that we were really close, we got to see the incriminating evidence up close. Also, she got way more thrown-off this time, and almost just, like, gave up at the end. So although she was as cute as ever, she didn't put on a super-fantastic show. I hate to say it.

Someday, we'll look back and laugh

So I went and saw my girlfriend Sarah Silverman for the second time about a week ago. Brian was supposed to go with me, but he wanted to geek-out with his guy friends, so Vanessa went with me instead. In exchange, Brian was our designated driver, agreeing to drop us off and pick us up.

So the night's going great. We have dinner at the Pink Taco, get our drink on, go see Sarah Silverman, take some pictures of Sarah with my iPhone, hang out with some nice, funny girls from the audience -- everything's cool. Until I try to show one of the girls something on my iPhone and realize... it's gone.

I FREAK OUT. We ransack my purse, my pockets - it's nowhere to be found. We check with security, they check the theater - no luck. Lost and found also has nothing. Another Sarah Silverman show is about to start, so they tell us to check back after that. So we go to the dance club for a little while, then decide to head home.  On the way out, one security guard tells me she thinks they found my phone. I was like, SWEET! But then I check lost and found, and they still have nothing. I sit around (now with Brian) for another hour and a half, waiting for the show to be over and sweating security about having my phone and not giving it to me. In the end, they found nothing. 

Defeated, we decided to leave. We called the phone one last time before we left. Just then, my purse started vibrating. Turns out, it was in there all along. 

Brian was not pleased.

I tried to explain that we had all searched the purse - all four of us drunk chicks, and not one of us saw it. It must have been divine intervention. I really think the phone somehow teleported back into my purse, cuz I'm telling you, it was not there three hours before. Brian wasn't impressed. I tried to explain that it was a good thing we found the phone in my purse, not a bad thing, but that also didn't work. Brian was pissed, and I was going to get the beat-down, whether I liked it or not...

She's f@#king Matt Damon...

... and that's why I love Sarah Silverman. And now Matt Damon too. I got my tickets to see her (again) already. :-)

Sarah Silverman is Magic

This weekend, we saw Sarah Silverman perform at the Mirage. It was so-so, and since I was super-pumped for the show, I guess that means it was a bit of a let-down.

On the one hand, she recycled a lot of her old jokes from the Jesus is Magic DVD, her energy was low, her timing was off, and she only performed for 40 minutes (that means the show was $2 per minute per person). On the other hand, we got to see about five minutes worth of new clips from next season of her show and she tested out some of the material she's thinking about using next Sunday night at the MTV VMA's. And, no matter how you slice it, it's Sarah SIlverman, who is pretty much the cutest thing ever, so, really, who can complain?

Spoiler alert!

Wanna hear the jokes she might use at the 2007 VMA's? One of the funny ones I can remember was about Amy Winehouse. She said something about Amy being Jewish, then asked, "She is Jewish, right? Well if she's not, someone needs to tell her face." I thought that one was hilArious!

Then she started talking about how it's weird that Amy WInehouse would have a last name like Winehouse, cuz that's, like, the last place she should be. "It's like George Bush's last name being Whitehouse, or Lindsay Lohan's last name being Behind-the-Wheel-of-a-Car." Ba-dum-bum.

Probably the most extreme joke she told was about Britney Spears. I have a feeling she'll use it too, since Britney Spears is expected to be there and Sarah's popularity sky-rocketed after the MTV Movie Awards earlier this year, where she bagged on Paris Hilton as Paris sat helpless in the audience.

So anyway, first Sarah talked about how much Britney has grown up. How a few years ago, she was just a little girl, dressed like a whore and writhing around the stage at the VMA's with a snake, and now she's a mom with two kids. Then Sarah pretended to take it back, saying it was mean -- that she shouldn't talk about Madonna like that.

Then she talked about how cute Britney Spears' kids were. Just as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of. "They look just like it too," she said. "Like this!" Then she smashed her lips together with her hands to make duck lips and turned her head sideways so they were vertical. Yes, like a hairless vagina. So vulgar!

Ah yes, that's the Sarah I love. She also had some choice abortion jokes. I think Sarah is at her best when she's the most crass. (See her Aristocrats video, for example.) Too bad she didn't have more new material and she was having an off night.

Oh my gawd, that was AWESOME!!!

We got to see a sneak preview of Transformers last night. Brian described it best when he said it was like eating frosting right out of the container. On the one hand, the story was retarded & full of plot holes, the dialogue super-cheesy, the characters flat stereotypes and the jokes lame. On the other hand, the transformers were AWESOME!!!!

During one of the first scenes where a Transformer transforms (Barricade is jumping through the air as a robot and then lands as a badass police car), you could actually hear the simultaneous gasp of every guy in the theater getting a stiffy. The gasps and applause continued throughout the movie, every time they showed a new transformer transform (ESPECIALLY when they revealed Optimus Prime) and everytime the robots fought.

In the end, I was left with one thought: "Oh my gawd, that was AWESOME!!!" So even though it isn't going to be winning any Oscars this year, it was still super bad-ass and super exhilarating. I will most likely see it again in the theater. Oh, and the super-hot chick lead, Megan Fox, was, in fact, really really hot. So yeah, just in case you needed another reason to go see it.

OMG, that was SO gay.

We went to the True Colors Tour last night. For all you link-o-phobics, that's the tour in support of homo, lesbo, and trannie equality. Those gays really know how to put on a show, lemme tell ya. Even Brian, who had no interest in any of the acts, had a good time. Here's how it went down...

My primary reason for going was because I love love love the song Good Day by the Dresden Dolls. They mostly do East Coast shows, so this was one of the only opportunities I'd have to see them. All I wanted was to hear that one song. I paid $250 for two seats on the floor, to see that one song.

I didn't get to hear or see that one song. Although the web site suggested they'd be the second or third opening act, they were actually the first. The show started at 8pm. We got there at 8:15pm. They were well into their third song. They only played two more songs while we were there, and while the songs were spectacular (Coin-Operated Boy & Girl Anachronism), they were not Good Day.

"Why is my life such a Greek tragedy?," I wondered. I had to find out for-sure whether either of the first two songs were my song. I asked a couple of people, but no one could tell me for sure. Then the Dresden Dolls announced they'd be meeting fans by the merchandise table.

HO-LY CRAP. I forgot my digital camera. WHY THE F@CK IS MY LIFE SUCH A GREEK TRAGEDY???

So we ended up meeting the band. Amanda Palmer was really nice, though I think she may have been under the influence of something cuz she asked me what city we were in. Whatever. She was nice. The guy, Brian Viglione was a bit cooler. Cooler like stand-offish, not cooler like badass. But they were nice enough to sign our tickets and a tank top I got and take pictures with us, so as far as I'm concerned he was nice too. Plus, he confirmed that they at no time performed Good Day that night. OH THANK GOODNESS! (I don't think he understood why I was so happy.) I asked some guy there to take our picture and email it to me. He said he'd send it next Wednesday. (fingers-crossed)

So even though I didn't get to hear my song, I did get to meet the artists, which was really cool. Oh, I forgot to mention that Amanda really does have crazy squiggly lines tattooed as eyebrows. And she grows her armpit hair super-long like a man. So that was pretty interesting to see up close. We had to miss the Indigo Girls to meet the band, but that's okay.

The rest of the show went like this...

Deborah Harry was surreal. (She'll be 62 next month). It felt like we were watching Florence Henderson rock out. Except each time she would move a little like she was getting into the music, she would stop like her hip was hurting or like her vertigo was setting in. It did not help her rock n' roll image that she had a Florence Henderson haircut and performed in capri pants and a white, collared, button-up shirt. Poor thing just seemed confused. She was the only one that didn't come back out at the end of it all for the big finale. We figured she fell asleep backstage or something. Poor thing.

Margaret Cho was hilarious. Rosie O'Donnell was hilarious.

Erasure was the super-ultra-gayest band ever. And by that, I mean they were super-ultra-fabulous. I had no idea they were the official gay-anthem band. (Famous gay anthoms include Take a Chance on Me, Respect, and Oh L'amour.) They definitely brought out the go-go boy in all of us.

Cyndi Lauper (she'll be 54 this month) was really cool. She was the opposite of Debbie Harry. Still highly energetic and bubbly, still modern and fun. Of course the place went crazy when she did Girls Just Want to Have Fun (w/ Rosie O'Donnell on the drums). And I totally called the weepy closing number with all the bands on-stage holding hands and singing True Colors. It was nice anyway.

Even though I didn't get to hear my one song, I definitely feel like I got my money's worth. Go to the HRC website to read about what that group's doing try and make the world less hateful toward the gays.

Tall Crush

I saw a hot blonde chick as tall as me at the tall lady store today. I heard her say something about buying a jacket for court. After she left, the sales lady told me she was a lawyer too, and a criminal prosecutor even!! No way! I super-regretted not saying anything to her when I saw her. I just didn't want to harass the tall girl, you know? But just think... we could have had such a beautiful friendship. Oh well. It's a small town. I'm sure we'll run into each other again.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Behold! It's the dance-off to end all dance-offs: Shakira vs. Beyonce. It's toward the end of the video, but it's well worth the wait!

Hot for Sarah

Ok, no seriously. If you haven't watched it, watch it now.

I love love love Sarah Silverman

The Sarah Silverman Program is my new favorite TV show. You should all watch it. Here's a sample: