Brace-face

I got my braces last week. I got clear brackets instead of Invisalign because a couple docs told me I wasn't a good candidate for Invisalign. Here are the top brackets. They're putting the wire and bottom brackets in in two weeks.

While I was looking online for the phone number today, I found this raving review about my new orthodontist's office:

"CRACKHEADS - A DENTAL ASSISTANT DROPED A CRACK PIPE ON THE FLOOR DURING MY EXAMINATION... I THINK DRUG TESTING IS IN ORDER."

Awesome.

Moka Update

My baby is still sick. His diabetes has caused him to have horrible peeing and pooping problems, weight loss, and his back legs are barely working. It kills to me to watch him suffer, but he's supposed to be able to live a normal life once the diabetes is finally under control. The vet says this is all normal for a diabetic cat, and that it can take up to 3 months to regulate his diabetes. In the meantime, this is what we have to go through. :-(

Moka at the vet

I left work early today because Moka made bloody pee and diarrhea all over the house. We're at the vet now...

Flogging Cladeedah

Go ahead, smack me around. I know I've been bad. I'm going to go with the cliche and blame it on the busy holidays.

Christmas was good. New Year's was good. After all the stress of travelling, bridesmaid stuff, Christmas, and New Year's, I'm happy to get back to the status quo.

One thing is still stressing me out though. My cat Moka isn't doing well. He's got feline diabetes, which is causing him to have major pooping and peeing problems. They say the first few months of treating it are the most difficult -- both in terms of treatment and cost. It's been kicking our butts, but we're sticking it through. I cannot express how much I love that cat.

I'll try to post some pictures of New Year's sometime this week. I know I've been a bad blogger and this update isn't much, but just bear with me. I promise to make it worth your while!

My heart is broken

We didn't get the house. They accepted an offer last night. It's possible it was sold even before they got our offer.

:-(

God will punish you

Brian has a strict "no horn" policy in his car. Every time somebody cuts him off or nearly hits him while I'm in the passenger seat, I reach for his horn because I know he will never honk it himself. He's always able to fight me off before I can honk it though.

In my car, it's a different story. It's not that I'm a liberal horn-honker. I'm just not afraid to use it in non-emegency situations to communicate my distaste for what other drivers are doing.

So last night, I'm driving home from seeing Ironman (which freakin' ROCKED, btw), and I'm trying to merge onto the freeway, but this guy won't let me on. Well, my lane is about to let me right back off the freeway, so I slam my brakes and merge behind the guy at the last possible second. In a mini-exercise of wrath (a total sin, mind you), I honked my horn. Unfortunately, it got stuck.

I slowed way down hoping to lose the guy I had just honked at. The last thing I needed was for him to shoot me for laying on my horn. I proceeded to slap and punch my steering wheel in an effort to get it to stop honking. This continued for the next 15 miles. Instead of going home and waking up my neighbors at 10 o'clock at night, I pulled into a parking lot to see if I could fix the problem.

I turned the car on and off, and nothing. I got out and kicked the steering wheel, and nothing. The sound blared on and on. So agitating. So embarassing. Straight out of Little Miss Sunshine. I looked in the owner's manual, and there was nothing about the horn getting stuck. I called Brian to come help, then called Triple A to see if they could help (having to yell over my deafening horn for the lady to hear what I was calling about).

While I sat there waiting, people kept driving by and slowing down to see why I was honking my horn. Was I slumped over the wheel? In need of help? Stealing a car? I just waved them on by. Nothing to see here, keep moving along people.

Forty minutes after it started, Brian managed to get it to stop. (My hero.) Although I was tempted to test the horn to see if it would get stuck again, I resisted. I've learned my lesson. I have now implemented a strict "no horn" policy in my car as well.

Another one bites the dust

Guess who's having a baby? It's Brian and me. We just found out. I'm still in shock, quite honestly. Our plan to wait two years, do genetic testing, and use a surrogate has just gone out the window. I can expect an extremely delicate and stressful pregnancy. Obviously, this wasn't something we planned, but everything happens for a reason, so we're happy about it. Cautiously happy.

Can't... move... legs

After my weight-gain this week, I got all motivated to start hitting the gym again. I went this morning for an hour and a half. Not a sissy hour and a half, where I rest for a long time between sets and do a wimpy setting on the elliptical. Oh no, it was hard-core. I felt so good about it afterward, I decided to bike to my eye doctor and to the bike shop later on. Not a good idea, as it turns out!

I left at about 4:30. I just had to pick up my new glasses by 5. The place was only like 2 miles away. I figured 20 minutes was plenty. Not enough time, as it turns out!

Apparently, I don't pay much attention to "topography," so I didn't realize it would be UP HILL THE ENTIRE WAY. I also never really paid much attention to the way gears work, so didn't realize I WAS UNNECESSARILY IN FIRST GEAR THE ENTIRE WAY. It was 5:15 by the time I got to the eye doctor. They hadn't locked the doors yet, so I went in. I think the lady was going to tell me they were closed, but then she saw that I was pouring sweat, heaving and wearing a bike helmet. I think she felt bad that I'd worked so hard to get there just to be turned away, so she took me.

By the time I got done there and at the bike store, it was dark. I had to buy lights for my bike, actually. Which was fine. I probably needed them anyway. But then I had to bike home in the FREEZING COLD, downhill the entire way, so it was EXTRA BREEZY for me. I had snot running down my face the whole way.

By the time I got home, it was 7pm and I looked a mess. Why did I even bother putting on makeup and blow-drying my hair? I had to be at an event at 7pm, so on top of everything, I was late.

So that was my exciting adventure to the bike store. On the bright side, I got to see bunnies along the bike trail and got to eat a big sushi dinner because of the 1000 calories I burned today.

OMG, that was SO gay.

We went to the True Colors Tour last night. For all you link-o-phobics, that's the tour in support of homo, lesbo, and trannie equality. Those gays really know how to put on a show, lemme tell ya. Even Brian, who had no interest in any of the acts, had a good time. Here's how it went down...

My primary reason for going was because I love love love the song Good Day by the Dresden Dolls. They mostly do East Coast shows, so this was one of the only opportunities I'd have to see them. All I wanted was to hear that one song. I paid $250 for two seats on the floor, to see that one song.

I didn't get to hear or see that one song. Although the web site suggested they'd be the second or third opening act, they were actually the first. The show started at 8pm. We got there at 8:15pm. They were well into their third song. They only played two more songs while we were there, and while the songs were spectacular (Coin-Operated Boy & Girl Anachronism), they were not Good Day.

"Why is my life such a Greek tragedy?," I wondered. I had to find out for-sure whether either of the first two songs were my song. I asked a couple of people, but no one could tell me for sure. Then the Dresden Dolls announced they'd be meeting fans by the merchandise table.

HO-LY CRAP. I forgot my digital camera. WHY THE F@CK IS MY LIFE SUCH A GREEK TRAGEDY???

So we ended up meeting the band. Amanda Palmer was really nice, though I think she may have been under the influence of something cuz she asked me what city we were in. Whatever. She was nice. The guy, Brian Viglione was a bit cooler. Cooler like stand-offish, not cooler like badass. But they were nice enough to sign our tickets and a tank top I got and take pictures with us, so as far as I'm concerned he was nice too. Plus, he confirmed that they at no time performed Good Day that night. OH THANK GOODNESS! (I don't think he understood why I was so happy.) I asked some guy there to take our picture and email it to me. He said he'd send it next Wednesday. (fingers-crossed)

So even though I didn't get to hear my song, I did get to meet the artists, which was really cool. Oh, I forgot to mention that Amanda really does have crazy squiggly lines tattooed as eyebrows. And she grows her armpit hair super-long like a man. So that was pretty interesting to see up close. We had to miss the Indigo Girls to meet the band, but that's okay.

The rest of the show went like this...

Deborah Harry was surreal. (She'll be 62 next month). It felt like we were watching Florence Henderson rock out. Except each time she would move a little like she was getting into the music, she would stop like her hip was hurting or like her vertigo was setting in. It did not help her rock n' roll image that she had a Florence Henderson haircut and performed in capri pants and a white, collared, button-up shirt. Poor thing just seemed confused. She was the only one that didn't come back out at the end of it all for the big finale. We figured she fell asleep backstage or something. Poor thing.

Margaret Cho was hilarious. Rosie O'Donnell was hilarious.

Erasure was the super-ultra-gayest band ever. And by that, I mean they were super-ultra-fabulous. I had no idea they were the official gay-anthem band. (Famous gay anthoms include Take a Chance on Me, Respect, and Oh L'amour.) They definitely brought out the go-go boy in all of us.

Cyndi Lauper (she'll be 54 this month) was really cool. She was the opposite of Debbie Harry. Still highly energetic and bubbly, still modern and fun. Of course the place went crazy when she did Girls Just Want to Have Fun (w/ Rosie O'Donnell on the drums). And I totally called the weepy closing number with all the bands on-stage holding hands and singing True Colors. It was nice anyway.

Even though I didn't get to hear my one song, I definitely feel like I got my money's worth. Go to the HRC website to read about what that group's doing try and make the world less hateful toward the gays.

Dental Hell

My last appointment was by far the worst dental experience I've ever had. I cannot put into words how excruciating the pain was. It was worse than getting a dental implant drilled into my jawbone. Worse than getting my wisdom teeth out. Worse than having two root canals done in Mexico. Worse than heart surgery (and they shut my body down and sawed me open to do that sh*t!).

Long story short, a year after my root canal (American this time), my dentist figured out that my endodontist accidentally left a nerve in there, and that's why it never, ever stopped hurting. It started to hurt A LOT more recently because it got infected. The infection caused the novacaine they attempted to inject me with last week to have no effect. Something about the acidity and the pH being off. So, basically, I HAD A ROOT CANAL PERFORMED WITH NO ANASTHESIA!!!

No wonder it hurt so f%@$in' bad! See? I knew I wasn't just a whiny baby! Bastards...

I thought they stopped in the middle of the procedure last week because I was sobbing, shaking, and jerking so violently. I hyperventilated too (for the first time ever).

So today, I thought I was going back for more. You can imagine my joy when they told me they had gotten it all last time and that all I was there for today was an X-ray. Oh thank you Lord Baby Jesus!

They said it looked good for now, but I have to go back in two weeks to see if the pain stays gone. Fingers crossed...

More of my dental curse

Got some bad news from the endodontist today. I guess that tooth that I spent $1100 getting a root canal on is cracked now, so they're going to have to just pull it out now anyway. That means another who-knows-how-much to get it pulled and another $2200 for ANOTHER horrifyingly painful implant procedure. Motherfu#@er.

It seems my baby Moka has inherited my dental curse as well. He and Enid had their teeth cleaned today. Moka needed 2 extractions. Total cost for anesthesia, cleanings, extractions, and medication = $608. Fu$%ing Go# Da@% Motherfu#@er.

I am out of control...

Ok, so my new purse Tallulah already let me down. While we were driving around with Brad and Vanessa yesterday, one of her Dooney & Bourke faceplates came off. Considering how much I paid for the purse, and all this talk about how she was supposed to "last me a lifetime," I was MEGA-PISSED. Vanessa only added fuel to the fire by flaunting her new Coach baby (Demi), meanwhile ridiculing poor Tallulah for her malfunction.

So I went back to the store where I bought her. I took back Tallulah and her matching wallet of a little sister and said goodbye to the Dooney & Bourke label along with them.

For just a teensy weensy bit more, I bought this Coach Andrea Satchel. I thought the name she came with was boring, so I renamed her "Shakira, the Queen Bee."


She's freaking spectacular. You would throw up if I told you how much she cost. I don't think about it, cuz it kinda makes me a little nauseous too. THE POINT IS, this one WILL last me a lifetime gosh darnit!!!

I could not be cool, even if my life depended on it

First, the backstory:

About 9.5 years ago, I dated this guy, "Bad Jason." It was one of the most overwhelming crushes I ever had. The kind that made me daydream so hard, I'd run stop signs without even realizing it. I was totally gaga. It didn't help that he made out with me repeatedly, even though he wasn't really all that into me. He was very hot and cold -- mean to me sometimes, and absolutely flattering at others. Precisely the right formula for keeping me obsessed.

Things didn't really end in a definitive way with us. I went back to college and we lost touch. It took me several years to get closure on the situation. To finally realize that it wasn't at all the intensity of his feelings that was scaring him away. He was simply a typical 20-year-old male. Too cowardly to be direct, and too selfish to give up the action. When he was older, he told me these things, and I respected him for it. And I finally got my closure.

Fast forward to last Friday night:

I'm having Boba Tea in China Town with my husband, nephew and a friend, when, all of a sudden, Bad Jason comes over and says hello. Ho-ly crap.

I thought I did a pretty good job of playing it cool, actually. We chatted. We joked. We met each other's dates/husbands. We even gave them our table, since we were just about ready to leave anyway.

As I'm driving home, I'm really impressed with myself. I even made it almost all the way home without violating any traffic laws. But then, a horrifying realization: I forgot to pay the $45 tab back at the tea shop. Ho-ly crap.

I called the shop and begged them to let me pay over the phone with a credit card. They refused. We had to go back. The whole drive back, I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation without letting on to Bad Jason and his crew. My entire goal here was to show how gaga I'm NOT anymore.

I walked in and it was immediately clear that they knew. Of course they knew. We chatted them up before giving them our table, you think the people that work there aren't going to hold them responsible for our tab? I was so embarassed. I pretty much paid the tab and ran away. SO not smooth.

Lesson #633: Don't ever get a dental implant with only a local anaesthetic

GOOD GOD. Yesterday, I had the worst dental experience of my life. One and a half hours of drilling into jawbone, jamming metal sockets in there and then LITERALLY jamming in screws with a socket wrench. There was a lot of unexpected water being splashed around and some tinkering with a chisel as well. Oh, and I got lucky and got the dingbat dental assistant on her first oral surgery. Bitch kept throwing heavy-ass tools down on my chest. The doctor had to remind her that she was dealing with a live person.

Today, my doctor called to see how I was doing. I told him the truth: "I'm in pain and I look like a monster, how do you think I feel?" I then chastised him for failing to give me valium before the procedure and told him it was the worst dental experience of my life. That's when he mentioned that they were going to start using an IV drip to administer some kind of sedative during the procedure from now on. Wow, that makes me feel a whole lot less traumatized. Fucker.

Cursed Dentistry

Anyone who has known me a while knows I have horrible luck with dentists. I go all the time and I still have problems. Nothing seems to ever get done right. I'm extra nervous today because I'm going to get a dental implant drilled into my jaw bone. With just local anaesthesia. Can't wait.