The Curious Incident of the Drilldo in the Night

After my work thing last week in Tahoe, I stayed a few extra days in Reno to see my college girlfriends. I stayed with my friend Erica. About 3 days after I returned home, Erica emailed me to say thanks for the tip about getting Leslie a "drilldo" for her birthday. I didn't know what the heck she was talking about, so I just ignored it. Later, she left me a voicemail with the same message. Now I was curious. WTF was she talking about? And WTF is a drilldo?

It turns out someone had programmed a calendar alert in her iPhone so that Tuesday at 10am, while she was going about her normal work day at the insurance company, her phone would buzz reminding her it was time to buy our friend Leslie a drilldo for her birthday. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious! She said she had asked Leslie (also an iPhone user) if she had done it, and Leslie said no, so she figured it was me, since no one else with access to her phone would know how to program a calendar alert.

It started to jog my memory. I do remember messing with her phone. And I do remember wanting to put something on her to-do list. Then thinking it would be funnier if it was in the form of an alert. And if it went off in the middle of a normal work-day. But I've never ever heard of a drilldo. Why would I have put that?

The more I thought about it, the more it came back to me. I had intended to type "dildo," but the autocorrect on the phone changed it to "drill." Erica was sitting right next to me when I did it, so I just added "do" to the end of it and gave her back her phone, thinking that was ever funnier. That's not where the story ends though.

The next day, I called Leslie to tell her the funny story and she now insisted that she was the one that typed in the alert, and that I had conjured up the memory in my mind. Holy crap, was I confused. Did I or didn't I? Was it a real memory or a mental concoction? In the end, I decided that Leslie was just messing with me and that I had in fact done it and forgotten about it, then remembered later. She still swears she did it, but I really think she's just evil and taking advantage of my horrible memory. Anyway, here's your reward for reading to the end of this story.

Prego fetish

Jeanny and I went and worked out Saturday morning while I was in Reno this last weekend. (It was a last minute work thing.) Anyway, here's her looking adorable and pregnant in her workout gear. She weighs half as much as me, is 5.5 months pregnant, and she still did heavier weights than I did. She kicks butt!!

Reno 411

I'm back from visiting my college bitchez! We had such an awesome time together. Let's see, we had drunken mani-pedis, sushi, shopping, movies, and a cuddle party. It was awesome to pick right back up where we left off. It's hard to believe we've known each other for 12 years now. (Actually, I've known Leslie for 21 years, but she's the exception - everyone else is 12.)

I think the secret to our long-lasting bond is the fact that we all revert back to acting like vulgar little boys when we're together. Which brings me to my favorite part of the weekend. You see, each time I see my bitchez, I learn new, horrible, vulgar things I never knew before. Just when I think I've heard it all, they manage to shock and appall. We all contribute something. Here's what I learned this weekend:

Prairie Doggin' - Reference definitions 1, 2 and 4.

Gunt

And, last but not least: FUPA

I, too, contributed by imparting my knowledge of "Superman" and "Robocop." I also got to teach the girls about merkins!

Friendships that run this deep don't come around too often, so I'm grateful for my girls. Here's a bonus one for today - in honor of my bitchez:

Tony Danza

You can check out photos of our weekend shenanigans here.

Screwed that one up too

National Blogging Month is now officially over! YAY! As you can tell, I failed miserably at that too. Oh well.

Gone to Reno to see some bitchez. Be back Sunday.

Lesson #633: Don't ever get a dental implant with only a local anaesthetic

GOOD GOD. Yesterday, I had the worst dental experience of my life. One and a half hours of drilling into jawbone, jamming metal sockets in there and then LITERALLY jamming in screws with a socket wrench. There was a lot of unexpected water being splashed around and some tinkering with a chisel as well. Oh, and I got lucky and got the dingbat dental assistant on her first oral surgery. Bitch kept throwing heavy-ass tools down on my chest. The doctor had to remind her that she was dealing with a live person.

Today, my doctor called to see how I was doing. I told him the truth: "I'm in pain and I look like a monster, how do you think I feel?" I then chastised him for failing to give me valium before the procedure and told him it was the worst dental experience of my life. That's when he mentioned that they were going to start using an IV drip to administer some kind of sedative during the procedure from now on. Wow, that makes me feel a whole lot less traumatized. Fucker.

The nerve of some bitchez

Target cashiers are officially on this week's tripping list. The other day this snatch tried rushing me through my transaction. Then today, some little Target cashier ho-bag tried picking up on my husband!

I guess he was checking out, (I wasn't there, lucky for her) and this little ho was all, "Wow, you're tall. How tall are you? Blah blah blah..." You know, the usual. So Brian tells her, and then she's all like, "Wow. Is your girlfriend tall?" And Brian says, "Yeah, my WIFE is 6'5"." (Hint hint, bitch.) Then, (this is when the little ho-bag signed off on her own death warrant) bitch goes, "Oh. Well. Have you ever been with a short girl before?"

All Brian could think was, "Oh my God, you have no idea how quickly my wife would have snatched out your eyes just now if she had heard you say that." From then on, he just focused all his attention on the credit card keypad, all the while thinking, "My wife is going to find this girl and kill her if I keep talking to her." Damn right. Hooker is lucky I gave Brad back his AK.