The nerve of some bitchez

Target cashiers are officially on this week's tripping list. The other day this snatch tried rushing me through my transaction. Then today, some little Target cashier ho-bag tried picking up on my husband!

I guess he was checking out, (I wasn't there, lucky for her) and this little ho was all, "Wow, you're tall. How tall are you? Blah blah blah..." You know, the usual. So Brian tells her, and then she's all like, "Wow. Is your girlfriend tall?" And Brian says, "Yeah, my WIFE is 6'5"." (Hint hint, bitch.) Then, (this is when the little ho-bag signed off on her own death warrant) bitch goes, "Oh. Well. Have you ever been with a short girl before?"

All Brian could think was, "Oh my God, you have no idea how quickly my wife would have snatched out your eyes just now if she had heard you say that." From then on, he just focused all his attention on the credit card keypad, all the while thinking, "My wife is going to find this girl and kill her if I keep talking to her." Damn right. Hooker is lucky I gave Brad back his AK.

Go JT.

Wow. Now I know exactly what I want for Xmas. (Hint hint, Brian.) This is not safe for work, I'd say.

I got to say it was a good day...

Today I didn't even have to use my AK. Yesterday is an altogether different story. We went shooting with Brad. It was freezing, so I stayed in the car and gossiped for the most part, but I did get out a few times and shoot a rifle, a 357 Magnum, and an AK-47. Here are the pics from my camera. Brad has way more.

Crockpot Mondays

"Why does this blog suck so hard nowadays?," you may be asking yourself. Well, you see, I used to blog on Mondays, but now that it's gotten cold outside, my Mondays are instead devoted to slow-cooking comfort food in the crockpot. By the time i get done shopping, chopping, etc., there's just simply no time for blogging. Like today. The good news is that in the last couple of weeks, we've enjoyed steak chili, french dips and bbq beef sandwiches. Today it's Chicken Cacciatore. And the whole house gets warm and smells good all day. Please understand. It's not you, it's the weather.

Random sidebar: There was a dead pigeon laying next to my car when I went out this morning. What am I supposed to do with that? I changed parking spots for now, and will probably have Brian process the dead bird when he comes home.

Some days you just can't win...

Today was so bad. Where do I start? Well, first, I got to work and I realized that I wore navy blue socks with my black suit and black shoes. Nice. At least I had matching shoes on today.

Then, on my way to court, I heard the new rumor that's been going around since the big court Christmas party on Saturday - that I must have robbed the cradle because my husband looks so much younger than me. Oh my gosh, if one more person suggests that I look old, I am going to KILL! WE'RE THE SAME FRICKIN' AGE PEOPLE! I WEAR SPF 15 ON MY FACE EVERYDAY DAMMIT!!

So then I went to the White Elephant party at work, swearing up and down I wasn't going to get stuck with the worst present this time, and then, sure enough, I got a broken animatronic snowglobe.

Also, while at the party, I mentioned to a co-worker that my boss (who has cancer) wasn't going to be at the party because he was sick. Well, she thought I meant sick like the flu and said, "Oh good!" in response because she's really uncomfortable around him. So I tell her that he's actually REALLY sick. Like in the hospital with cancer sick. So she starts feeling bad about being happy he was sick then says she'd totally feel like crap if he died. Yeah. Well, as if even having that conversation wasn't bad enough, it turns out his secretary totally heard it all. Man, I feel like an asshole.

Later in the day, I got a phone call about Moka - he's been at the vet since yesterday for more urinary problems. Looks like it's going to be another $500 just to find out what's wrong. Sh*t...

Even later that day, I find out that Brian's been art directing a nude photo shoot with strippers all day, and that yes, he had to touch them to pose them. Oh, and he's not going to be home until very late tonight because the ad is due tomorrow. "Oh, and, by the way," he said. "You're not allowed to get breast implants." WTF?

What is wrong with today??

Shoes

This morning, I accidentally put on one black shoe and one brown shoe. I've been walking around all day hoping nobody would notice. What a nerd!

Addendum

Woops, forgot to post the pic of Jesse cuddling the Wii one last time before giving it up until Christmas.

Wii like to party.

After weeks of calling all the local toy and electronics stores, and surfing the Wii-tracking web sites, victory is finally ours. We waited outside of Toys R' Us yesterday at 7 a.m., and were lucky enough to get a Wii for Briian, a Wii for Jessii, and a Wii for Daviid. The boys couldn't resist playing a little bit yesterday after we got home, but now the system is officially off-limits until Christmas.

Sac n' Crack

So the other day, Brian and I are at this strip mall having dinner, when we notice a store nearby called "Box." "Hmm.. wonder what that is?," we thought. A stationary store? Maybe a packaging design studio? Brian couldn't resist investigating.

Inside, the place was super-posh-trendy-chic. There were notecards on the table that read: "Get Rid of Bush." Brian picked up a "menu" that featured something called a "Sac n' Crack." WTF?

Turns out it was a saucy waxing salon. Props to the owners for having a sense of humor.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. Brian, David and I are in Japan. David insists on having as many new experiences as possible, regardless of whether they're good or bad. For example: 1) trying snot-like, dirty-garbage-disposal-tasting stuff called natto, 2) touching a hot faucet that clearly warned "Hot! Do not touch!," and 3) partaking in naked fun at a gay bath house - er, I mean - a public bath house. When he started getting on my case about not wanting to do unpleasant things in the name of trying something new, that's when I realized what David was getting for his birthday.

David's birthday was about a week after we got back from Japan. He liked new experiences? Well, he was about to get one. Yes, I got him a ball and ass waxing for his birthday. Yes, he says he's going to do it.

Buying the gift certificate was an experience in and of itself. The lady wanted to know how hairy David was down there. Apparently, it affects the price. Uh..... I have no idea how hairy David is down there, and I don't even want to begin to imagine. She also wanted to know if he'd ever done it before. Again, I don't even want to go there. They had the option to purchase a topical numbing cream for $5 more, but I didn't bother with that, figuring he'd want the full experience.

Stay tuned for the details...

Blast From the Past

One year ago today, I used this time-capsule email website to send myself an email one year in the future. I just got it today. It's kinda cool actually. Anyway, here's what it said:

"HI CLAUDIA!!

It's Nov. 28th, 2005. You and Brian just got married about 3 weeks ago. You just got back from seeing Walk The Line - the movie about Johnny Cash starring Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix - they were both really good in it. Anyway, the boys are over at your condo right now. Jesse is 11 - Tony is 5. Baby Andrew is 6 months old. He's in LA with Diana. Diana is packing up getting ready to leave big Andrew and move back to Vegas. Mom is sleeping in the living room. She's been sick for a few days w/ vertigo.

Brian has been the best husband a girl could ever wish for. You guys are madly madly in love. The cats, Enid and Moka are 7 and 4 respectvely. They are bad kitties who always fight.

It's the end of Thanksgiving weekend and Allison just left town. She was pretty pissed at you for saying she was too abraisive sometimes.

Work is fine. You hate both your judges, and the cases are pains in the ass, but you like the pay and the 4-day work weeks, so what are you going to do?

What else? That's about it I guess. We are just starting out w/ this marriage thing and figuring out our goals.

Take care - hope all is still well in the future.

Claudia"

Wow. See how I predicted Joaquin and Reese would both get Oscar nods? Well okay fine. I did note they were both good though! Anyway... All is still well. The only major differences now are that 1) my sister is back together now with big Andrew, 2) my mom doesn't live with me anymore, 3) Allison's no longer mad at me (I hope), and 4) I like my job a lot more now! What a difference a year makes.

My friend Sophie, she's the bomb

Just got done having dinner with my friend Sophie from Reno. We have SO much fun when we're together. It's uber-bizarro cuz she's like 4'10" and 88 lbs and I'm like 6'5" and twice her weight, but we are still so much alike. It was such a relief to talk with her tonight. Like maybe I don't have a personality disorder if she has some of the same issues that I do.

It's an old-friend-triple-bonus-week too. I got to see Greg this week while he was down from Knoxville. AND on Friday, my old roommate Maggie comes to town, so I get to see her AND her hot husband AND their new baby Indy. YAY!

Auto-blogging 101

Sweet! All I have to do is sit back and let Shannon do all the work. Just like high school science class! Here's part two of our Japanese adventure tale. I'll be in the back row gossiping with the other girls, in case you need me.

Kitty Jail

Enid has officially crossed the line. While we were away, she crapped repeatedly in every room of the house and peed on 1) our bed, 2) our coffee table (and mail), and 3) our dining table (nearly ruining my brand new Tori Amos collector's box set). I should also reiiterate the fact that we are STILL sitting on Spider-man folding chairs because she peed on both of our couches last month. Nothing is safe from her crazy peeing and pooping rampages. I have begged Brian to let me get rid of her, but being the sweet, gentle, forgiving spirit that he is, he just can't bring himself to allow it.

But something has to be done. I've been looking online, and I think we've found our solution: kitty jail.

Yes... incapacitation seems to be the only solution. My mom says it's mean to keep her in a cage, but I disagree. The cat spends most of her time hiding in my closet or under the bed anyway, so the small space should not be a problem. Besides, she might even like having her own space and her own food and catbox. She hates Moka and always fights with him anyway.

If she were sane enough to be an outside kitty, we would make her one. But she's not. She's crazy and jumpy and afraid of people, so we're fairly certain she'd dart out in front of a car and get run over within seconds of being set free. Also, she's aggressive, HATES children, and obviously has catbox issues, so we're also fairly certain no one else would have her and that she'd end up ultimately getting euthanized.

So we think this is a fair compromise. She'll still be allowed out when we're home. But when we're asleep or away, it's back on kitty house arrest for her.

Trying so hard not to go back to sleep...

This jet lag is really kicking my butt. I did so well with it when we got to Japan. I didn't sleep the night before we left, just because I still had so much stuff to do and because I was so excited about going. When we got there, I was super-tired, but was so amped to be there, I had no desire to sleep. So then when it finally came time to go to bed there, I was good to go. I slept through every night without a problem and woke up by 5:30 or 6am every morning.

Coming back is WAY harder. The first two nights back, I couldn't get to sleep before 2am. And I was so tired the next morning, it was hard getting up before 1:30pm.

Last night, I was finally able to go to bed at 10:30pm. I was so happy when I woke up because I thought I'd managed to sleep through the night. Turns out, it was only 2am. So I layed in bed awake for at least an hour, hoping to doze off. This morning, I forced myself out of bed at 9am, but it was rough. Now I'm dragging... fighting the urge to go back to bed.

Dang, cock-blogged again!

Since my Japan-posts probably won't be as prompt or as neat and organized as Shannon's, you should probably read her's first. Here's her first one. I'll post mine once I've organized the 500+ photos we took.

We're baaack.

Here's how Brian, David, Shannon & I spent the last 28 hours:

11/9, 9am (Japan-time) - Took bus from Kyoto to the Osaka-Kansai airport. (2 hours)
11/9, 11am (Japan-time) - Checked-in at airport, went through customs and waited for flight to Seoul, Korea. (2.5 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Japan-time) - Flew from Osaka to Seoul (2 hours)
11/9, 3:30pm (still Japan time) - Arrived in Seoul. Waited for connecting flight to LAX. (4 hours)
11/9, 7:30pm (still Japan-time) - Flew from Seoul to LAX (with little to no foot room). (11 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Pacific Time) - Landed in L.A. Went through customs. Waited for flight to Las Vegas. (4.5 hours)
11/9, 6:00pm (Pacific Time) - Flew from L.A. to Las Vegas. (1 hour)
11/9, 7:00pm - (Pacific Time) - Waited for luggage and got a ride home. (1 hour)
11/9, 8:00pm - (Pacific Time) - WE'RE HOME!!!

tt took 28 hours for us to get back, yet we managed to fit it all into just one day. Transcending time and space is so totally bitchin'...

Aa, segatakai desu!

That means "Oh, they're tall!" in Japanese. I imagine we'll be hearing that a lot in the next 10 days. So, yeah, time's up, we're officially gone. We'll be back some time around November 9th. Here's our tour so you can think of us and where we are while we're gone. I'll try hard to find email access and to send postcards. LOTS OF LOVE!! BYE!!

Nevada Day + Veteran's Day = Love

After today, I don't have to go to work for another 19 days. YAY! And I have the okay from the vet to pick Moka up tomorrow morning. YAY! And since I have the day off for Nevada Day, I get to spend all day with my baby. YAY! AND, BEST OF ALL, I get on a plane for Tokyo in just FIVE days. LESS THAN ONE WEEK, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!

Holy TALLedo!

All kinds of stuff happened this weekend. I don't have time to get into all of it, so I'll just do one thing at a time. Friday night was the first night of Amazonfest. Because we were at the vet for a lot of the early evening, we didn't make it out to the bar where the tall girls were until about 11:30pm. By then, there were only three tall chicks left. So I introduced myself to them. Then they went back to dancing and what-not so I started to make my way out of the place. But then all these tall-lady-fanciers stopped me and asked for pictures and web site info and chatted me up. It was a very interesting experience overall. I wish I could have met more tall girls though. They invited me to the next evening's "private party," but I had birthday plans, so I couldn't make it. Anyway, here are the few pics I took:

Me and Alexis Skye


Me and some guys who wanted pictures for their tall chick collection

Moka Update #3

Yay! He's peeing on his own through his new vagina!! We still have to make sure he can do it for the next two days, but for now this is really good news!!