Fat-Ass Tuesday

Lent starts tomorrow. Brian is giving up action figures. I'm giving up staying up past 10pm and eating fried foods. I had Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner as my last hoorah. Good-bye wild wings... french fries... cheetos... Sabritones and fried zucchinis. You'll all be sorely missed.

Lesson #633: Don't ever get a dental implant with only a local anaesthetic

GOOD GOD. Yesterday, I had the worst dental experience of my life. One and a half hours of drilling into jawbone, jamming metal sockets in there and then LITERALLY jamming in screws with a socket wrench. There was a lot of unexpected water being splashed around and some tinkering with a chisel as well. Oh, and I got lucky and got the dingbat dental assistant on her first oral surgery. Bitch kept throwing heavy-ass tools down on my chest. The doctor had to remind her that she was dealing with a live person.

Today, my doctor called to see how I was doing. I told him the truth: "I'm in pain and I look like a monster, how do you think I feel?" I then chastised him for failing to give me valium before the procedure and told him it was the worst dental experience of my life. That's when he mentioned that they were going to start using an IV drip to administer some kind of sedative during the procedure from now on. Wow, that makes me feel a whole lot less traumatized. Fucker.

Cursed Dentistry

Anyone who has known me a while knows I have horrible luck with dentists. I go all the time and I still have problems. Nothing seems to ever get done right. I'm extra nervous today because I'm going to get a dental implant drilled into my jaw bone. With just local anaesthesia. Can't wait.

Borat Osama in '08

We went to see Barack Obama speak on Sunday. He was a'ight. Pretty smooth talker, but I wouldn't say he made any controversial points. Here's what I got out of it:

Slavery is wrong. Women's suffrage is good. Bush is bad. The war is bad. Our healthcare system is bad. And he's too young to have been corrupted by the political system. That's about it.

Probably the thing that impressed me most was the diversity in the crowd. I love it when different races stand together behind a unified cause. Maybe that's as good a reason as any to vote for him. I'm still keeping an open mind about Hilary though. It seems as though she's had the healthcare reform idea a lot longer than Obama.

NBA All-Star Suckfest

The NBA All-Star game was in town this weekend. I got free tickets to go to one of the "Jam sessions" on Thursday. It was lame. In fact, there's a picture of my nephew not having a good time at all.

They advertised it as being an opportunity to meet, mingle, and play games with your favorite NBA players. Well, that was false advertising as far as we're concerned. The only people we saw were like 5 players from the 70's. And the entertainment they provided was, like, a game of horse. The rest of the thing was lame basketball-themed carnival-style booths run by the sponsors. Laaame. Anyway, at least I got this cute picture of my nephew pretending to be a WNBA player. A Sacramento Monarch too! Woo hoo!

Wow. That's not how we did shows at my high school.

Last night we went to see Miss Saigon at the local performing arts high school. It was fuc*ing amazing.

Highlights included a full-pit orchestra, a sixteen-foot Ho Chi Minh statue, a pink '56 Cadillac driven onstage for a musical number and actors hanging out of a life-size military helicopter. There were over 60 cast members and even more crew, and tons of costume and scene changes. Yeah, it was crazy-amazing. I can't believe it was a high school production.

Check out a video of the helicopter scene by clicking on the video link embedded in this story.

Apparently, the producer of the original broadway show helped the students out, as this was the national premiere of the student edition. And rumor is that local techs helped the kids out with a lot of the special effects. Some guy who starred in the Broadway version of Rent was even there in the audience last night.

Anyway, it was amazing. Too bad the last shows are TODAY at 2pm and 7pm. Last night was sold out, so if you read this in time and are interested, I would suggest immediately reserving tickets. I think we're going to get season passes for the school's shows next year.

V for Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day! It's a day late, but the sentiment is still there, right?

I had a great Valentine's Day. I spent the morning handing out valentines and candy to all the people at work. Then in the afternoon, I had a Domestic Violence trial that I won, so that was cool.

Then after work, Brian took me out for a surprise date. We went to Fusia at the Luxor, which was really good. Then we went over and saw Mamma Mia at the Mandalay Bay. It was super-awesome. I've been wanting to see that show for a long time, so I was really happy when I found out that was the surprise. You should all go see it. It's super-cute. After the show, we ajourned to our spa suite at the Luxor. Brian had decorated the room with heart-shaped balloons and tissue paper rose-petals. Awwwe... He also got me a cute mechanical giraffe that grows taller and taller as it sings "Your love is lifting me higher." Awwwe.... And the Post Secret book I've been wanting. Awwwee...

Unfortunately, he had to go to work this morning. He had told me before that we'd be out late, so I planned ahead and took today off. So now I get a full day to recover. Yay! But I have to spend it alone. Boo!

For my part, I got him this super awesome 30" Apple HD monitor for his computer. He really liked it, so I think I did good. Girls have it so easy.

And Boy Are My Arms Tired

This wiikend wii all got together at Brad's to play the Nintendo Wii until the wii hours of the night. Wii played for about eight hours straight. I am super-sore all over today, but especially in my right arm. I am such a wiik sister!

And it's..... dead.

Lesson #632: Low-rise jeans call for a good belt and a pair of low-rise thongs

Friday night we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant in Chinatown for dinner. This chick was sitting at the sushi bar directly across from me like this all night. We contemplated saying something to her, but then decided the best thing for everyone would be if we just made fun of her behind her back.

More Money Talk

Went back to the financial planners today. Topic of discussion was Variable Universal Life Insurance. Anyone know anything about it or have any personal experience?

Oscar Smackdown, Bitchez

Alright all you movie junkies out there, this one's for you. My friend Housekeeper has thrown down the gauntlet (as she does every year) and has challenged me to guess as many Oscar winners as possible. I now bring a similar challenge to you. Here's your notice. Go see the movies then print this ballot:

Official Oscar Ballot

Check off your picks and then post them as a comment to this blogpost no later than 10am PST, Februay 25th, 2007 (the day of the show). The winner will get a very secret, thrilling, and amazing reward!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

We've ALMOST come to an agreement about this year's vacation destination. It's either going to be this 18-day China Tour (Brian's preference) or this 15-day Bangkok, Singapore, Bali, Hong Kong Tour (my preference). Either way, China is where it's at baby!

No Es Bueno

We went to see our financial guys last Tuesday. They wasted two hours of our time trying to sell us insurance. I called them out on the kickbacks they would be getting out of the deal. For one plan, they got every penny of the first year's premiums (which totalled about a $1,000), plus a percentage of the premiums thereafter for the life of the plan. Oh, and they gave our phone numbers to insurance agents, who have been calling us at work all week without our permission.

This wasn't at all what we thought it was going to be. They had promised us a personalized review of our current plans and investments and custom-tailored advice to fit our needs. But last Tuesday's meeting showed they hadn't done a minute's worth of work on our case, and that they were just giving us the same schpiel (sp?) they give everyone else, and that they were in it to make themselves money, not us.

We have another appointment on Tuesday. We are giving them one more shot to get to the good stuff and impress us, but the reality is we'll probably be disappointed and end up firing them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLISON!!

Moka's Arch Nemesis

So there's this OTHER black kitty that hangs around outside. He looks just like Moka, only he's an outside kitty and Moka's an inside kitty. The cat likes to come up to the sliding glass door and say hello to Moka. Brian has always shooed the cat away, saying that he's only there to taunt Moka. I've always given the cat the benefit of the doubt and assumed he just wanted to make friends. WELL, it seems Brian was right about the little bastard...

Yesterday, we were cleaning out the garage. We had the backdoor of Brian's SUV open to load stuff to take to Goodwill. Moka's arch nemesis came around after a while to see what we were doing. That was fine. Until the cat jumped into Brian's car. Brian went over and got the cat out of his trunk. He put it down and told it to shoo. Then the little turd went over to Brian's tire, sprayed it with urine, and ran off. Anyone who says cats are not vindinctive creatures is in denial. Piece of crap. That cat is getting a spray of water to the face next time I see it. And probably a phone call to the HOA.

State of the Cladeedah

Yeah yeah, I know all the pretentious bloggers out there talk trash about these kinds of posts, but so what. If you haven't noticed, this blog is not general interest. It's about me. So State of the Cladeedah posts are part of the deal. This one's for Allison, who complains that I don't blog enough.

Last Tuesday we met with our financial planner. It was the meeting where we told him how we spend our money. He laughed at us. I think it was somewhere between the $100 a month for action figures and the $5,000 we spent last year on the cat's medical bills when he finally lost it. I'm not mad. I know we are bad. It was just embarassing to have to say it out loud.

Thursday I went to a funeral. I hate funerals. It was my boss'. He had cancer. Not a whole lot to say about it.

Friday we went out and saw Babel. We took my 12-year-old nephew. As a joke, when we bought the tickets, we asked for 3 tickets for "Babar." You know, the elephant cartoon? The ticket guys looked at my nephew and asked whether I knew that it was rated R. We said yes, got the tickets and went in. Holy crap, they weren't messing around with that R-rating though, were they? The movie was alright. I don't think it's the best picture of 2006. Not as good as others I've seen, for sure. But decent.

Saturday I got my hair dyed again. It's pretty red right now. Hopefully it will fade a little bit.

The rest of the weekend we just spent with family. Oh, and I finally saw Snakes on a Plane today. It was easily the worst movie I've ever seen. It had no creative merit at all whatsoever. You could probably guess that. But just in case you had any doubts.

Mmm... my ding ding dong

Holy crap, I think this guy is for real. Ok, so the other night I was watching Beauty and the Geek, and they kept playing this bizarro song that got stuck in my head the rest of the week. Finally tonight, Brian and I searched for it online and struck internet gold. Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you Swedish singing sensation, Gunther. Definitely spend a few minutes looking over his myspace profile. It's well-worth the time investment. And thank you dear Lord Baby Jesus, there is also a music video. Make sure you watch until the end. That's where the money shot is.

This Party's Dead Anyway

We took a tour of the coroner's office today for one of our new programs. I almost didn't go into the freezer, but I didn't want to be the only one in my group to wimp out, so I went in.

The smell is the first thing you notice. It smells like a butcher's shop, only it's more of a rotting meat smell mixed with some fishiness. It's extremely pungeant. I can still smell it in my hair and I was only in there a few minutes. The bodies aren't kept in drawers the way they are on TV. Instead, it's a big, cold room with the bodies lined up on gurneys. The bodies are mostly covered except for the blue frozen feet that stick out with the toe tags on them.

As soon as I walked into the room, physiology took over. My whole body tensed up. I couldn't move. I started breathing erratically. I got dizzy. I thought I was going to pass out. The whole time I just kept telling myself not to pass out, that it'd be over any second. I would never be able to live it down at work if I passed out.

When they tried taking us deeper into the freezer where they kept the miscellaneous body-parts, I stayed put. Rows of blue feet were pretty much all I could take. Plus, I don't think I could move, even if I wanted to. At one point, a door behind me opened suddenly and I jumped. I don't know why. I was just so on-edge. It was like being in a haunted house.

The rest of the program was held in a classroom. We saw a lot of grizzly car accident photos. All the way home, I was crazy paranoid that I was going to get into a horrible car accident. Which is something I worry about all the time anyway, but this just made it 300% worse.

So, yeah, it was an interesting day at the office.

Officer Man-beautiful...

...came to court today for the first time in a long time. He said hi to me in this weird way that made me think my secret crush had been revealed. It made me super-embarassed. My co-workers said I was reading too much into his hello. I still think I'm right on the money.

Later on in the day, my co-workers played a trick on me. They said he was hitting on one of our really cute victim advocates after court. I totally didn't believe it, but still. The fact that they tried to scare me is so mean. Not that this crush is at all serious. It's just a fun, girlie past-time. (We are both very happily married people.) Just that I don't want to pretend-crush on someone who's real-crushing on my victim advocate, that's all.

Ok, that is pretty cool.

I'm not sure if other credit card companies do this. It's the first time I've seen it. Discover lets you pick your credit card design from hundreds of choices. I picked this one cuz I like giraffes. I also picked another clear, funky dots pattern. You can pick as many different card designs as you want. Pretty cool if you ask me.

Brian wondered why a credit card company would spend so much money doing such a thing. To me, it was obvious. I'm sure Discover is looking for any reason they can give customers to pass up that Visa and Mastercard and use the Discover. I'm personally more likely to reach for this card now that it's got the positive connotation of my favorite animal. And since Discover gives a pretty good cashback bonus, there's no good reason not to.

The Good Shepherd

We went to see The Good Shepherd on Saturday. I didn't like it. In part, I wasn't prepared for a three-hour movie. But I also think that if you're going to keep me in a movie theatre for three hours, there better be a damn good reason, and this movie just didn't justify that type of time commitment. I thought Angelina Jolie was terribly miscast. The story wasn't tight enough. The pacing was waaaaaaay too slow. There were too many simultaneous plotlines. And too many unnecessary characters that felt like Robert DeNiro was just trying to fit all of his friends into the film (including himself). The worst part was that there was no payoff for all of your attentiveness. I read a review afterward that said this movie left you wanting to see a better spy movie. That's exactly how I felt about it. Luckily, the trailers previewed two new spy movies coming out soon. Maybe one of them will be better.

Buzz Buzz Buzz

We watched Pan's Labyrinth last weekend. It _is_ as good as they say. It's a Spanish film, so look for it for sure in the foreign film category at the Oscars. Maybe even in the best actress category for the 11-year-old lead. Here's an interview with the director. It's definitely one to check out when it comes out in your area.

Those darn Boy Scouts

I always knew it was some kind of lawless street gang.

Boy Scouts Set Utah Wildfire

This song's always stuck in my head.

Close Call

I almost got in an accident today in the Costco parking lot. It would've been her fault, but it still would have sucked. Somehow I was able to stop my car in time. Which surprises me, cuz my brakes kinda suck. I thought for sure I was going to hit her.

Beauty and the Geek

...is my new favorite TV show. I love love love how nerdy the guys on the show are. They are so endearing. And the girls are so ditsy, it's hilarious. Brian and I like to play along with the contestants on the quiz challenge at the end of every show. He tries to answer the questions on fashion and pop culture along with the geeks and I try to answer the questions about politics and aeronautics alongside the beauties. It's actually pretty funny how geeky he is and how ditsy I am.

Does that make me racist?

The other day, I was walking out of the front lobby of my office, and this guy is standing right in front of the exit doors, staring at me. As I get close to him/the exit, he says to me: "Keshia?"

I was like, "No, sorry," and just kept going. But it kinda perplexed me. Isn't Keshia usually a black girl name? Do I really look like a Keshia? Then I felt bad. Was this guy just, like, totally progressive and I'm this stereotyping bigot for thinking it was a silly question?

Typhoid Cladeedah

The last two weeks, a bunch of people have been coming in to work sick. One day, we had 4 sick people all at once coughing and hacking and sniffling and snotting up their germs everywhere. I did not hesitate to give them crap about coming in. When they denied they were contagious or that they would get anyone else sick, I sent them each a link to this Wikipedia article about Typhoid Mary.

Basically, Typhoid Mary was this lady who was a dormant carrier of the Typhoid Fever virus. She refused to quit her job as a cook because she was in denial. She used fake names and got hired over and over again, infecting people every bit of the way. She infected 47 people, 3 of whom died. Ultimately, she died alone in forced quarantine. Yeah, sad story. Except for that the stubborn broad wouldn't have had to die alone if she'd just stayed home from work or become a telemarketer or something.

So now thanks to all the Typhoid Marys at work, I'm now sick as a dog. I have 3 huge trials tomorrow that I HAVE TO do. We're already one attorney down this week, and I can't continue these cases anymore. So it looks like I'm pulling a reverse Typhoid Mary on all those bastards that got me sick. Sorry guys, I ain't proud, but you did bring it upon yourselves.

Apparently, I suck

This was supposed to be my New Year's resolutions blogpost, but then, as I was making my list, I realized that this year's list is not at all different from last year's. So I'm just going to keep the same list and note my progress where applicable. Here's my scorecard one year later:

1. Stop talking on the cell phone on the drive home from work. (I actually did pretty good with this one. I talk on the phone maybe once every two weeks now.)
2. Make a budget and stick to it. (We didn't do so well here. With the cat getting sick, it was hard to stick to a budget. Christmas was a killer too. But this month we're hiring a financial planner, so hopefully I'll do better this year.)
3. Buy a house. (Does it count if we returned it during the opt-out period? No, for real. This year, HOUSE!)
4. Finish my estate administration duties. (I'm just going to hire someone. It's obvious I can't do this.)
5. Go to bed every night by 10:30. (Not doing so well with this one.)
6. Visit the gym at least three times a week. (So far, so good.)
7. Get to work at 7am, NOT 7:30. (This one may have actually gotten worse.)
8. Do something interesting and different with my hair this year. (I dyed it red at one point. The people at work freaked. Everyone else said it wasn't that different. I think this year I'll cut it or else get bangs.)
9. Clean out the garage. (25% done baby!)
10. Eat breakfast before work. (Ha.)
11. Get invisalign braces. (Maybe next year.)
12. Get the damn tooth implant that I've been too scared to get. (Got the referral today.)
13. Keep the dishes clean. (Doing a little better.)
14. Watch the Netflix I've had for over 6 months, or else just cancel the damn subscription. (Cancelled baby!)
15. Finish reading those stupid books (Gave up. Too many magazines, too little time.)
16. Stop blogging/playing on the internet at work. (Done!)
17. Watch less TV in order to get all of the above done. (Done, surprisingly.)
18. Have a notebook handy at all times and actually jot down good ideas and interesting dreams. (Done, but never used.)

Sac 'n Crack Update

This is a bit overdue. Please accept my late entry. So David finally went and got his Sac 'n Crack done. Here is a paraphrasing of my interview w/ him:

1. What position or positions were required? Two. Missionary and Doggie-style.
2. How much did they take off? Waist to waist (gesturing front to back)
3. Did you splurge and purchase the $5 numbing cream? Yes. (Lame!)
4. Was the $70 gift certificate sufficient to cover your needs? Yes. (Thanks for the advice, David's exes!)
5. Did it hurt? Yes. It was intermittent spurts of "blinding" pain.
6. What did the lady say who did it (if anything)? She was really nice. A good balance of comforting and professional.
7. Are you going to keep it maintained? Why or why not? No. Too expensive and too painful.
8. Does it feel different? Yes. It's definitely a new experience.
9. Overall, are you glad you did it? Yes. It's something that every man should try at least once.

So there you have it. See? I'm not mean. He liked his present. Every man should have one. Valentine's Day is just around the corner ladies...

New Year, New Template

I always liked this one better anyway.

Not blogging is actually a good sign.

It means I'm having too much fun doing other stuff. The last two weeks have been crazy. The week between Christmas & New Year's, we went out every night. In that time, we saw Cirque Du Soleil Love at the Mirage and the Phantom of the Opera Spectacular at the Venetian.

Love was amazing. It was less acrobatic than some of the other Cirque shows though, focusing instead on dancing, costumes, and really cool art direction. It's now my second favorite Cirque show (after Ka). I gotta say, the Cirque shows have never let me down.

Phantom, on the other hand, was dumb. It was so cheesy, I laughed out loud in some parts that I don't think were meant to be funny. Apparently, the Vegas version cuts out a lot of the character development for the Phantom and his relationship with Christine. So I had no love for the Phantom. I thought he was a loser, and being deformed didn't justify his being a stalker. I didn't really care too much about Christine either, actually. The singing in the show was good and all, I just thought the story and the art direction on the show were lame. Oh well.

I gotta get back to work now. I'll try to be better about the blogging, I swear. In the meantime, did you hear that the OC just got cancelled???? Feel free to discuss.

The nerve of some bitchez

Target cashiers are officially on this week's tripping list. The other day this snatch tried rushing me through my transaction. Then today, some little Target cashier ho-bag tried picking up on my husband!

I guess he was checking out, (I wasn't there, lucky for her) and this little ho was all, "Wow, you're tall. How tall are you? Blah blah blah..." You know, the usual. So Brian tells her, and then she's all like, "Wow. Is your girlfriend tall?" And Brian says, "Yeah, my WIFE is 6'5"." (Hint hint, bitch.) Then, (this is when the little ho-bag signed off on her own death warrant) bitch goes, "Oh. Well. Have you ever been with a short girl before?"

All Brian could think was, "Oh my God, you have no idea how quickly my wife would have snatched out your eyes just now if she had heard you say that." From then on, he just focused all his attention on the credit card keypad, all the while thinking, "My wife is going to find this girl and kill her if I keep talking to her." Damn right. Hooker is lucky I gave Brad back his AK.

Go JT.

Wow. Now I know exactly what I want for Xmas. (Hint hint, Brian.) This is not safe for work, I'd say.

I got to say it was a good day...

Today I didn't even have to use my AK. Yesterday is an altogether different story. We went shooting with Brad. It was freezing, so I stayed in the car and gossiped for the most part, but I did get out a few times and shoot a rifle, a 357 Magnum, and an AK-47. Here are the pics from my camera. Brad has way more.

Crockpot Mondays

"Why does this blog suck so hard nowadays?," you may be asking yourself. Well, you see, I used to blog on Mondays, but now that it's gotten cold outside, my Mondays are instead devoted to slow-cooking comfort food in the crockpot. By the time i get done shopping, chopping, etc., there's just simply no time for blogging. Like today. The good news is that in the last couple of weeks, we've enjoyed steak chili, french dips and bbq beef sandwiches. Today it's Chicken Cacciatore. And the whole house gets warm and smells good all day. Please understand. It's not you, it's the weather.

Random sidebar: There was a dead pigeon laying next to my car when I went out this morning. What am I supposed to do with that? I changed parking spots for now, and will probably have Brian process the dead bird when he comes home.

Some days you just can't win...

Today was so bad. Where do I start? Well, first, I got to work and I realized that I wore navy blue socks with my black suit and black shoes. Nice. At least I had matching shoes on today.

Then, on my way to court, I heard the new rumor that's been going around since the big court Christmas party on Saturday - that I must have robbed the cradle because my husband looks so much younger than me. Oh my gosh, if one more person suggests that I look old, I am going to KILL! WE'RE THE SAME FRICKIN' AGE PEOPLE! I WEAR SPF 15 ON MY FACE EVERYDAY DAMMIT!!

So then I went to the White Elephant party at work, swearing up and down I wasn't going to get stuck with the worst present this time, and then, sure enough, I got a broken animatronic snowglobe.

Also, while at the party, I mentioned to a co-worker that my boss (who has cancer) wasn't going to be at the party because he was sick. Well, she thought I meant sick like the flu and said, "Oh good!" in response because she's really uncomfortable around him. So I tell her that he's actually REALLY sick. Like in the hospital with cancer sick. So she starts feeling bad about being happy he was sick then says she'd totally feel like crap if he died. Yeah. Well, as if even having that conversation wasn't bad enough, it turns out his secretary totally heard it all. Man, I feel like an asshole.

Later in the day, I got a phone call about Moka - he's been at the vet since yesterday for more urinary problems. Looks like it's going to be another $500 just to find out what's wrong. Sh*t...

Even later that day, I find out that Brian's been art directing a nude photo shoot with strippers all day, and that yes, he had to touch them to pose them. Oh, and he's not going to be home until very late tonight because the ad is due tomorrow. "Oh, and, by the way," he said. "You're not allowed to get breast implants." WTF?

What is wrong with today??

Shoes

This morning, I accidentally put on one black shoe and one brown shoe. I've been walking around all day hoping nobody would notice. What a nerd!

Addendum

Woops, forgot to post the pic of Jesse cuddling the Wii one last time before giving it up until Christmas.

Wii like to party.

After weeks of calling all the local toy and electronics stores, and surfing the Wii-tracking web sites, victory is finally ours. We waited outside of Toys R' Us yesterday at 7 a.m., and were lucky enough to get a Wii for Briian, a Wii for Jessii, and a Wii for Daviid. The boys couldn't resist playing a little bit yesterday after we got home, but now the system is officially off-limits until Christmas.

Sac n' Crack

So the other day, Brian and I are at this strip mall having dinner, when we notice a store nearby called "Box." "Hmm.. wonder what that is?," we thought. A stationary store? Maybe a packaging design studio? Brian couldn't resist investigating.

Inside, the place was super-posh-trendy-chic. There were notecards on the table that read: "Get Rid of Bush." Brian picked up a "menu" that featured something called a "Sac n' Crack." WTF?

Turns out it was a saucy waxing salon. Props to the owners for having a sense of humor.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. Brian, David and I are in Japan. David insists on having as many new experiences as possible, regardless of whether they're good or bad. For example: 1) trying snot-like, dirty-garbage-disposal-tasting stuff called natto, 2) touching a hot faucet that clearly warned "Hot! Do not touch!," and 3) partaking in naked fun at a gay bath house - er, I mean - a public bath house. When he started getting on my case about not wanting to do unpleasant things in the name of trying something new, that's when I realized what David was getting for his birthday.

David's birthday was about a week after we got back from Japan. He liked new experiences? Well, he was about to get one. Yes, I got him a ball and ass waxing for his birthday. Yes, he says he's going to do it.

Buying the gift certificate was an experience in and of itself. The lady wanted to know how hairy David was down there. Apparently, it affects the price. Uh..... I have no idea how hairy David is down there, and I don't even want to begin to imagine. She also wanted to know if he'd ever done it before. Again, I don't even want to go there. They had the option to purchase a topical numbing cream for $5 more, but I didn't bother with that, figuring he'd want the full experience.

Stay tuned for the details...

Blast From the Past

One year ago today, I used this time-capsule email website to send myself an email one year in the future. I just got it today. It's kinda cool actually. Anyway, here's what it said:

"HI CLAUDIA!!

It's Nov. 28th, 2005. You and Brian just got married about 3 weeks ago. You just got back from seeing Walk The Line - the movie about Johnny Cash starring Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix - they were both really good in it. Anyway, the boys are over at your condo right now. Jesse is 11 - Tony is 5. Baby Andrew is 6 months old. He's in LA with Diana. Diana is packing up getting ready to leave big Andrew and move back to Vegas. Mom is sleeping in the living room. She's been sick for a few days w/ vertigo.

Brian has been the best husband a girl could ever wish for. You guys are madly madly in love. The cats, Enid and Moka are 7 and 4 respectvely. They are bad kitties who always fight.

It's the end of Thanksgiving weekend and Allison just left town. She was pretty pissed at you for saying she was too abraisive sometimes.

Work is fine. You hate both your judges, and the cases are pains in the ass, but you like the pay and the 4-day work weeks, so what are you going to do?

What else? That's about it I guess. We are just starting out w/ this marriage thing and figuring out our goals.

Take care - hope all is still well in the future.

Claudia"

Wow. See how I predicted Joaquin and Reese would both get Oscar nods? Well okay fine. I did note they were both good though! Anyway... All is still well. The only major differences now are that 1) my sister is back together now with big Andrew, 2) my mom doesn't live with me anymore, 3) Allison's no longer mad at me (I hope), and 4) I like my job a lot more now! What a difference a year makes.

My friend Sophie, she's the bomb

Just got done having dinner with my friend Sophie from Reno. We have SO much fun when we're together. It's uber-bizarro cuz she's like 4'10" and 88 lbs and I'm like 6'5" and twice her weight, but we are still so much alike. It was such a relief to talk with her tonight. Like maybe I don't have a personality disorder if she has some of the same issues that I do.

It's an old-friend-triple-bonus-week too. I got to see Greg this week while he was down from Knoxville. AND on Friday, my old roommate Maggie comes to town, so I get to see her AND her hot husband AND their new baby Indy. YAY!

Auto-blogging 101

Sweet! All I have to do is sit back and let Shannon do all the work. Just like high school science class! Here's part two of our Japanese adventure tale. I'll be in the back row gossiping with the other girls, in case you need me.

Kitty Jail

Enid has officially crossed the line. While we were away, she crapped repeatedly in every room of the house and peed on 1) our bed, 2) our coffee table (and mail), and 3) our dining table (nearly ruining my brand new Tori Amos collector's box set). I should also reiiterate the fact that we are STILL sitting on Spider-man folding chairs because she peed on both of our couches last month. Nothing is safe from her crazy peeing and pooping rampages. I have begged Brian to let me get rid of her, but being the sweet, gentle, forgiving spirit that he is, he just can't bring himself to allow it.

But something has to be done. I've been looking online, and I think we've found our solution: kitty jail.

Yes... incapacitation seems to be the only solution. My mom says it's mean to keep her in a cage, but I disagree. The cat spends most of her time hiding in my closet or under the bed anyway, so the small space should not be a problem. Besides, she might even like having her own space and her own food and catbox. She hates Moka and always fights with him anyway.

If she were sane enough to be an outside kitty, we would make her one. But she's not. She's crazy and jumpy and afraid of people, so we're fairly certain she'd dart out in front of a car and get run over within seconds of being set free. Also, she's aggressive, HATES children, and obviously has catbox issues, so we're also fairly certain no one else would have her and that she'd end up ultimately getting euthanized.

So we think this is a fair compromise. She'll still be allowed out when we're home. But when we're asleep or away, it's back on kitty house arrest for her.

Trying so hard not to go back to sleep...

This jet lag is really kicking my butt. I did so well with it when we got to Japan. I didn't sleep the night before we left, just because I still had so much stuff to do and because I was so excited about going. When we got there, I was super-tired, but was so amped to be there, I had no desire to sleep. So then when it finally came time to go to bed there, I was good to go. I slept through every night without a problem and woke up by 5:30 or 6am every morning.

Coming back is WAY harder. The first two nights back, I couldn't get to sleep before 2am. And I was so tired the next morning, it was hard getting up before 1:30pm.

Last night, I was finally able to go to bed at 10:30pm. I was so happy when I woke up because I thought I'd managed to sleep through the night. Turns out, it was only 2am. So I layed in bed awake for at least an hour, hoping to doze off. This morning, I forced myself out of bed at 9am, but it was rough. Now I'm dragging... fighting the urge to go back to bed.

Dang, cock-blogged again!

Since my Japan-posts probably won't be as prompt or as neat and organized as Shannon's, you should probably read her's first. Here's her first one. I'll post mine once I've organized the 500+ photos we took.

We're baaack.

Here's how Brian, David, Shannon & I spent the last 28 hours:

11/9, 9am (Japan-time) - Took bus from Kyoto to the Osaka-Kansai airport. (2 hours)
11/9, 11am (Japan-time) - Checked-in at airport, went through customs and waited for flight to Seoul, Korea. (2.5 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Japan-time) - Flew from Osaka to Seoul (2 hours)
11/9, 3:30pm (still Japan time) - Arrived in Seoul. Waited for connecting flight to LAX. (4 hours)
11/9, 7:30pm (still Japan-time) - Flew from Seoul to LAX (with little to no foot room). (11 hours)
11/9, 1:30pm (Pacific Time) - Landed in L.A. Went through customs. Waited for flight to Las Vegas. (4.5 hours)
11/9, 6:00pm (Pacific Time) - Flew from L.A. to Las Vegas. (1 hour)
11/9, 7:00pm - (Pacific Time) - Waited for luggage and got a ride home. (1 hour)
11/9, 8:00pm - (Pacific Time) - WE'RE HOME!!!

tt took 28 hours for us to get back, yet we managed to fit it all into just one day. Transcending time and space is so totally bitchin'...

Aa, segatakai desu!

That means "Oh, they're tall!" in Japanese. I imagine we'll be hearing that a lot in the next 10 days. So, yeah, time's up, we're officially gone. We'll be back some time around November 9th. Here's our tour so you can think of us and where we are while we're gone. I'll try hard to find email access and to send postcards. LOTS OF LOVE!! BYE!!

Nevada Day + Veteran's Day = Love

After today, I don't have to go to work for another 19 days. YAY! And I have the okay from the vet to pick Moka up tomorrow morning. YAY! And since I have the day off for Nevada Day, I get to spend all day with my baby. YAY! AND, BEST OF ALL, I get on a plane for Tokyo in just FIVE days. LESS THAN ONE WEEK, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!

Holy TALLedo!

All kinds of stuff happened this weekend. I don't have time to get into all of it, so I'll just do one thing at a time. Friday night was the first night of Amazonfest. Because we were at the vet for a lot of the early evening, we didn't make it out to the bar where the tall girls were until about 11:30pm. By then, there were only three tall chicks left. So I introduced myself to them. Then they went back to dancing and what-not so I started to make my way out of the place. But then all these tall-lady-fanciers stopped me and asked for pictures and web site info and chatted me up. It was a very interesting experience overall. I wish I could have met more tall girls though. They invited me to the next evening's "private party," but I had birthday plans, so I couldn't make it. Anyway, here are the few pics I took:

Me and Alexis Skye


Me and some guys who wanted pictures for their tall chick collection

Moka Update #3

Yay! He's peeing on his own through his new vagina!! We still have to make sure he can do it for the next two days, but for now this is really good news!!

Moka Update #2

Ok, so he made it through the surgery, but he's not out of the woods yet. This vet said Moka is the most extreme case she's seen in 25 years. He's got bad damage to the inside of his urethra. If he can't pee on his own after this surgery, he'll have to be put down. His odds are "better then 50%," according to her.

Moka Update

So things have gone from bad to worse w/ Moka. As you know, last Wednesday Moka was diagnosed with crystals in his urethra, which caused blockage and didn't allow him to pee and made him sick.

Friday, when the vet went to take out his catheter, it wouldn't come out. Apparently, this is extraordinarily unusual, so the vet panicked. She employed two more vets to try and take out the stuck catheter, and they had no success. So they, too, panicked. They called me, and I freaked out. They said that I should take him back to the emergency vet who put it in to see if he could get it out,

I was furious. What if the original vet said to fuck off, that he didn't do anything wrong, and refused to see the cat? And what could he even do that three vets hadn't already tried? What the hell was going to happen to my cat? And what kind of hospital pushes a patient out the door with a catheter still stuck in them?

After much worry and anguish, we took Moka back to the original vet on Friday night. He managed to get the catheter out and didn't charge us anything for that procedure or to house him that night. The next day though, it was back to the drawing board with regard to treating the crystals. They put in a new catheter and then took it out Sunday and waited to see if he could pee on his own.

He has not been able to. So they asked us if we wanted to make one more attempt with a third catheter. We said no. Moka's suffered with this catheter nonsense for 6 days now, and it's cost us $1900, and we're still in the same position we were in the very first night.

Girl cats don't usually have the crystals problem, so the ultimate answer to all this crystal business is a sex change operation. We think it's innevitable in Moka's case, so we're doing it sooner rather than later. So he's scheduled for the procedure tomorrow around 12pm. I'm going in today to see him and say goodbye to his man-cat-hood forever.

:-(

The Best Birthday Card Ever

My best friend Allison prides herself on sending me the weirdest birthday cards imagineable. She looks all year long for just the right one. The less they make sense, the better.

This year, she truly outdid herself:

Front

Inside


WHUH? HA!!! That definitely takes the chicken cake. Thanks Allison & Kelly. :-* (smooches)

Animal ER

We got home around 11pm last night. I could tell something was wrong when I opened the front door. The place was oddly quiet. I didn't realize until later that it was because Moka, my baby kitty, wasn't there to greet me like he usually is. A short time later, Brian noticed Moka wasn't himself. He refused to get up. He was really quiet, except for a small, pained meow here and there. (He's usually super-chatty.) So at 11:30pm, we took him to the animal ER.

Turns out his urethra was blocked, and he needed an immediate procedure or else his bladder could burst or his kidneys could fail, and he could die. So he got it done overnight. This morning Brian took him to the regular vet. They say he needs to stay hospitalized for about 2 days.

Last night's animal ER bill: $922. Nevernmind what's coming from the regular vet.

((SIGH))

My new favorite band...

...singing my new favorite song:


good day (by the dresden dolls)

so you dont want to hear about my good song?
and you dont want to hear about how i am getting on
with all the things that i can get done
the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
so you don't want to hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?
you dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence
success is in the eye of the beholder
and its looking even better over your cold shoulder

i'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning
but jesus think about the bridges you are burning
and i'm betting
that even though you knew it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

so go ahead and talk about your bad day...
i want all the details of the pain and misery
that you are inflicting on the others
i consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took up croquet today and i'm on fire

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

hey! its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i had so much fun today and i'm on fire
god it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
i'm on fire...
i'm on fire...
so you dont want to hear about my good day?

We are so freakin' cool

Lame stuff and more lame stuff

Fat Enid, our special needs cat, had one of her special needs episodes about a week and a half ago and peed on both of our sofas, so our exciting news is that we're looking for new couches and that we're sitting on Spider-man folding chairs until we get them. Here are the boys after they managed to chuck our sofa-bed into the dumspter:

I was totally impressed. So yeah, if you have cheap, modern, gorgeous couches in tan or cream or light blue, or know of a good place to get that, let us know.

Also last week, the alarm clock I've had for 11 years finally died. Then last night the washer started leaking water all over the floor. The repairman came over today and told us nothing was wrong with it. Oh really? Explain THE FU%@ING CREEK IN MY GO@DA#N HALLWAY THEN, MOTHERFU*@ER. The water got under the Pergo, so now we may have to replace both the washer and the floor.

You know all this is happening all at once now because we have our Japan trip coming up in 3 weeks and because I actually managed to pay off my credit cards AND save money for the trip. Sayonara to that now. (The spending money, not the trip. You'd have to kill me for me not to get on that plane.)

In other lame news, I saw Employee of the Month and School for Scoundrels this weekend. Both solid C+'s. Then again, I wasn't expecting very much. Oh, and Jennifer Simpson (as my 84-year-old husband calls her) stil can't act, in case you were wondering about how those acting classes worked out for her.

BRAINS!!!

LAST NIGHT WENT FIRST FRIDAY. WANT EAT BRAINS. PEOPLE RUN. ERGHHH. PEOPLE SAY DISGUSTING. OTHER THINK WE FRIENDLY. WANT PICTURES. WE WANT EAT BRAINS!!!

PICTURES HERE.

Amazonfest

Amazonfest is coming to Las Vegas October 20th through the 22nd. From what I can tell, it's like a convention for tall-fetish internet vixens and their admirers. I think I'll go. Not because I need my ego stroked by the fetishists. Just to meet other girls who are taller than me. Should be an interesting experience.

My prayers have been answered

Good news Tori fans! The All-Tori-Amos-All-the-Time online radio station you've been waiting for is now active! Now you don't have to bother with all that other so-called "music" from other artists. Listen here.

So you don't dry clean silicone then?

This morning, I asked Brian to take my dry cleaning basket to the cleaners by his office. So he gets there, and he starts pulling out clothes, when, all of a sudden, a giant, hot pink rubber dildo falls out of the pile onto the counter. (FYI, this is the novelty dildo my sister got for a game at my now-infamous bachelorette party. I don't really have a place for it, so it's been in my closet for nearly a year. I guess when I was straightening up the other day, the dildo somehow ended up in the dry cleaning basket.)

So I asked Brian what he did at that point. What he said after it fell onto the counter. "Nothing," he said. "There's not really anything you can say when a dildo falls out of your clothes at the dry cleaner." He just picked it up, put it back in the basket and continued with the transaction.

Poor guy. I don't think he's going to be taking my dry cleaning in for me anymore after this. :-|

Sac Pics

Here are a couple pics of my recent Sacramento trip taken w/ a crappy disposable camera. (Topless shots omitted.)

Cat Lad

My 12-year-old nephew is so special. Last weekend, he decided on a super-hero alterego for himself. His name is Cat Lad. Cat Lad has the ability to make super-powerful fur-balls of doom. He also has acid-like urine and poisonous saliva. Oddly enough, Cat Lad's daytime alias is Moka Chaloka. Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's not my character.

Anyway, here's an artist's rendering of Cat Lad. (Not sure what the purse is all about.)

And here's the real deal. Here's Cat Lad:

Here's Cat Lad in battle:


Cat Lad and his mascot:

Cat Lad showing off his mad climbing skillz:

Cat Lad incognito:

Cat Lad in his Cat-mobile:

Cat Lad saving a little boy from imminent peril:

So anyway, this has been my nephew's new thing for a little over a week now. Cat Lad comes out everywhere we go. This weekend, while furniture shopping with Cat Lad, we walked past two other little boys. Cat Lad let out his signature Cat Lad meowlp. The other boys responded with their own super-hero calls. One barked like a dog and the other made a noise like an elephant. The meowing and barking and elephant noises continued until we got into the car. Children can be so special.

Nice guys...

Today, a girl walked up to Brian in the grocery store parking lot and asked him for gas money because she'd run out of gas. Like he always does in this type of situation, Brian offered to go get her gas in the spare can he keeps in his car. Usually, the beggars come clean after that and admit they don't really want gas, just money. This time though, the girl said okay, she'd like the gas.

So Brian is pleasantly surprised. He goes to the gas station down the street, fills up his gas can and comes back. Shockingly, the girl is gone when he returns.

The moral of the story? People suck. Why even bother?

Sickening

Er-bear, one of my Reno biatchez, was in town today for business. We met for pizza and pie and gossip. I think I convinced her to move down here. (Yay!) :-) Here's us:


And here's this totally sickening couple I know:

This is what you get, when you mess w/ us

One of my girlfriends saw this site, DontDateHimGirl.com on Doctor Phil last week. She started poking around and found a guy our other friend Chesty had dated for several years. We told her all along he was shady. We're 99.9% sure this is him.

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love

I finally posted the pics of Allison & Kelly's wedding. So cute!

Yo' cat is so fat...

My cat is so fat, she needs a double-wide catbox just so her big ass can fit. The other day, she couldn't quite get it all in there, so she accidentally peed on the outside. No really. She really does need a plus-size box.

No pie for you!

I fretted for weeks about what pie I was going to enter into the pie contest. I even did a test run of Todd's famous buorbon walnut pie, but I f-ed it all up, so it just made me more scared.

It didn't help that Megan F. (creator of Pie Contest) had been preparing her pie for four months, or that she had been saving her filling in the freezer since cherry season. Or that she had a partner. Or that they talked A LOT of trash. So there was definitely an intimidation factor there.

I mulled it over in my head over and over. I went through varying stages - confusion, hope, fear, anger, denial, defiance. In the end, the pressure was too much. I punked out.

Instead of making a pie, my friend Megan S. and I made green enchiladas. In an even more brazen showing of defiance, Megan insisted that one batch be stuffed with bagged spinach. (Damn, I miss me some Megan.) In the end, we placed 2nd in the "That's Not a Pie!" category. Not too shabby.

The real reward though was the trip up there. It was fabulous to see my amazing law school girlfriends again. They are so cool & fun & amazing. And downtown Sacramento is hands-down the cutest place on earth. Oh, and a sweet girl I met up there showed me her nipples. And even let me take pictures! Oh what a weekend, indeed!

James Blunt or Five For Fighting?

I listen to the adult Top 40 station every day as I get ready for work (mostly for the celebrity gossip). As a result, we hear a lot of James Blunt and a lot of Five For Fighting. Brian hates both of these artists and can't tell them apart. So we have this game that we play now. It's called "James Blunt or Five For Fighting?" It's pretty self-explanatory, I guess. Brian hears a song by one of them and tries to guess which artist it is. He is really bad at this game, which totally cracks me up. The other day, I threw in a Neville Brothers song, just to mess with his head. Oh man, I laughed and laughed.

Ugly Mug

So the other day, a "friend" of mine (who shall remain nameless... COUGH COUGH Kelly) starts telling me a story. She starts it like this:

"When I first met you, I thought you were ugly, but then BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

So you can pretty much tell where I stopped listening.

"Are you drunk?" I asked. "No," she said.

She wondered why I was so aghast at what she'd just said. She insisted that the point of her story was to give me a compliment, but I don't know... it's hard to get past the idea that someone actually thinks you're ugly. Not just okay, or so-so, or mildy attractive. The polar opposite. Ugly. Hideous. Repulsive.

So now I have a complex. Which I honestly, truly never had before. So yeah. People think I'm ugly. That's crazy. How could I not have known something like this? I am so humbled.

Fu*kin' Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Nevermind that title, that song has just been in my head today. It's one of our favorite karaoke classics. :-)

So wow, it's been like almost a whole week since I blogged, huh? Here's a rambly post summing up what's been going on w/ me lately...

1) I dyed my hair red and cut off about 7 inches or so a week and a half ago. It's kinda subtle, but not really.

2) Went to Allison & Kelly's wedding. It was super-nice and we had a good time. We met some amazing best-friends-of-the-weekend - a young doctor from Chicago and her flamboyantly straight doctor-to-be husband. We took pictures, but Brian has the camera with him in his man-bag, so I haven't been able to upload them to the internets. Here are a couple pictures our best-friends-of-the-weekend sent us to tie you over:

The blushing brides


The Wine Ceremony


Best-friends-of-the-weekend


Attempting to congratulate the bride


3) Japanese class has been kicking my butt. It's 4 units and it's too late to audit. It's going to be really embarassing when I fail a community college class.

4) I'm heading up to Sacramento this weekend to see my law school girlfriends. It's going to be a pie party in more ways than one!

5) The Reno Biatches and I are brainstorming an all-girl's getaway for the Spring. Any ideas??

Cry-cry some more...

We just un-bought the house we bought last Friday. We are so sad and emotional about it. It was just too much too fast. With better planning, we'll be able to get another house later on under much less stressful conditions.

Well at least it wasn't a bear...

I know it's messed up, but Brian and I couldn't help chuckling when we heard that the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray. At least it wasn't a crocodile. (Or a bear.)

Lesbo Wedding

In other news, my best friend is getting married here this weekend and I get to be part of the ceremony. YAY!! I also get to see some old friends from high school and college. YAY AGAIN!!

Wait, what?

I can't believe it. We got the house. I'm going to throw up. This is so exciting.

In other crazy news, I checked with my boss and he confirmed that I got a raise for my two-year anniversary. Surprise surprise!

We are SO not going to get this house...

...but we figured we'd try and put a bid in anyway. It's got a nice, open floor plan and huge windows on the side and back, overlooking the private courtyard and the pool. Fingers crossed.

Sitting here. Hard as calculus.

We started our new Japanese class tonight. It's 4 hours a week and it's hard as fu*k. Last semester was just learning to talk. This semester is learning to read and write. I'm considering auditing so I don't stress myself out too bad.

"I had a nightmare I was a blonde"

That was written on a t-shirt I saw at the mall today. I thought it was really funny. (Sorry Randi)

Then I had the blondest moment ever today while we were meeting with our loan officer. I had told him over the phone that my salary was a certain amount, and that I had just gotten a 3% cost of living increase, so I wasn't sure what my new annual salary worked out to be.

So at our meeting, I brought in my latest paycheck stub and we did the math and it turns out I actually make 26% more than I thought I was making. I think I actually squeeled when he told me what my gross annual income was. It was like finding a $20 bill in an old pair of jeans, only WAY better.

How the heck could I not have known this? Where the heck did this 26% increase come from? Did I get some raise I was unaware of? Is it some kind of mistake? Did my boss use the wrong salary table when he told me what my salary step was going to be? Is someone in HR screwing with me?

It was pretty obvious the loan officer thought I was a total idiot. Who doesn't calculate their hourly rate and then multiply it times the hours worked per year?? At the end of our meeting, he gave us a card for a financial planner and strongly suggested we start keeping better track of our finances. Now that we're going to be all grown up with a mortgage, I think I'm going to go ahead and follow that advice.

Reality Executives

Our realtor works for a company called Realty Executives. It's weird though. Every time I read the sign, I think it saya Reality Executives. Like they're going to help you with executing your preferred reality or something.

No Such Thing As Too Tall

Three different people sent me this study, which talks about why tall people make more money than average-sized people. According to the study, it's got nothing to do with our confidence or our dominating statures. It's actually just that we're smarter than everyone else. So there it is. You can't argue with science.

What is my eye-gouging problem?

I scratched my eyeball again. This is the third time. I'm not sure what my problem is. Hard contact lenses just suck I guess.

At the very least, it's enough to make me start watching again.

The next season of Survivor will divide the tribes up according to race. Potentially eye-opening social study or cheap reality show ratings gimmick? Discuss.

Weightwatcher's Flunkee

I think I'm the first person ever to quit Weightwatcher's before I ever even got started.

There's a group of people at my job that do Weightwatcher's meetings every Wednesday at lunchtime. I've been thinking lately that I could stand to lose a few pounds in my middle areas, so I decided to join the latest 10-week session (cost = $120).

So I had my "last fried zucchini" for breakfast this morning, and decided to go to the meeting at noon. As it got closer to the time though, I started to panic. How could I ever enjoy fried ice cream again, knowing how many "points" it was costing me? And what about sushi buffet? Sabritones? Taco Bell Mexican Pizza?? Dessert Diner??? Pie Contest????

When my friend came to get me for the meeting, I was actually pretty worked up. "I'm not going!" I yelled.

I rationalized my decision by saying that I'd instead use the money to buy a mini-fridge so I could make my own salads and sandwiches instead of eating fast-food for lunch every day. And that I really did need 2400 calories a day to survive, seeing as how I am 6-foot-5. And that all I really need to do is exercise more. So this will just be extra incentive. I don't need Weightwatchers, I can do it on my own!

So there you have it. I'm a Weightwatchers flunkee before I even started. At least I didn't have to lose $120 to figure it out.

Speaking of being neurotic about food, check out the latest picture of Nicole Ritchie out of Star Magazine.


Yeah, that really makes me want to stop eating my Sabritones. Uh-huh...

Pie party, here I come

So my super-amazingly-fun-friend Megan F. holds a pie contest every year in her home in Sacramento. I was there for the first pie contest (I think it was the first one, anyway). And then the second. Every year, it's gotten bigger and bigger. Now it's a huge deal. Everyone comes and there are sooo many pies. Even if you have just a half-bite of each, you still leave with a huge stomach-ache, craving water and bacon (and anything else that might help your system dilute the sugar). But the tasting itself is heavenly, and therefore totally worth the stomach-ache...

So this year's Pie Contest is Sep. 17th. Megan F. suggested I fly up for it, and I accepted her invitation. I'm also going to see my law school buddies Megan S. and Rebecca, who both just got done with their respective world travels.

Back to the Pie Contest though. I need a recipe. One that's going to kick butt at this pie party. I've never even placed before. The closest I've come is being engaged to Brian when his cobbler won in the "That's Not a Pie" category. Megan S. has already thrown down the gauntlet and threatened to annihilate us with something from her Mormon-bred, from-scratch arsenal of recipes. I now turn to you, the citizens of Blogville to see if you can help me rise up and win the Pie Contest.

The funniest movie I've seen in a really long time...

...is Little Miss Sunshine. I haven't laughed so hard in a movie since Zoolander. Everyone should go see it. It was kooky and sweet and HILARIOUS!

Cry-cry, cry-cry

Someone else bought our house. :-(

We met with a realtor today to discuss a reasonable price. Once we came up with one and he called to make an offer, the seller told him it was already in escrow. I cried. We already had the kitty garden all laid out in our minds. We were figuring out where the entertainment center would go and which way the bed would face. We envisioned our super-fun First Friday barbecues in our new, cute little backyard. My friend Megan says everyone has to have their heart broken by at least one house in their lifetime. I'm sure we'll call this one "the heartbreaker" for the rest of our lives.

We are putting in a back-up bid, just in case the other buyers punk out, but we don't expect anything to come from it. We don't even know how much they're buying it for.

Aha!

I love magazines. One of my favorites is Real Simple. I really like a feature they run called New Uses For Everyday Things. They basically take an ordinary object, describe it's typical use, then give you ideas for a totally new, totally innovative "Aha! use" for the same object.

We had a problem recently in our main bathroom. The problem was this: We had tons of magazines but not enough floor space in the bathroom to comfortably house a magazine rack or basket. We searched for a small, wall-mounted rack, but everything we found was either too big for the 2-foot wall-space above the towel bar or too ugly to hang up. Here is how Brian finally solved the problem:


Object: Wine Rack
Original Purpose: Storing wine
Aha! Use: Compact and stylish magazine rack (The pic makes it look coppery, but it's really more like a brushed aluminum)

Potentially Super-Exciting News

So we went househunting this weekend. Just to get our toes wet and see what's out there right now (it's supposedly a buyer's market). So we looked all over town - at old houses and new houses. One thing was made very clear very fast: all the homesellers in Vegas are on crack. $175 a square foot to live in the ghetto? Are you freaking joking me??

What we did not expect was to fall in love so quickly. We found an adorable house we love downtown. It's a foreclosure that got bought up by a developer and totally remodeled. They're asking $400,000 for a 2200 square foot house. Everyone we've talked to about it says the same thing: offer $300k and see what happens. So that's what we're doing. And apparently that's how it's done here. No wonder all the prices are so ridiculously inflated.

So yeah, we're making an offer on a house. Odds are we won't get it, but it's still weird to think it could potentially happen so quickly if the offer's accepted.

I'm about to part with a dear secret...

My favorite show right now - even moreso than Project Runway - is The Contender. This is super bizarre, right? Cuz the show is about BOXING (which I never knew I liked) and because it airs on ESPN (which I've never watched.) (Literally, never.) (Ever ever.)

So here's the thing about The Contender. I get so stressed out while watching it, i can barely finish an episode. I freak out Tom Cruise-style on my couch during the fight scenes.

Here's me watching an epidode:

"Oh no! No no no no no no! Don't hit him! Aye, don't hit him! Dodge! Dodge! Eek eek eek eek eek... AGH! Aye, no me peges!!! NOOO!! YES!! Hit him! Get him! Yeah, hit him again!! Knock him out! Knock his fuc*in' ass out! Oh! Ow, ow ow, don't hurt him!"

And then I cry. That's right, the damn show makes me cry, with its underdog story lines and its blaring hero music. You are a powerful and irrational master, Mark Burnett!!!

This week's episode was one of the most exciting to date. Ebo Elder, the sweet Christian fighter from Georgia, got knocked out in the fourth round after winning rounds one through three against his good friend. (Whose name escapes me because the episode wasn't edited in a way that would make me care about him. But anyway...) So Ebo's adorable 6-year-old is left weeping The winner is left sad and miserable in the locker room because he can't forgive himself for crushing his friend's dream. And Ebo gets taken away in an ambulance, but remains as sweet and as chipper as ever about the whole thing.

That is some good fuc*in' television, man.

Nothing left to do but count down the days!

We are officially paid in full for our Japan trip. Woo-hoo!

The bad news is we don't leave until October 31st. :-(

The coolest commercial EVER

So I got home today and had this message on my answering machine. HILARIOUS!!

Grandmaster G

This is kind of funny.

Oh man, this is going to be even better than Honey!

I went to see Talladega Nights, The Ballad of Ricky Bobby today, but I didn't get to movie-hop into John Tucker Must Die, like I wanted to. I did, however, get tickets from David for tomorrow's sneak preview of Step Up, that new dance movie starring Justin Timberlake's ex-girlfriend. Where are you when I really need you, Megan??

It must be official, if it's on the internet

According to US Weekly, David Spade has officially changed his myspace dating status to "In a Relationship," which supports the theory that he is dating Heather Locklear. I wonder if that's how she found out he was really serious about her. (See David Spade's Myspace profile here.)

I just think it's funny after reading that and this article from BJ's blog that myspace has become such an effective means for dropping a hint.

Eat your heart out, Shakira!

Saw this on Best Week Ever and thought it was hella cool:



That's their latest video. This is their first one:

FINALLY...

I finally got around to giving my friend Rebecca a present I had gotten her way back in May, when I went to New Haven.

Here's what I got her.

The reason it's funny is because poor Rebecca's house has smelled like cat piss since she bought it. She came to find out that the reason why is because, prior to her owning it, the house was occupied by the neighborhood crazy cat lady and her hundreds of cats. It ended up having to be condemned and now poor Rebecca can't get the smell out of her house. So I saw the acton figure and thought she would like it for voodoo purposes or something.

Two-year Anniversary

It's my two-year work anniversary today. Time flies. Then again, not really.